just like a white-winged dove

Till We Meet Again

2011-04-03T17:14:00.003+08:00

post no 360

this shall be my goodbye post.

i'm temporarily shutting this blog down.

in other words, i will no longer update anymore.

i might not be completely abandoning this,

way too much memories & time spent here.

but i won't be blogging about my personal life anymore.

i realise that i have been using this as an outlet,

to express my feelings.

but instead of helping myself, i've been burying myself deeper

so deep into a pithole, dark and frightening.

blogging does help me ease the pain temporarily

but because of that, i forget to deal with it in reality.

in the end, i hurt those who read these,

because i never approached them directly.

for that i'm sorry, and i shall learn from my mistakes.

i am truly sorry to YOU especially.

you know who you are.

i wish i could turn back time and told you from the beginning

how i felt deep inside

instead, i buried it, and blogged about it...

subconsciously hoping you would read it.

and you did, but more damage was done than good.

i am so sorry.

i can't take it back, but i can fix this.

blogging is never a way to escape.

lesson learned.

if you have an issue with someone,

talk to him/her

tell him/her

express it to him/her

writing it out here will never help.

the healing is temporary.

and a bigger wound would be dealt with later.

am taking a break from everything.

to change things.

to grow.

to make sure i don't make the same mistakes.

to make sure i can be a better person.

a better person to the people i care about.

and to never hurt them again.

this has been my secret hideout.

an escape realm.

thinking words of expression will solve the problem.

problem not solved.

but problem spotted.

a big thanks to everyone that has been following my space,

so faithfully although there's a lot of bullshit sometimes.

as much as i will miss blogging,

i think i need to put a stop to it.

i will try to channel my passion for writing some place else.

something less personal and damaging.

i don't have the heart to delete this space.

so it shall remain here, as a memory.

a part of me that has to come to a halt.

for now.

am taking a break

am taking a step

for a change.

lots of love,

steph

xoxo

Empty Caresses In Darkness

2011-03-13T11:38:00.003+08:00

Just when I thought I'm lost & all alone, people amaze me.
I've been burrying myself in work, hoping to cut off...
Except occasional meet ups, just so that I'm not completely outta it.
I'm glad those little moments, amazed me.
I'm glad to know that no matter how some may seem busy with their lives,
I can always buzz em up whenever...
And I'm super glad I've finally found someone who's in a similar situation as I am.
We're never alone. We just gotta find someone to relate to.
Then, help each other out...

And I'm glad I always have You.
You'll never forsake me.
You're always there.
Through thick and thin,
I can always turn around,
to find you there...
With hands stretched out wide,
so I could fall in your arms.

Through tough times...
Self-induced or not...
You need people to constantly remind you...
You're not alone.

Beating of Four Chambers

2011-03-04T08:47:00.002+08:00

so what's the worst feeling you felt in the world?
i just found mine.
ever felt a heartache so bad you can't even breathe?
like the four chamber walls just constricted,
like it's gonna choke you out of your life.
that pang of pain in your chest...
the more you try to fight back the tears,
the harder it gets for the pain to go away.
and when you do finally release those tears,
you find that you can't breathe from all the sobbing.
your hands clench the side of your mattress,
or jabbing em into your pillow,
barricading the sound from flooding the silent night.
this goes on for the next few mins, that feels like forever.
and when it comes to a sudden stop....
you recollect yourself, wipe your tears dry,
clear your nasal area, and take a long deep breath.
you come out feeling like a trainwreck,
and you ask yourself... "WHAT THE HELL JUST HAPPENED?"

i fear each day that passes by...
because as each day pass by we're getting more distant.
when that huge hurdle comes up again...
it's week one, and it seems like it's heading that way again.
but this time it's different... because i don't doubt how i feel...
at least not as much as before.
have you ever had someone, but somehow feel like you never did?
or that it's not gonna be for long, somehow?
i don't know why i'm feeling that way.
and this new found fear that it's gonna be a struggle again,
kills me... it really really kills me...

i fucking hate LDR.
i might answer with a smile, or a light cynical laughter,
when people ask me, "how is the LDR maaan?"
"yeah it's tough. but we manage. somehow."
when i just wanna scream out loud...
IT FUCKING STINKS.
and i still don't believe in it.
i'm all on board volunteerily for the relationship...
but this whole long distance bullshit... sigh.
that's just like icing made out of poop,
on a scrumptious chocolate cake.

i hope you know how much you mean to me,
till i'm willing to put up with all of this.
because i know for sure...
i don't wanna lose you.
i really don't.

Changes Bring New Possibilities

2011-03-02T20:44:00.003+08:00

Been having exhausting days. It's never a good idea to study last min... Like no one knows that already -.- But I've been LAZY. Kinda tired of studying. Prolly wasn't the smartest idea to take up a professional course that's 100% focused on examination. I miss having projects and activities. Missing ALSCO particularly. Sometimes I unconsciously ask myself if I've got any event tasks undone, or any musical rehearsals to attend. Then I realise, that's all over. It broke my heart when I found out Kingsley is putting musical on hold. Was really hoping to rejoin the group, miss it soooo dearly. But oh well, I guess this is part of moving on, and exploring new things. Am waiting for my first Leader's meeting. Oh, did I mention, I made the cut? Got invited on the team right after the interview, which has NEVER happened to me. And I have been through a good number of interviews, it's a good feeling. Am really waiting to be out there again. It's been a loooooong while since I've organised something, and I can't wait to get down to it. I just wish my peers are as enthusiastic as I am. Whenever I ask if they would like to join this, this and this, they would be like "Er... No, no and NO." Perhaps I'm a tad bit too enthusiastic. But oh well, that's the fun of it (:

Social life has been slowing down. After the boyfriend returned to India, I realised how exhausted I was. Been working so hard for the past 3 weeks to meet up with him as often as possible, and meet up with the few who were leaving to NZ, Aus & Singapore. I actually missed meeting Nick Liang before he left, which I felt sooooo bad! So, it's been tiring. Both physically & mentally. Physically: trying to find time & plan something which suits both parties; Emotionally: to say goodbye and not meeting again for a long while. Plus, going out with people makes me broke. I'm not the thriftiest person on Earth, to say the least. Let's just say if there's a juicy piece of steak on the menu staring right back at me and it's no more than 50 bucks, I'll nab it. I'm a sucker for luxurious food. I rather spend big bucks on food than anything else. That attitude eats up on me by the middle of the month and I'll realise "oh fuck, I'm running beyond low..." So yeah... You need money to have a great social life, thus it disappears with your money xD

But I managed to find a job. Well, actually my mom found me a job. Nothing confirmed yet, but if it actually works out, I can finally save up to travel. I have Singapore, Krabi & Kota Kinabalu on my list. Already mentally planning out to travel to S'pore with Bel love in July. And hoping hoping DESPERATELY hoping to climb Mount Kinabalu. Yes, I know... That's a lil too ambitious. But I can't help it. I might die tomorrow... And one of my regrets will be not having the chance to climb that friggin mountain. So yes, it HAS TO BE DONE! Krabi has been on the list for ages. Planned with Bryan & Davy a couple of times, but never seem to work. Why? LACK OF CASH THAT'S WHY? No, I don't think asking from parents would be a very good idea... So there you go, my ambitious plans for 2011. Fingers crossed!

I better start studying for tomorrow's paper. The toughest of the lot... Seems like no proper sleep AGAIN tonight!

toodles

Escape You

2011-03-01T11:38:00.003+08:00

why do i feel the need to escape you?

perhaps i can't keep up...

or perhaps i need a break...

or maybe, just maybe, you make me feel like i'm not good enough...

purely because i just can't keep up...

just like what she said...

you're too intense.

Seriously, anon?

2011-02-28T02:10:00.004+08:00

i'm supposed to be asleep right now... but something is seriously bothering me. had a random conversation with a friend today. we were talking about random stuff, off the roof just to kill each other's boredom. then it somehow came to the topic of random things we've done. suddenly i was shot at with a statement, "yeah i've heard you've done pretty nasty stuff..." whaaaat?! i didn't take it too seriously at first, till much later into the conversation i found out she was serious. so here's the thing, we're not very close, and i didn't wanna seem like i was soooo eager to know what kinda rumour she has heard (in actually fact i'm DEAD curious). so i tried digging, unsuspisciously. turns out i'm being stabbed in the back just like the old days of immature highschool dramas. the best part is... i don't even know that person! yes, i know you might be thinkin, that person probably mistaken me as someone else. but apparently she got her so called "facts" right...

this kinda thing really pisses me off. to be judged by other people who know nuts about what's going on in my life. the stuff she said was ten time nastier than anyone can define NASTY. i don't wanna bring it up, it's just too aggravating. it really boggles me... where on earth did she get that kinda idea? to totally sum me up as a totally different person... to top it all off, to tell my acquaintances about all these false information? i mean, come on... get your facts right! and OHMYGOD don't you have better things to do than defame me? i'm just a single tiny little speck, like leave me the fuck alone. i don't even fucking know you!

it's funny why she would wanna pick on me, for whatever reason. not that i'm a total notorious prick who has lots to shout and scream about. compared too many other wild individuals/party animals/social whores/crack sniffers and whatnots, i'm practically the most boring person you can ever find! in terms of JUICY SCANDALS that is... so why me really? what have i done to rub your edges so hard, you wanna falsify facts about me? if i've offended you, by all means, do what you want. but i'm pretty sure i've been under the radar when it comes to drama. been avoiding it for the past year, and pretty successful about it. so i'm pretty darn sure i've offended no one.

so ms anonymous here has entered my life with her silly doings. i tried acting like i don't give a fuck, but deep down it bothers me. can't really help it i guess. been on goodlists for a long time now, i don't see why i'm a bad apple in someone's eyes now :p thankfully the people who she tried to turn against me know better. and i'm glad i found out about this, although i'm gonna be dead curious for the next few days trying to find out what her darn problem is. but i shouldn't. i should ignore this. like what ben said, "since she's anon, why bother...?" good point. i just hope it doesn't taint people's impression on me, before they even get to know me. that would definitely piss me off! fingers crossed that it'll just BLOW OVER.

for God's sake, ms anon, find something better to do with your life. you're not in highschool anymore! grow up!

up yours!

Here We Go Again...

2011-02-26T21:25:00.006+08:00

Back from a hiatus! I know... It has been a while. Okay, nearly a month. But I've been busy. Barely had enough time for myself, what more blog about it. The boyfriend came back for three weeks. The previous, extremely distraught, post was because he broke his promise that we'll meet up for an important chat immediately when he comes back (due to unforeseen circumstances; his words). Let's just say I was so confused at that moment, I needed that conversation, face to face. Although we did get a chance to have a not-so-decent & tear-filled conversation through the darn phone, we managed to pull through. And I have to say, the past three weeks were blissful. Okay, perhaps not COMPLETELY, but close enough. I needed that so badly, and thankfully I got it. I think back about it now and wonder why I had those doubts. Perhaps the answer to that question will come pounding on my cerebral down the line since he has gone back to India and we are to resume the very torturous LDR. God, I HATE that term -.-

Back to square one.

Why did I get myself involved in this? Sigh... If you asked, is it worth it? Dead honestly, I don't know... He's great and all, but I haven't thought much of myself ever since I got into a relationship. I think it's really important to keep intact with what YOU want in life, before segregating it with what the OTHER half wants as well. That has been happening. And I kinda forgot how to put myself first. I find it tougher to be selfish than to be selfless nowadays. Is that love then? When you're with someone, and you choose to be completely selfless? Does that mean you're IN LOVE with that person? Gee... If it is, isn't it a tad bit morbid? To sacrifice your wants to get what you need. Bah, what do I know about what I WANT anyways. I've been facing an identity crisis for half my life, I NEVER know what I WANT. One minute I wanna be outrageous, the next minute I wish everything was planned out as clear as a freeway...

Maybe I'm bipolar? Or maybe I'm just crazy? I swear at one point when the boyfriend sorta asked me to stop thinking CRAZY, when we were arguing on the phone, I felt the blood in my cheeks flare up like a volcanic eruption was about to take place! I yelled, "Stop talking like as though I'm crazy. I'M NOT CRAZY!" So I was angry at first, then I thought... Maybe he's right. I am fucking crazy. A simple girl wouldn't think about all these insane stuff that could potentially drown the relationship. A simple girl would be fucking contented with everything she has, and trust me it's a lot a girl can WANT. A simple girl would be happy. Period.

But I guess I'm NOT a simple girl after all. Never been, and never will be. Being simple is a gift. Having a boxed-mind like em' ignorant guys is a gift. IGNORANCE IS A FUCKING GIFT. What one does not need is a voice in his/her head that keeps talking and talking and talking and TALKING! You can never make that voice shut up, the only way is to drown that voice with screams of your own. That's when arguments will keep flowing through. And you need to hope with all your might that the other person will stand by your side strongly...

That's what he did. I gotta give him credit for not giving up. I would break up with me. Maaaaan, if I was a dude, I wouldn't date me. Too much mental work. I exhaust myself. It bewilders me how a simple guy like him can manage a psycho bitch like me. The only complains I ever had from him, regarding all of this, is "You're too fucking complicated..." Of course he did once asked me to "stop torturing me emotionally like this..." We BOTH exhausted each other out. Oh boy, I wish I could say that happened physically :p but no, mentally & emotionally exhausting...!

Sometimes I wonder if I would be better alone, at this point in my life. Save him the trouble. Save myself from all the torturous thoughts. Save us from such a wreck. But I guess both of us rather go through all that than being alone. Am not sure if that's a good thing... Which is why reading "Eat, Pray, Love" scares me. It makes me ponder more about our relationship. I guess that's why I kinda stopped halfway :/ Problem is, I'm David and he's Liz. He needs me to be there 100% emotionally. But the more he needs it, the more I feel like scurrying away. I'm not sure what's wrong with me. A friend once asked, "Is it the fact that you're NOT THAT INTO HIM?" I can gladly answer, NO. I am into him. Although I still think we're not COMPLETELY compatible. But yes, I am into him. But the relationship as a whole scares me... There's only so much of myself that I can give. Because I fear that I'm losing myself as I dive deeper and deeper into the relationship...

Anyhooooooo... I had NO thoughts whatsoever, on these throughout the three weeks we spent together. We promised to take things slowly, with less pressure & just enjoy each other's company. Or at least that's what he promised me. To give me the liberty to find my pace in this relationship. I am not ready for the commitment. That does not mean I wish to pounce around, dating some random guys. Neither does it mean I want a couple of flings before settling down with a serious relationship. It simply means I am not ready to give my full self & commit EVERYTHING to ONE person. I'm just not ready. It's too scary for me. I need to FIND myself first. Find out who I truly am. What I really want in life. And what kinda person I wish to be. To DEFINE myself. I'm in progress. So far, I like what I've seen. I might not enjoy it (the whole emotional wreck part), but I'm glad of who I am. God created me this way, so I don't see any other way to live it.

Which is why I think... He's a keeper. He's been there, through thick and thin. He's been patient. Albeit the lack of security I've given him, he's still here. Without a doubt I know, he's always there. I mean, come on, if a guy can stick around, through your crazy moments, he's a keeper. I just hope things won't fall back to those wrecked up days when I feel like we're not meant to be. Because those 3 weeks felt so right, I wish it would stay that way. That's why LDR is so darn hard! It shadows things. It shadows feelings. And the worst part, it shadows memories. His return was so important to ignite those memories we had before he left. The great times we spent together. I almost forgot how much fun we used to have. All the silly, random & spontaneous things we would do. We took a day trip up to Genting just for fun the other day. It reminded me why I decided to plunge into this relationship in the first place. We enjoy each other's company...

Ah I hope this will last for the next 5 months... God, I'm fucking terrified! *fingers crossed* We're taking a dive from a 50 feet cliff. Let the journey be as exhilarating as EVER! (:

the breaking point

2011-02-05T01:15:00.002+08:00

i don't want to shed a tear for you.
not again.
not tonight.
having hope is the darndest thing to do,
because by the end of the day...
it fucking rips you apart.
i'm emotionally drained and exhausted.
expectations, hopes, desires and whatnots, what are they for?
to remind you that it's YOU AGAINST THE WORLD.
i'm tired of crying
about you
because of you
thinkin of you
in front of you
on the phone with you
or even for you!

next tear i'm gonna shed, is gonna be for myself.
if it takes ripping my eyes out
or clogging my tear ducts,
my next tear will not be for you.

these shoulders can carry no more
or to be exact, these chest walls can barricade no more...
i'm an inch closer to pulling the trigger,
and tomorrow WAS so important to prevent me from doing so...
but that ain't gonna happen, be it your fault or mine.
i'm an inch closer.
an inch away.
that's how flimsy that thread is now.

i'm exhausted.
so exhasuted.

Who's That Looking Right Back At You?

2011-01-29T08:23:00.007+08:00

Few days back I was totally enraged when I realised I was being lied to. I can usually tell when someone's lying to me. I don't know how, but I would somehow know, or at least sense that things just don't match; something's definitely fishy! One thing I hate most is having someone so close to your heart (or important at the very least) lie to you, even when it's the simplest most insignificant thing. It makes me feel like I don't deserve to know the truth? Or I'm too insignificant to know what really is going on. Not that this particular one hurts, but I am upset that I have to be lied to.

Until two nights ago...

I've spun into the blackhole of Lies & Deceit. Let's just say that I'd rather be the victim than the culprit. Being the culprit is so much worse. Flooded with guilt and regrets. Done something I never thought I would do and I totally didn't see it coming. It's such a funny feeling, not thinking about the consequences while being so sucked in the moment of committing the offense. I felt like a whole different person. Exhilarating to say the least! But the minute right after, guilt came washing through like a storm. What the fuck was I thinking?! If I was in a different phase in my life, when I have less to care for, it would have been an "achievement". Although many friends think it is, but I can't stop thinking how deceitful it was. The last thing I wanna do is hurt someone so close to my heart. A short moment of satisfaction is NEVER worth it when someone is gonna get hurt in return.

As I lay in my bed, wide awake for the past few nights, I keep asking myself... Why the fuck did I do it? I wasn't thinking. Seriously, now I understand what it means when people defend themselves after doing something really wrong, that they weren't thinking. Because that's seriously what's running in your head, NOTHING. Except being sucked in the moment... And all you can ever think of is how good it's making you feel. I felt different. Like I wasn't myself. Like an alter ego just took over me. And wow, I never thought I would do something like that. Never in a million years, because it NEVER occurred to me to wanna do something like that. The excitement is addictive really... Like venturing into something totally new & foreign. With many more exciting, but WRONG, reasons...

No, it's not okay. It's just wrong. You know it ain't right when one minute you're feeling totally invincible, and you're hitting rock bottom the very next. Thousands of questions fill your head, making it feel like it's gonna explode into a million pieces. "Oh my god what was I thinking? Why did I do it? What would people think? What's gonna happen when the cat is outta the bag? Is it fixable?How did it happen in the first place? Why did I let it happen? How can I do such a thing?" But the biggest question of all...

Who am I?

I didn't recognise myself. No, correction... I DON'T recognise myself. Who is this person I've become? Well, it's not necessarily bad, but who is this? Is this really me? Someone hidden deep inside, somehow burst out due to years of being trapped up inside? Is it an alter ego? Or something inside me is trying to tell me that I'm not happy?

Heh. Alter ego. Never knew I would have one. And it picked the most horrible time to appear. I can't make room for this person. I just can't. This wild and impulsive person, doesn't belong here right now, at this point in my life. I really can't. As much as I want to, because it feels so darn good. I know I can't. Not now. I can't do this. There's too much at stake at the moment... There are certain things I'm willing to give up, but the one thing that would fall apart if I let this alter ego take over, I'm not willing to lose that. May this be a one off thing. At least for now... I gotta prevent myself from doing anything like this until I'm free from consequences. It's not my time. Not right now.

I woke up yesterday morning feeling like CRAP. I couldn't find room to forgive myself. However, hanging out with Nickolai last night made me feel so much better. He made it sound alright. In fact, he made me feel like doing other things that I wouldn't. "It's good to be impulsive sometimes..." he says. We almost got a piercing together! But there wasn't any piercing parlour nearby -.- BUZZ KILL! I like how I felt when we hung out... OUTRAGEOUS. Bursting out of routine... Feeling FUN and EXCITING! I'm so sucked into routine, I need something MORE! Nick thinks I have unsettled issues xD He may be right... I guess it takes making mistakes for me to realise that I keep too many issues unsettled. Darn it, the same issues keep popping up when I least expect them :/

I guess I don't feel as bad as I did two nights ago. But that doesn't make it alright either! But I gotta live with it. You make a mistake, you live with it. I gotta fix this when I get the chance; that haunting issue. Hoping for the right place and the right time...

I'm so sorry if this sounds sooooo vague. I wish I could reveal more, but I can't. This is the most I can go. But I think it implies too much already. Ah what a week! Week of self discovery, guilt, remorse, regrets, realisation, rebellion... Too much in a week to handle. Oh wait, 3 days to be exact. Geeebus! For what's worth: Stranger, wherever you may be, thanks for the experience. I better stop here. May this be a past record. Not to be mentioned ever again if possible.

All of these lines across my face
Tell you the story of who I am
So many stories of where I've been
And how I got to where I am
But these stories don't mean anything
When you've got no one to tell them to

*sweeps off*

Note Out :D

2011-01-20T18:25:00.002+08:00

http://enigmatic-kelson.blogspot.com/

Whoever owns this blog, it would be nice to allow me access since you've obviously provided the link to my blog somewhere on your blog (according to Nuffnang), and it has been hit several times for the past week. Curiosity kills the cat, and I am dead curious to know what intentions you have linking me. For starters, I don't even know you... So I would really appreciate it. Besides, I do have the right to know after all.

Thank you...

the very curious stephay :D

Places To Visit No. 003

2011-01-16T18:40:00.016+08:00

Now that I've started, I can't stop. Ideas keep filling my head, and I can go on forever.

Next up...

No. 003 (in no particular order)

Greece
The place of art & architecture, history, mythology, wars, The Olympics and rich culture!

Athens, the capital and the largest city of Greece.
It's one of the oldest city; spans around 3,400 years (wiki)

The Acropolis of Athens (wiki)

The beautiful Mykonos, a greek island & top tourist destination; part of the Cyclades

Delphi is both an archeological site and a modern town in Greece (wiki)

Island of Delos, isolated in the centre of the Cyclades, is one of the most important mythological, historical and archeological sites in Greece (wiki)

Saronic Islands, located just off the Greek mainland

Thessaloniki, the second largest city in Greece and the capital of the region of Macedonia (wiki)

Lots of wiki links eh? You really gotta read them links to know more. There are so many historical facts, it'll take you on an intriguing ride!

For more information (there are tonnes, which is an understatement actually) visit visitgreece and lonelyplanet.

Those are only some of the whole list of interesting places to see in Greece.
Now, when people mention Greece, I think about the historic places, the beautiful islands, but most of all... THE FOOD!!

The first thing I stumbled upon when I Googled Greek food was...

Feta cheese.
I'm a huge fan of cheese cheese cheese! So this is just marvelous!

Greek Salad. They have feta cheese, cherry tomatoes, olives and red onions, drizzled with olive oil... Oh so heavenly!

Here's a recipe :D

Dolma is a family of stuffed vegetables dish, like zucchini, eggplant, tomato, peppers and sometimes meat as well.

I'm not sure if it's traditional Greek food, wiki says it's Mediterranean, but I know it's a usual dish in Greece :D

Taramosalata; prepared from fish roe, freshly squeezed lemon juice, olive oil and either soaked bread or potatoes.

Tiropita or Tyropita, which are cheese pastries made from phyllo dough filled with feta cheese.

Gyros; meat, tomato, onion and tzatziki sauce, served with pita bread. It's a famous fast food in Greece.

Pastitsio; it's a baked pasta dish with ground meat (beef, veal or lamb), tomatoes, Bechamel sauce with grated cheese.

Galaktoboureko; a dessert of custard in phyllo, served with syrup :p sweeeet!

And I've saved the best for last. The one that I'm dying to try! I've heard of it a thousands of times. Seen pictures and even cook shows! Recently saw it on Junior Masterchef Australia (StarWorld).

Baklava; a rich, sweet pastry made of layers of phyllo dough, filled with chopped nuts and sweetened syrup or honey.
I'm so gonna try this recipe one fine day :D

That's all I can write about. There's so much more, but this post would be so darn long. And my arm is starting to ache. I'm sure a Greek would scoff at this post, because I doubt this really gives Greece justice. I found a whole list of Greek food and places to visit in Greece, it's amazing! These are the ones that caught my eye, or made my mouth water in hunger :p

Note: Photos are obtained from Google Image search. None of which belongs to me. I wish I could link each one, but that would take me forever. I repeat, I do not own any of this copyrighted photos. If you would like me to remove any of the photos that belong to you, let me know. Thank you.

Places To Visit No. 002

2011-01-16T01:20:00.020+08:00

As I'm waiting for the boyfriend to come on Skype, I shall post another :)

No. 002 (in no particular order)

New York City!

The BIG Apple & the city that NEVER sleeps :D

BROADWAY!!! :D

American Museum of Natural History

Hustle & bustle of Time Square! JUMBOTRON! (I love that word :p)

Chrysler Building

Grand Central Station

MoMA; The Museum of Modern Art

Madame Tussauds (Wax Museum)

The Metropolitan Museum of Art

New York Public Library

Rockefeller Center

Central Park (on a lovely summer day)

The Yankees Stadium

Madison Square Garden

Central Park Zoo (main entrance where the famous clock is)

Last but DEFINITELY not the least, Empire State Building!

Looking at all these pictures make me wanna teleport over pronto!
I love love love the idea of New York City.
Where the adventure, the beauty and the excitement is!
I must visit NYC one fine day, it's a life's promise :)

For more info on New York City, visit NYCGO.COM

Note: Photos are obtained from Google Image search. None of which belongs to me. I wish I could link each one, but that would take me forever. I repeat, I do not own any of this copyrighted photos. If you would like me to remove any of the photos that belong to you, let me know. Thank you.

Places To Visit No. 001

2011-01-15T12:42:00.008+08:00

So, remember I said I'll make blog posts on places I'm dying to visit? I'll start now :)

No. 001 (in no particular order)

Tahiti is the largest island in the Winward group of French Polynesia, located in the archipelago of Society Islands in the southern Pacific Ocean. (Wikipedia)

A beautiful place to have your wedding ceremony and a romantic honeymoon after. The view is superbly gorgeous! The best you can get; SUN SAND BEACH! The famous Bora Bora is right here :)

Moorea

Marquesas

Manihi

Mangareva

Huahine

Fakarava

Bora Bora

Austral

Tempted to pack your shades & sunblock and fly over there in a jiffy eh? Oh, I would kill to go there...!
Bear in mind, it's INSANELY expensive! I checked. To spend 6 days there, would cost you a minimum of USD2,500! That's at least RM10,000! Not inclusive of flight expenses!
What a fantasy island :) Can't help a girl from dreaming eh?

All photos and information from Tahiti Tourism

To Break 'em All For You

2011-01-15T11:21:00.003+08:00

So I guess it's a routine for me to blog weekly now. No, it's not planned. I realise I don't really have the time to stay online for more than 10 minutes during weekdays. Either that, or I'm too exhausted to bother. It's been a loooong week. Always feeling extra pumped on a Friday, mentally that is. Physically? I'll be dragging myself through the day. Usually when Friday comes, I'll be hopping out to have a drink with a friend or just hang out. I would make sure Friday night is spent out. But now, I just wanna stay home every Friday night. Relax myself on my cosy couch, watch TV and warm myself up with a good cup of coffee, provided the weather is fantastic :D So, I'm feeling kinda old! This is way to soon to tone down isn't it? I mean, I'm only about to hit 20. Women in their 20s are in their PRIME ZONE! I should be up and running and MORE ENTHUSIASTIC than ever! But no, I wanna stay HOME on a Friday night. That ain't right :s I realise I find pleasure in other things right now. Not that I don't enjoy heading out at night, but it's not as fulfilling as before. Perhaps I need more xD That would worry my parents, I can imagine!

Been craving to hop around KL, as in all around NOT the town itself, to try out different restaurants. The driving worries me, because I have ZERO tolerance for Malaysian drivers, and I often get pushed over. Being on the road pisses me off. I would wanna avoid having to drive, not because I'm lazy, but just because it SERIOUSLY pisses me off. Which is why I'm waiting for the boyfriend to come back! I made him promise to get his GPS fixed so we can hop around town without worries. I just hope I'm not putting too much hope in this. Heh. Hoping that I'm not HOPING too much, dizzy dizzy! xD He has the tendency to make promises he can't keep, no matter how much he tries. Not that he doesn't want to, but things just somehow get in his way, A LOT. So, it's hard NOT to feel disappointed and NOT to blame him for most of it. I have my fingers double crossed! We have so much planned for next month, and I just hope his parents would not push a load of responsibility on him, and just allow him to have a GOOD TIME OFF!

Things between us have been up & down. Our relationship boggles me. I have no idea how I can be so confused, yet so sure at the same time. One minute I'm secured, the next minute I'm drowning in insecurities. One minute I'm bloody sure of this, then I'll be questioning myself a million times in the next. I wish I didn't have to do this to him. Sometimes I feel, for his sake, this shouldn't go on any longer. But I know if we let go, we'll both fall apart. When you spend so much personal space with someone, it sticks. There are no simple steps to take it all back. It's like, giving a part of yourself to someone, and to take it back it requires ripping off a part of the other. I just fear sooo badly that giving that part of myself would change me. Change is necessary sometimes; for the better, he says. But I'm scared. In my past relationship I let myself go so much I could hardly recognise myself. Allowing that so called "other half" to tell me that I'm a coward and a fool for failing in the fight for our relationship. I concluded that we were no match for each other. And the blame game just proved it further. There is so much I wanna tell him, but I hate digging into that past. Because that past made me feel like a failure, although I do try to convince myself that deep down, it wasn't anyone's fault; we were just too different.

So that's my fear. Are we too different as well? Will this lead to the same past I've gone through? I know he wouldn't batter me up like the other did. But it still boils down to the same issue... Too different: a good thing or a bad thing? Is it the case of "opposite attracts" or "the clash of differences"? Every time we're happy or sad, I would question myself. Like last night, he made me feel so special & so loved, I questioned myself. And two weeks ago, he made me feel like he isn't giving me enough, I questioned myself. On and on again I question myself! It's exhausting, really... Sometimes I just wanna slap myself outta it, "Oh my god, you're such a friggin wreck!" I hate feeling all vulnerable. Relationships make me feel vulnerable, be it friendship or love. And when I feel vulnerable, hah, the questions come flooding in my cerebral!

That's why I need you home right now. Counting down the days till I'll see your face. I need to hold you right in front of me, and dig deep to find out what has been bothering me all these months. It's so difficult to do that when we're apart. So so so difficult! I just hope we don't get too carried away by the excitement of seeing each other again and lose sight of what's truly important. I'm soooo excited to have you come home, but at the same time, so so afraid! I tried to search your face as I was trying to fall asleep, but I couldn't find it. That image just wasn't there. Your presence was, but I was desperately seeking that familiar face. What if we meet, and we just don't recognise each other? Time apart changes a lot of things. I don't mean just physically, but also emotionally... And what if that causes our differences to stick out like a sore thumb?!

oh my god, you're such an emotional wreck...

I blame the darn caffeine. Kept me up all night and my silly thoughts kept me company. I really need to STOP thinking about it! Yeah, but this is just another case of easier said than done. We can't help what we feel or think right? I mean, no matter how hard we push certain thoughts outta our head, when it's just you and the darkness when the sun goes down, those thoughts will come running through like a bullet train! I guess the hardest part is keeping it together, preventing ourselves to fall apart due to the overload of thoughts and emotions!

This train of thoughts is about to be derailed...

Of Foreign Ventures

2011-01-09T12:49:00.005+08:00

So it's been a while... The first week of 2011 is coming to an end within a split second. I've been rather busy lately. With uni, work and whatnots. Though I do try to squeeze meet-ups in between, but I realised an hour to it, I'm already feeling too lazy to budge. Nevertheless, I make it a point to show up because I know how it feels like to be stood up or canceled last minute. It ain't a fancy feeling...!

I'm EXTREMELY glad to say that I'm getting along pretty well with my classmates. I try communicating more in Mandarin/Cantonese. Although when I do, they don't understand immediately. I think it's my horrendous pronunciation, phonetics & tone. So, somehow I would have to revert back to simple English for them to understand what I was trying to say. It's like a Cantonese saying, "Kai tong ngap!" (I hope the spelling's right lol) means, like a chicken trying to communicate with a duck. Which can be VERY frustrating at times, but it definitely beats sitting at a far end corner, feeling lost in translation. I started asking questions that we BANANAS should ask, "What is (word) called in Chinese?" or "How do you say (English sentence) in Chinese?" And surprisingly, they are very patient with me, and are super willing to tell me. Although I do get laughed at for certain silly questions... But I guess that's inevitable because some ARE really silly. I shouldn't even be calling myself a Chinese, like really really really!

Some efforts paid off. Like the other day I said something totally funny to them in Cantonese, and they laughed their hearts out before two (hilarious) seconds of jaw-dropped expression. Funny as in a relevant humour, not a silly mistaken remark. Jaw-dropped cause they seriously thought I am totally illiterate in Chinese! So I ended that day with a self-pat on my back :D It was a huge encouragement really! Shows that being put in a class full of Chinese educated students isn't exactly a "sentence" but an opportunity to learn and meet different people of different views and opinions. I'm really starting to appreciate my situation. I guess it's not a BAD thing after all. And I feel extremely guilty for all the rantings I've done last year :s

They're really really nice people. I realised that Chinese educated students are more down-to-earth compared to those who attend Malay medium schools, and are Westernized by movies, television, internet and whatnots. I'm guilty as charged. And in other words, we're BITCHIER than them. Dare you deny that? We're more superficial and skeptical, in so many ways it's damaging to oneself and others. AND we're more corrupted too. So, being in their group (or almost, I HOPE) makes me feel somewhat carefree. I don't have to worry about backstabbing, scandals, two-face nature, judgement etc... Oh I must mention, it's partly because most of them are from different states like Perak, Johor and Sabah. These states consist mainly of small towns. So they're not corrupted by city issues. In my opinion, that feels like a clean slate no? I sometimes wish I came from a small town. Where ignorance is bliss! Where we don't have to be skeptical about other people, because they're genuinely good at heart. Whereas in the city, it's filled with lies, greed, deceit, sex, corruption and MONEY MONEY MONEY.

This is purely my opinion. I may have perceived it wrongly, or stereotyped Chinese educated people unintentionally... But I'm still trying to step out of my comfort zone, and reprogram what I think of these people. As I realise now, I have misunderstood most of them, and if I could turn back time, I would have tried harder not to fall into cliques (back in highschool) and consequently outcast those who we labeled as "Chinese-Ed" from our social circle. I guess the punishment I got was being placed in a class full of them. So now I gotta "do my time" by learning Chinese and making up to them. No complains. I'm guilty as charged, so I shall accept my punishment.

So far, 2011 has been filled with challenges! Not only am I gonna venture further into a course that's totally foreign to me, I have to adapt to a totally foreign environment and get to know new people, ALL AT ONCE. At times I feel like giving up and not bother, times like these I probably had lack of sleep the night before. And at times I feel pumped up and encouraged by new challenges. All in all, I'M TOTALLY KNACKERED BY IT! It's exhausting! PERIOD! ACCA is getting harder by the day. Thankfully some of my classmates offered to help me out, since I'm like a lost sheep there. Oh, God bless their souls! My competitive self has pushed me to self-study and figure it out on my own. But I guess it's time I learn to put my guard (*echoes* EGO EGO EGO) down and start asking for help :D

It has only been a week, and so much has happened. New things to absorb and adapt. It's like, my mind is filled with things most of the time. I even dream of uncompleted stuff in the middle of my sleep. I met new people. Pushed myself to ask about Sunway's Student Council, even when it's not publicly announced yet. Boy, they must think that I'm such an enthusiast, in an annoying way that is! Had lunch with my Tanzanian friend yesterday. Oh, I realised. I mistakenly addressed TANZANIA as TASMANIA in my previous post xD Learned A LOT about the culture in Tanzania. AMAZING I must say. As I listen to his stories, I feel like I've been living in a shell. Learned more about his religion, he's a Muslim. Finally knew why most women in the Middle-East wear a Burqa, the clothing they wear to cover their entire body except their eyes. And why men were not allowed to even glance at women over there... Quoting him, "Because it all starts with the eyes..." *says cheekily* My conclusion: Men are sexual beasts, THAT'S WHY! LOL. Learned a whole lot about the food they have there, that's the best part YUM! He's gonna bring something for us to try tomorrow. I'm excited! And I just realised something. My last year's wish, that I've long forgotten, has been granted. I have an African friend! :D Although he's half African half Arabic. Ah what the heck, WISH GRANTED! TEEHEE :D

I simply LOVE LOVE LOVE learning about new culture! Listening to his stories is fueling my desire to travel. Like, seriously! I would kill for the opportunity to travel! I'm dying to travel. DESPERATELY hoping for a bird to lift me away to a foreign land... So, the sole reason why I just can't die now is that I haven't seen enough. There are hundreds of places I wanna visit, before I can die peacefully! And I've recently added Tanzania, Saudi Arabia, Oman, Dubai and Abu Dhabi to my list :D I shall make a post on places to travel one day. If I have the time... That's another task on my to-do list. Shit, Steph, you need to stop making ridiculously long lists that you can never complete!!!

Btw, I found out that quite a number of you readers read my previous post, from beginning till the end. Honestly, I never expected anyone to read the entire thing, because it's sooooo long. But I really appreciate it. Although I do feel a little embarrassed that you now know a lot of personal things about me, but well I should have expected that since this is a public portal after all. I don't really know what else to say, but Thank You for reading it. Somehow it matters to me that people actually bothered to read. This feeling really urges me to blog more :) It's a really good feeling to say the least.

over & out :)

Like An Unending Scroll

2011-01-02T22:18:00.008+08:00

Happy New Year peeps!

I know, I'm a day late. Was busy catching up with sleep yesterday. I was awake for 26 hours the day before. Crazy stunt I gotta say. Totally messed up my internal clock. Been having naps during the day, and waking up really late in the morning :/ So, my first new year's resolution for 2011 is to get enough sleep by tomorrow. First class on Tuesday, can't afford to doze off, it's LAW! Eeeps! Jeepers! I'm excited though. Can't wait to do law. It'll be totally new for me. Though I have friends warning me otherwise, I think I'll enjoy it somehow :D

Let's do a post-mortem on 2010 :D

Boy, 2010 was a really rough year. Half of it at least.

The year started off pretty alright. The first 6 months were spent getting to know fellow A-Level coursemates better by camping out in the library. I miss those days. Used to have lunch with people like Mun Wai, Nutty, Charmaine, Tarsha and Tze Huey. Those were the usual bunch. After a tough morning burrying ourselves in books, we would just go hunting for each other, exchanging nods as a sign of "Let's go fill our tummys!" And off we went to places like Rock Cafe (aka Medan) or even as far as Pyramid for Carl's Jr, Wendy's etc. Of course, the boyfriend was always there. We spent everyday together. I'm surprised that we didn't get sick of each other. Wait, at one point we did. That's when all the arguments happened, but we went way past that, thankfully. Anyways, I wouldn't know Mun Wai that well if it wasn't for those lunch sessions :D So, *cheers* to that Munboy! Another major highlight was patching things up with Jean. One of the best things that happened in 2010. I'm so glad we made it through :) much love, Jean babe :)

The boyfriend and I got a lot closer thanks to those countless library sessions as well. Imagine, spending time from 8am to 9.30pm, everyday for the last 2 months before A2 exams. Till now I'm surprised we didn't lash out on each other during our arguments. I don't even see my parents that many hours a day xD But instead, it drew us closer. In many ways. We truly became good friends, aside from strengthening our BGR. We saw each other's ugly side. Especially during those dark times of stress & frustrations. We struggled through together. I cried on his shoulder when I was on the verge of giving up. And he growled in front of me (thankfully not AT me) when he was on the verge of ripping of notes & past year question papers. It was melodramatic to say the least. But I don't think we will know each other as well, if it wasn't for all that :)

Things took a turn after A2 exams ended. Maybe it's karma for enjoying too much? I don't know really, but it took a really NASTY turn. It's like, good things came to an end after graduation. Seems like I was doomed to darkness after A Levels officially ended. First hurdle was applying to study a degree in the United Kingdom. I placed so much of hope that when it didn't turn out, I was devastated. Okay, that's actually an understatement. I was BEYOND devastated. The fact that I got an offer to study where I wanted, but couldn't accept it due to financial, was just aggravating! Though my first choice was London School of Economics, but I wasn't counting on it because they wanted an A for Further Maths, and I came out with a D. Lol. PHAIL much? xD I was starting to take that subject for granted. Lost the courage & strength to do it after Dec of 2009. So I pretty much slacked when it came to F Maths & started convincing myself that I'm just taking it for leisure. But when exams came, I realised how badly I wanted to do well in it, but it was in fact WAY TOO LATE. I guess my only regret from A Levels, was not trying hard enough for that subject. It could have been alright if I actually did the countless work my lecturers gave me. But what's done is done. At least I excelled in other subjects, enough to overshadow the big fat D! Further maths aside, Heriot Watt decided to take me in. But unfortunately, it's still in the UK, exchange rate x 5 = IMPOSSIBLE.

I would take this opportunity to say this, I don't blame anyone NOW (well, I previously took it out on everyone! will get to that). My parents took it the wrong way when I burst into tears when reality sank in, and I knew I would be stuck here in Malaysia. Although my parents couldn't afford my education, I would never in a million years blame them for that. It broke my heart when they thought that was the case. My dad actually came to me, looking all defeated, and said he'll dig his pension fund if he needs to. That was when I stopped crying about it. I knew the UK just wasn't for me at this point. And I gotta stop being so devastated (physically at least) so my parents would stop beating themselves about it. What I'm trying to say is that I am thankful that I'm still getting the education that I NEEDED, although it's not exactly what I WANTED, but life's like that. We don't always get what we want, but what we need is what matters the most. And my parents provided me with their best, and I'm eternally grateful for that. So, I'm not giving up just yet. And note to those who are as devastated, keep your heads up high. Never take it out on your parents, or anyone else in that case, because it's all on YOU.

Anyways, back to the part where I said I took it out on almost EVERYONE. First I took it out on myself. I can't remember why, but yeah I did. To the point where I hated being myself. Like, why can't I be someone else who's fortunate enough to have that opportunity. Then I took it out on Fate. Poor, Fate. How much I cursed Fate beyond any measures. Then I took it out on the Malaysian Government. I applied for countless scholarships, and none prevailed. Asked for a loan, but that didn't turn out either. Lastly (the breaking point), I took it out on my fortunate friends who would be flying to UK. For two main reasons, being luckier than I am, and for leaving me. Let me tell you something, ENVY is the most horrible feeling in the world. It takes a toll on you. And it shadows everything else that matters. I was showered with dread & unhappiness. No wonder it's one of the Seven Deadly Sins. You know it's SO SO SO WRONG when seeing other people's happiness makes you unhappy. It was till two weeks ago, did I realise, it has gotta stop! I'm willing to admit this now, because I'm glad to say I'm so over it. But it was dreadful... And SHAMEFUL, really. I'm suppose to be happy for my friends, but I just couldn't find the place in my heart for that because I was clouded with envy & jealousy! I told no one about this, besides the boyfriend of course. But some close friends realised I think. Only Munboy confronted me about it. I guess that was a good punch in the face, though it wasn't hard enough for me to snap outta it. Till Dec somehow. I don't know who, what, how or why, I finally snapped outta it. That was a dark time nevertheless. Envy stole my happiness and gave me many sleepless nights that lasted for months. Envy brought along friends like Jealousy, Hatred & the worst one of all, Loneliness.

I like how Elizabeth Gilbert described Loneliness as a person. Indeed it feels like a person! Because I could sense its presence. Like it was watching me as I tried to fall asleep. Or when I logged onto Facebook, it felt like Loneliness (gonna refer to it as L from this point forward) was sitting right next to me sniggering, "Hah. These people don't care about you. Why do you bother? They're having the time of their lives abroad. You're erased off the picture!" That's when I slowly disappeared from FB. Only recently I stopped looking at wall messages & news feed COMPLETELY. Because L went over the edge & almost got my life wasted. Oh yes, L caused a lot of things. Lots of unthinkable things. But I shall not elaborate on that. Anyways, L became more distinctive when everyone else left to study abroad. The boyfriend was one of the firsts to leave. L's status was promoted from an acquaintance to a good friend, with constant night visits. Then close buddies flew off as well. L grew to become a family friend with lots of lingering around day & night. L hung around so much that I got so used to it, it didn't matter. I allowed L to rule my life for the next 6 months. Our "relationship" grew stronger than mine with the boyfriend. Because L never left & was there 24-7!

So as September came to an end, my ACCA course commenced. That's when it got worse. I barely made any friends. There was one girl, that I managed to get close to. Then she had to fly back to Sabah to get married. I was alone. Everyone else spoke Chinese. The one thing I feared most when trying to meet people: being lost in translation. Okay, maybe that was just a tiny hurdle, but I felt like we're from different worlds. The fact that we are Malaysians, yet we have different mind set, made it seem more foreign than when introduced to a complete foreigner. They talk about K-pop a lot, an acquired taste I might say. Because I tried listening to K-pop, but failed badly. Not my cup of tea, at all! So I practically zone out when they converse about that. And they laugh about stuff I do not understand, partly due to Chinese idioms & puns. The worst part of all, our class is divided into BOYS & GIRLS. There's like a Jordan River between us. The guys would crowd at one side, and the girls at the other. For a person who could hang out better with guys than girls, I was mortified! It was a total change! And I found it so hard to adapt. Not that the language barrier wasn't a big enough problem already. They are good people, I believe. Nice & sincere people. But it is due to my shortcomings that I couldn't fit in. I wish I knew Chinese. Or understood Chinese educated people better. So right now, my only friend (when I say friend, I mean a person whom I've spoken about the most BASIC of personal things to before) is a GUY from TASMANIA. So why caps GUY & TASMANIA you ask? Guy: after all these years of unavoidable conflicts with fellow girlfriends, I carried the fear of getting close to a girl with me, so yeah. Tasmania: this proves my point above, that foreigners became more relatable to me than fellow Chinese peeps.

While all these was happening, L was enjoying it with popcorn & candy in hand. Oh, L had a great laugh. He was eating up my happiness & optimism, as I grew more dreadful than ever. After every class, I would flee ASAP like as though the apocalypse was gonna sweep right through us at that very instant. I was scared. Like a lost sheep in a barn. So scared, I dreaded every class. And L would beg me for more personal sessions every time that happened. Yet, I'm proud to say, I didn't miss a single class. I knew I had to take a break from L. And if it takes sitting feeling solitary in class, at least I got full satisfaction from learning something new. Of course, after which L would greet me in full enthusiasm & I succumbed to it... During the next 3 months, L became my partner in life, or it seemed to be. L would greet me as I wake up & tug me into bed as the clock ticks till wee hours in the morning. L would flood my thoughts as I try to enjoy my daily breakfast, lunch & dinner. Even my mom realised I grew distant during dinner time. She always say sarcastically, "Your body's here to get its much needed fuel, but your mind has drifted some place else..." She was right. I was actually on my usual dates with L, when it would replay my entire day, BLEAKLY. My rice portion was cut in half, because I could digest no more than that. I would try to eat as much as I can during dinner, because of fear of having to get up for supper. Knowing that would keep me awake long enough for L to take advantage of it. So to say that my appetite went down the drain, wouldn't be accurate. It was inconsistent, that's the most I can explain.

So I lost weight. Also due to the fact that I transition from a social smoker to a pre-chain one. I know this would sound completely stupid, but smoking helps me calm my nerves. It takes my mind off things. But there's another main reason to it all... Now I hope this wouldn't throw you off your seat... Smoking is a way to bring me closer to death each day. As I take each puff, I was in deep hopes that it would end my life. Because I couldn't bear living a life like this for at least 6 more decades. So at least smoking would cut that in half. Which felt like a good start actually. It's funny really. As in, odd funny, not haha funny of course. One thing I gotta thank L for, it made me lose my fear of death. Suddenly death didn't seem like such a bad thing after all. Actually, death became a gift. Living was the difficult task. And death was the happy ending. I finally understood why people took their own lives. Because death was suddenly a good thing. Living was like a life sentence. Smoking wasn't the only thing I've thought about in fact. There are many many other countless thoughts. But I'm very reluctant to dig through that. Those were the demons of my dark times. And my constant fear till this very day. My own thoughts became my ultimate nightmare.

So yeah. That lingered on for three months. Quietly slithering through my head as I walked about the days feeling trapped in a limbo. Bare & numb. Unable to enjoy the simple beauties of life. Unhappy & self-loathing. I shudder at the very thought of it right now. The only thing that stayed strong through it all was my relationship with TY. That was somehow unshakable. I don't know why, really. The fact that he held on strong, as I was falling apart. Or the fact that I didn't show any of this to him, at least not entirely. But he was there as I bawled my eyes out. He was there as I stared blankly at the ceiling, wishing it would come crashing down on me. He was there as I felt hollow & empty. He was constantly (though not ALWAYS) there, not physically, but emotionally. And when he was there, L was far from sight (thought to be exact). Perhaps it's not too much to say that, he pretty much kept me sane. Or cured my pain temporarily. But when he hangs up the phone, L would pin me down, placing all pressure on my chest, preventing me from falling asleep. But at least I have used every ounce of tears when I was on the phone, that I have nothing left for L. So there I was, staring at the ceiling, as L laid next to me on my soaked pillow, going through our usual conversations...

It was December 19th at wee hours in the morning, when I realised L went missing. I don't know how & I don't know why. L just disappeared... It came back again the following day and a week later, but didn't stay long like it used to. Until today, I'm trying to figure out, HOW? So that if it ever decided to stay for another vacation, I would know how to say "NO, dude, go find some place else!" I'm still working on that. For now, L is gone. It feels like a dark cloud just flew away, and I can feel the warmth of the sun. I start seeing fresh flowers everywhere. Sweet scents started flooding my airway. I felt new. I know this might sound absurd, but really I'm not bullshitting you xD I've been researching about this okay, and when I do get the answers I'm looking for, I'll share. But for now I'm clueless as to HOW WHY OR WHAT, but I'm so glad L is gone. I'm pretty sure it's not for good. We had such a "relationship", it's bound to come back. Till then, I'm savouring every minute of it :D It left just in time for Christmas, or maybe it was Christmas. Partly the fact that I had a list for Christmas shopping, made me feel less lonely. I bet L hates Christmas. Maybe I was exhausted from feeling dreadful & bitter. Or maybe L is taking a break? I don't know. I don't really care, as long as it stays away long enough for me to find a way to say NO.

Things fell into place perfectly till New Year's Eve. It was a little crazy & odd in many ways, but it was a start of a new year. I'm really looking forward to this year. Class starts of Tuesday. And I promised myself to try harder with my current peers. We'll be seeing each other more often than the previous semester, so hopefully things will work out. I'm planning to join Sunway Student Council to meet more people. Partly because I miss ALSCO so much, and I'm hoping to find something similar. And I need that as a consolation if everything else fails with my classmates. I'm planning to do something about my passion in music. I spoke to Kent at the NYE house party (in a semi-drunk mode) spilling how badly I'm waiting for an opportunity to do that. Kent has a band of his own (Ice T) and he does gigs at various events. I wanna do something like do. Or at least create an outlet for my interest. So, step 1: get a new guitar (old one sounds pathetic somehow). Step 2: gather the courage to upload covers on YouTube, that I've been telling myself to do for the past year. Actually it was one of my 2010 resolution, but yeah it didn't happen. Step 3: dig out all the past songs I've written & really do something about it. I think a year should be enough for that one resolution alone right? Oh I do hope so. Besides that, I have tonnes of books to read!! OMG. I don't think I can ever finish them. Yet, I still have the compulsion to get MORE MORE MORE xD

So, that's it for a post-mortem. SALUTE to you if you actually read everything! Haha. As usual, I couldn't help myself. But I guess it's a good way to start the new year, for the blog I mean. Laying past demons & fears. Really recognising it as the past. And putting it all behind me...

I shall end this post by a quote that has really helped me through all the dark times...

Baby steps... All it takes are baby steps.

with love,

Stephay

Mistletoe, Carols & A Closing Chapter

2010-12-24T01:33:00.006+08:00

so i've been avoiding the internet at every chance i get.
i only log on to facebook with my mobile,
which means viewing news feed would be quite a hassle,
thus i won't bother.
i haven't seen my profile for about a week or so,
therefore i have no clue who has been walling me.
so i wouldn't have to bother to reply.
so basically i've only been posting birthday wishes,
and checking my inbox for important stuff.
i'm proud to declare that i wouldn't keel over if FB was banned!
which i think is fucking ridiculous for the gov to do nevertheless.
so what am i avoiding?
i don't know.
actually, there are a couple of reasons...
but i can't seem to pin point which is the ultimate one.
basically i'm just tired of feeling bitter about
1. not studying where i wanna study

2. not having to chance to travel (which i would if i'm studying where i'm suppose to study)
3. missing people (like a one way street) & ruining Christmas
4. being constantly reminded of things i wanna forget.

so i guess the best way is to run away?
that's always the easiest thing to do at times like this.
the question is: how far can you run? or how long can you keep at it?
so by avoiding Facebook & all the pointless dwelling,
i get to focus on what's special here...
family & friends (who are still around)
i've been home most of the time lately...
burying myself in Christmas preparations.
Christmas shopping with dearest Nutty.
Getting all the gifts wrapped...
Searching for Christmas recipes...
Grocery shopping! (feeling like a kid in a candy store)
and soon i'll be trying to meet up with friends i haven't seen in months.
really, all these beats feeling bitter about losses.
i'm trying to let go of losses, and focusing on what i have in my hands.
family who will always be here, through thick & thin.
friends who would never forget to just say "Hi, Good morning!"
or even a short annoying "Hi." & "whassssuuuuuppp?"
just to let you know they're here & they've got your back.
i guess that matters the most.
people tend to take tiny things like these for granted.
and i'm GUILTY AS CHARGED.

i just wanna end my year with a less bitter note (if not bitter AT ALL)
tonight's long conversation with Jean made me realise alot.
through all the pain & sadness & disappointments & unexpected losses,
we need to love ourselves enough to pull through...
to remind ourselves we deserve better...
to convince ourselves the worst is over...
to console ourselves that there's a better tomorrow!
because dwelling in bitterness would just harm us more.
i fear myself the most, my own thoughts scare me.
so i guess to overcome that fear, i gotta love myself.
love myself enough to trust my own thoughts.
love myself enough to know i can pull through on my own.
that i don't need anyone but myself.

so, here's a note (& a gentle reminder) for Jean
you will never be alone, as long as you have yourself in mind.
you are your own friend. your rock & your shelter.
have faith in yourself, and no one can ever fail you :)
when times are rough, and friends just don't seem to be enough,
be there for yourself & you can expect no disappointments.
you are your own expectation.
of course, don't forget that lots of people love & support you no matter what.
xoxo

i know it's much easier said than done...
as i'm constructing my "speech",
i find it hard to believe & live by it.
so i'm learning and trying.
who needs self motivation courses & books
when you can psych yourself right?
therefore, my Christmas gift to myself is
TO STOP DWELLING IN BITTERNESS.
i've done enough damage to myself already.
let's just open our eyes to things that make us happy.
like right now, having the (unusual) ability to stay till four in the morning for the past few nights (for me) to watch StarWorld (which is FEMINIZED beyond words, if i may say)
anyhoo... i'm declaring this (as silly as it ALL may sound) here,
because i know WITH ALL MY GUT, along the way i would stumble.
and all this will sound FUCKING RIDICULOUS to me.
like i'm on drugs, or been too HIGH in cheers from watching Oprah.
albeit all the crazy thoughts, this post will mean something
and this will be a gentle reminder to me...
that i (the most cynical person i know) have been optimistic once.
IT MUST THE THE CHRISTMAS SPIRIT! haha.
or the fact that i'm turning 20 soon..
& i don't wanna be a bitter 20 year old LADY xD
goodbye crazy teen years, hello mundane responsibilities!
still think i'm a crazy psycho person for trying to convince myself?
i'll be prancing around like a hippy flowerchild with happy thoughts,
as the whole lot of you drown in bitter reality of the big TWO OH!
COME JOIN ME! *hocus pocus*
WAIT. i need to say that this doesn't mean i'm stripping off my cynical side.
oh, it'll be here alright, forever & never leave...
but i'll make sure the sunny side will shine brighter than the other.
for all that's worth :D

okay, enough of the self medication bullshit that i've been rattling on for the past, idk how long you've spent reading this, but yeah :B
Merry Christmas in advance!
And may the Christmas spirit bring you exceptional joy & unexpected gifts!
HoHo!

with love,
stephay aka crazy psycho bitch

as the new year approaches...

2010-12-20T21:45:00.002+08:00

i'm really compelled to say this:-
you are no longer the person i once knew
you have become a total stranger
i'm starting to lose the respect bit by bit
and somehow i'm starting to care less and less
because you have become foreign
and i start questioning myself...
did i really know you in the first place?
perhaps not...
people change
people come and go
and lately 2 have done that
the ones that i least expected
life's the way it is...

--published using mobile web

That Casting Shade

2010-12-13T18:02:00.005+08:00

Here I stand beautifully;
albeit my solemn background.

Declaration for a hiatus did not work after all.
The impulse to reach out is far too great.
Perhaps deep down I know, I'll never turn back.
And the hiatus will never come to an end.

So, I've finally psychoed DaddyDearest into putting the Christmas tree up.
Ever since we got the dog, he's been an annoying old sport.
Okay, perhaps an old fart would be far more accurate...
But that would be really crude :p
Maybe it's the whole "mid-life" crisis catching up on him.
He's been such a clean freak lately, it's infuriating.
Taking it out on the poor puppy, who can't really help but shed.
That dopey looking thing is just defenseless!
Although she does shed like a snowstorm in December...
Anyhoo, back to the whole Christmas tree "hoo haa".
Mr.Spotless has been (extremely) reluctant to put up the tree.
Just because he thinks the house would be in further mess,
and the dog would pee on it... (note: it's a bitch.)
Since April (the bitch) has been humping like any unneutered stud would...
He's somehow convinced that she would prolly take up the territorial act as well.
I'm pretty sure it was a COMPLETE excuse to debate with me.
Along with other reasons such as dust collecting, shedding glitters (accumulated with fur = Apocalypse Now in his world), dog chewing on ornaments, dog chewing on tree, dog pushing the tree over, dog chewing on light bulbs, dog this and that...
Basically, he's blaming the existence of the DOG.
He's just not used to that four-legged creature all up in his space.
And I ain't backing down on that. I like it that way :p

Well, I made a huge fuss about it.
I mean, come on, it's Christmas.
When it comes to the tree, no negotiation.
I don't attend church service anymore,
so that's the closest to Christmas I can get.
Without a tree, it wouldn't feel like Christmas to me.
And Christmas is a HUGE DEAL! For me at least...
It's my favorite season of the year :)
So, I threw a tantrum, like an annoying 3-year-old would.
"FINE! No tree, no Christmas, I might as well not celebrate it. I won't be getting presents then. Cancel the Christmas eve dinner. What's the point? FINE!" *pout pout pout*
He gave in.
I have come to a conclusion.
The only way for me to get to him,
is to act like the little girl, that he has missed so much.
All that pointless mature act should be out the door!
Christmas, once again, made me feel like a kid again.
In every way possible.
But I guess my dad would be the last person to complain :p
Maybe next time when I'm heading out at night, and he protests,
this newly discovered secret "weapon" should come in handy :D

I need to go Chirstmas shopping, ASAP!
I've only bought presents for the two annoying pipsqueaks.
And another a custom made gift, on it's long journey,
oh I hope it arrives soon, if ever.
The boyf's present is only 10% complete.
Yes, I've settled for a handmade gift again, because idk what to get.
Google gave me plenty of unaffordable results that gave me a tiny cardiac arrest, and a funny constricting feeling down my pocket.
Not that I'm frugal or anything like that, but seriously...
I'm barely surviving since I have four other people to buy for.
*butterflies fluttering out of purse*
So I shall throw my unartistic self into an unusual world of coloured papers & scissors.
Really, for a girl, I suck at art so bad, it's mortifying xD
But thankfully, most of my efforts do not bawl eyes, which is a great success :D

12 days to Christmas!
I'm excited.
It'll be different, and quieter no doubt.
But hey, it's Christmas.
Don't let the spirit die down.

On another note...
Happy 1year & 7months :)
Wow, time really does fly eh?
As the clock ticks, it gets tougher.
Spending time apart feels like swimming in the middle of the ocean.
Exciting at first, as the adrenaline kicks in...
Eventually it just feels like a fight for survival.
As exhaustion washes through, the anticipation of sinking sets in.
I want to stay afloat, with you.
But I want you to know...
It ain't easy.
It really isn't.

Odds & Ends

2010-12-12T15:07:00.002+08:00

I feel like I need a hiatus.
From the internet...
& from the real world.

Will I be able to pull that off?
I've been trying to isolate myself all day.
Ain't working out very well.

Just wanna be left alone.

--published using mobile web

Something Worth Knowing

2010-12-10T14:36:00.007+08:00

Clubbing was odd last night.
Not a good idea to club with guys whom you are close to.
It's bound to get awkward...
And, I hate hate hate people who get drunk in clubs.
Okay, even if you wanna get drunk...
please oh please DON'T do it before 1am.
It's obnoxious. And shows how much of a NOOB you are -.-
Like, hello! Know your limits & save yourself the embarrassment.
Got bumped & hit in the face by a drunk friend of a friend.
DOUCHE BAG!
I've had my days of babysitting drunktards,
& I've sworn that that's gonna be the last of it.
So, piss off if you're anywhere near keeling over!

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Anyhoo...
Been reading Eat, Pray, Love for the past few nights.
I'm only on Chapter 18, and I'm HOOKED!
No, it's not for menopausal women!
Like what Bryan says -.- Note: Bryan's a douche!
It really helps people who have gone through depression,
understand better that they're not alone...
And it's not uncommon. AND it can happen to ANYONE.
I've been through those dark days during my early teens,
still facing occasional (if not rare) dark episodes till today,
and reading this memoir is like the first step to closure.

So here's my favorite chapter so far...

Italy
or
'Say It Like You Eat It'
or
Thirty-six tales About the Pursuit of Pleasure

17

I'd stopped taking my medication only a few days earlier. It had just seemed crazy to be taking antidepressants in Italy. How could I be depressed here?
I'd never wanted to be on the medication in the first place. I'd fought taking it for so long, mainly because of a long list of personal objections (e.g.: Americans are overmedicated; we don't know the long-term effects of this stuff yet on the human brain; it's a crime that even American children are on antidepressants these days; we are treating the symptoms and not the causes of a national mental health emergency...). Still, during the last few years of my life, the was no question that I was in grave trouble and that this drama with David evolved, I'd come to have the symptoms of a major depression - loss of sleep, appetite and libido, uncontrollable weeping, chronic backaches and stomachaches, alienation and despair, trouble concentrating on work, inability to even get upset that the Republicans had just stolen a presidential election... it went on and on.
When you're lost in those woods, it sometimes take you a while to realize you are lost. For the longest time, you can convince yourself that you've just wandered a few feet off the path, that you'll find your way back to the trailhead any moment now. Then night falls again and again, and you still have no idea where you are, and it's time to admit that you have bewildered yourself so far off the path that you don't even know from which direction the sun rises anymore.
I took on my depression like it was the fight of my life, which, of course, it was. I became a student of my own depressed experience, trying to unthread its causes. What was the root of all this despair? Was it psychological? (Mom and Dad's fault?) Was it just temporal, a "bad time" in my life? (when the divorce ends, will the depression end with it?) Was it genetic? (Melancholy, called by many names, run through my family for generations, along with its sad bride, Alcoholism.) Was it cultural? (Is this just the fallout of a post-feminist American career girl trying to find balance in an increasingly stressful alienated urban world?) Was it astrological? (Am I so sad because I'm a thin-skinned Cancer whose major signs are all ruled by unstable Gemini?) Was it artistic? (Don't creative people always suffer from depression because we're so supersensitive and special?) Was it evolutionary? (Do I carry in me the residual panic that comes after millennia of my species' attempting to survive a brutal world?) Was it karmic? (All these spasms of grief just the consequences of bad behavior in previous lifetimes, in last obstacles before liberation?) Was it hormonal? Dietary? Philosophical? Seasonal? Environmental? Was I tapping into a universal yearning for God? Did I have a chemical imbalance? Or did I just need to get laid?
What a large number of factors constitute a single human being! How very many layers we operate on, on how very many influences we receive from our minds, our bodies, our histories, our families, our cities, our souls and our lunches! I came to feel that my depression was probably some ever-shifting assortment of all those factors, and probably also included some stuff I couldn't name or claim. So I faced the fight at every level. I bought all those embarrassingly titled self-help books (always being certain to wrap up the books in the latest issue of Hustler, so that strangers wouldn't know what I was really reading). I commenced to getting professional help with a therapist who was as kind as she was insightful. I prayed like a novice nun. I stopped eating meat (for a short time, anyway) after someone told me that I was "eating the fear of the animal at the moment of its death." Some spacey new age massage therapist told me I should wear orange-colored panties, to rebalance my sexual chakras, and, brother - I actually did it. I drank enough of that damn Saint-John's-wort tea to cheep up whole a Russian gulag, to no noticeable effect. I exercised. I exposed myself to the uplifting arts and carefully protected myself from sad movies, books and songs (if anyone even mentioned the words of Leonard and Cohen in the same sentence, I would have to leave the room).
I tried so hard to fight the endless sobbing. I remember asking myself one night, while I was curled up in the same old corner of my same old couch in tears yet again over the same repetition of sorrowful thoughts, "Is there anything about this scene you can change, Liz?" And all I could think to do was to stand up, while still sobbing, and try to balance on one foot in the middle of my living room. Just to prove that - while I couldn't stop the tears or change my dismal interior dialogue - I was not yet totally out of control: at least I could cry hysterically while balanced on one foot. Hey, it was a start.
I crossed the street to walk in the sunshine. I leaned on my support network, cherishing my family and cultivating my most enlightening friendships. And when those officious women's magazines kept telling me that my low self-esteem wasn't helping depression matters at all, I got myself a pretty haircut, bought some fancy makeup and a nice dress. (When a friend complimented my new look, all I could say, grimly was, "Operation Self-Esteem - Day Fucking One.")
The last thing I tried, after about two years of fighting this sorrow, was medication. If I may impose my opinions here, I think it should always be the last thing you try. For me, the decision to go to the route of "Vitamin P" happened after a night when I'd sat on the floor of my bedroom for many hours, trying very hard to talk myself out of cutting into my arm with a kitchen knife. I won the argument against the knife that night, but barely. I had some other good ideas around that time - about how jumping off a building or blowing my brains out with a gun might stop the suffering. But something about spending a night with a knife in my hand did it.
The next morning I called my friend Susan as the sun came up, begged her to help me. I don't think a woman in the whole history of my family had ever done that before, had even sat down in the middle of the road like that and said, in the middle of her life, "I cannot walk another step further - somebody has to help me." It wouldn't have served those women to have stopped walking. Nobody would have, or could have, helped them. The only thing that would've happened was that they and their families would have starved. I couldn't stop thinking about those women.
And I will never forget Susan's face when she rushed into my apartment about an hour after my emergency phone call and saw me in a heap on the couch. The image of my pain mirrored back at me through her visible fear of my life is still one of the scariest memories for me out of all those scary years. I huddled in a ball while Susan made the phone calls and found me a psychiatrist who would give me a consultation that very day, to discuss the possibility of prescribing antidepressants. I listened to Susan's one-sided conversation with the doctor, listened to her say, "I'm afraid my friend is going to seriously hurt herself." I was afraid, too.
When I went to see the psychiatrist that afternoon, he asked me what had taken me so long to get help - as if I hadn't been trying to help myself already for so long. I told him my objections and reservations about antidepressants. I laid copies of the three books I'd already published on his desk, and I said, "I'm a writer. Please don't do anything to harm my brain." He said, "If you had a kidney disease, you wouldn't hesitate to take medication for it - why are you hesitating with this?" But, see, that shows how ignorant he was about my family; a Gilbert might very well not medicate a kidney disease, seeing that we're a family who regard any sickness as a sign of personal, ethical, moral failure.
He put me on a few different drugs - Xanax, Zoloft, Wellbutrin, Busperin - until we found the combination that didn't make me nauseated or turn my libido into a dim and distant memory. Quickly, in less than a week, I could feel an extra inch of daylight opening in my mind. Also, I could finally sleep. And this was a real gift because when you cannot sleep, you cannot get yourself out of the ditch - there's no chance. The pills gave me those recuperative night hours back, and also stopped my chest and the panic alert button from inside my heart.
Still, I never relaxed into taking those drugs, although they helped immediately. It never mattered who told me these medications were a good idea and perfectly safe; I always felt conflicted about it. Those drugs were part of my bridge to the other side, there's no question about it, but I wanted to be off them as soon as possible. I'd started taking the medication is January 2003. By May, I was already diminishing my dosage significantly. Those had been the toughest months, anyhow - the last months of the divorce, the last ragged months with David. Could I have endured the time without the drugs, if I'd just held out a little longer? That's the thing about human life - there's no control group, no way to ever know how any of us would have turned out if any variables had been changed.
I do know these drugs made my misery feel less catastrophic. So I'm grateful for that. But I'm still deeply ambivalent about mood-altering medications. I'm awed by their power, but concerned by their prevalence. I think they need to be prescribed and used with much more restraint in this country, and never without the parallel treatment of psychological counseling. Medicating the symptom of any illness without exploring its root cause is just a classically hare-brained Western way to think that anyone could ever get truly better. Those pills might have saved my life, but they did so only in conjunction with about twenty other efforts I was making simultaneously during that same period to rescue myself, and I hope to never have to take such drugs again. Though one doctor did suggest that I might have to go on and off antidepressants many time sin my life because of my "tendency toward melancholy." I hope to God he's wrong. I intend to do everything I can to prove him wrong, or at least to fight that melancholic tendency with every tool in the shed. Whether this makes me self-defeatingly stubborn, pr self-preservingly stubborn, I cannot say.
But there I am.

[Excerpt from Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert; Bloomsbury 2007]

Yes. I typed out the whole chapter.
Because I feel it's worth every single word.
(I hope I won't be accused of copyright infringement)
I don't think a little quotation from here and there would help.
Every part of this chapter is equally important to be pointed out.
And I hope that this would encourage people to buy,
and read the rest of her memoir.
It's amazing. The way she writes is just... DEAD HONEST!
It takes a lot of courage to reveal everything to the world through a book.
Her vulnerability and her darkest hour.
This particular chapter made me tear a lot.
That's mainly because the countless answers that I'm been searching for,
for many years now, were finally found.
In the most peculiar indirect way.
If her words can help a person like me,
an insignificant tiny winy drop of splotch in this world,
can you imagine how many women's lives can be changed.
Or even relieved at the very least.
No wonder she sold over 10 million copies worldwide!

I'm not even halfway through the book, and I'm beyond amazed.
Will definitely share more quotes that stand out to me.
But there is no way to really feel what she's trying to say,
if you don't read the book, really...
And NO, once again, it's not only for menopausal women!
And it's not a self-help material.
Just the story of a really honest woman with the biggest courage (in a realistic world)!

Brown Pages Therapy

2010-12-09T16:43:00.004+08:00

Had a rough episode last night.

Missed everyone so dearly...

Totally teared when I was on the phone with the boyf.

He seriously triggered it :s

Was trying to hold the sorrow in, but HE had to dig it -.-

No doubt, I felt a lot better after.

And his soothing words really helped a lot.

"Whenever you feel sad, think about how each of them are working hard at achieving their future happiness, and in return, you'll feel happy for them as well. As long as you remember that you're always in their hearts, as they are in yours... Everyone will meet up again eventually, till then treasure those sweet memories."

Okay, it wasn't exactly like that WORD by WORD.

But the main content of what he said is definitely in there.

I would quote more, but I can't remember what else he said xD

Let's just say I was nagged at (very gently) for 30 mins for crying :x

I'm gonna have to avoid Facebook for the next few days.

Or at least only use my mobile version where it's really difficult to access to pictures.

They make me feel sappy & lonesome.

Everyone is either away, or busy with exams.

What horrible timing! Christmas is just around the corner :(

*SNAP OUT OF IT!*

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

We shall leave that as that, and not dwell in it any longer.

Or another sappy episode will lurch.

So, I consoled myself by splurging on BOOKS today!

Went to Big Bookshop @ Atria, where they sell dead cheap books!

Here's a list of what I bought:

1. Angels & Demons by Dan Brown

2. Da Vinci Code by Dan Brown

Alright, I read them both already, but I really really wanna own them. I think those books are worth being kept in shelves & flipped occasionally for years to come.

And a whole load of CLASSICS!

3. The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes by Arthur Conan Doyle

4. The Age of Innocence by Edith Wharton

5. Around the World in Eighty Days by Jules Verne

6. Oliver Twist by Charles Dickens

7. Tess of the D'Ubervilles by Thomas Hardy

8. Macbeth by William Shakespeare

9. Sense & Sensibility by Jane Austen

10. Great Expectations by Charles Dickens

11. The Picture of Dorian Grey by Oscar Wilde

These I'm gonna keep for many many many years. And pass on to my children. And my children's children. And my children's children's children... You get what I mean :p

And one that I've been looking all over for, that's NOT a movie poster,

12. Capricornia by Xavier Herbert

That's 3 strikes off my list :D

The total bill came up to RM115.

SUCH A STEAL ISN'T IT?

Where on earth can you buy books at that kinda price?

If you know of a place, LET ME KNOW ASAP!

So, last night's episode : temporarily CURED! :D

And hopefully tonight is gonna anesthetize me for a week (or more)

Let's get INTOXICATED!

Reminisce

2010-12-08T21:19:00.002+08:00

I miss all of you so badly right now.

Went through all the wall photos, Redang photos, graduation, etc...

It makes me sad.

I'm devastated actually, that you guys aren't here.

This year's Christmas is gonna be somewhat lonesome.

It'll not be complete, cause' everyone's missing.

All I want for Christmas this year is YOU, YOU AND YOU!

Even the boyfriend won't be around this year *wails!*

And it has just dawned upon me :(

*sobs*

I miss you guys so so so much.

Please come back!

Ah, another of this "episode" to go through :'(

To all of you out there, if you ever stumble upon this.

I MISS YOU GUYS, FROM THE DEEPEST BASE OF MY HEART!

Oh, please, Santa. Wrap them up in a red sack & send them down my chimney.

I'll have plenty of cookies & hot cocoa for you!

xoxo with love

I Need It Flaming

2010-12-08T00:24:00.005+08:00

I did something (kinda) outrageous on a regular Monday.

No Monday blues for this week, thank you.

I painted it RED :D

Highlighted me virgin hair & had it deflowered xD

I was staring at the blue, but my mom was eying on me,

inches away from gnawing me off if I did.

And well, the hairstylist so convincingly said "You'll look good in red!"

So you know how we always feel inclined to believe what they say!

And I did. Am thrilled with the results!

Really wanted to dye everything, but decided not to give my dad a cardiac arrest.

Since I can't revamp my crazy wavy hair with any suitable hairstyle

that would even look a tad bit different than it is, and I can't have bangs.

So get it PAINTED :D

Dad's reaction was priceless nevertheless.

"You look PUNK..."

I didn't even know that was in his vocabulary xD

At least he didn't start off his nag rage.

Which means a victory on my side this time (Y)

Dad 921397642383219 : 1 Steph

Being a good girl that I (always) am, stayed home tonight.

Nah actually I was dead exhausted from this afternoon.

And saving a greenlight for Thursday night,

which I hope will turn out well cause all I feel is obligation for now.

Anyhoo... Last night's hangout got me wondering...

Have I really changed for the past 2 years?

Well, yeah, I do a couple of things that I sworn I wouldn't back then.

But, who doesn't really?

I don't get why everyone made such a big deal to see me doing something

that everyone else has done or is still doing it.
I mean, come on gimme a break here!

Pot kettle black, honey!

All that mouth gaping, eyes wide opened, stunned expressions,

hoohaas & "oh my god I don't believe it..."

Seemed like bullshit to me.

We're all human.

Don't give a preacher's speech & tell me that you've been living by it.

I'm sure as hell wouldn't believe.

Just like how you told me one thing in full vulnerability

and jumped on the opposite side of the road a day later.

Claiming all fine & dandy.

But I'll be picking up the pieces later.

And I'm suppose to sit by and let it all happen?

While I'm on the fence most of the time.

What am I to do, really?

There's only so much one could do to intervene.

No, I don't agree with it.

But I sure ain't necessarily right either way.

What's the "right" thing to do in situations like these?

I'm sorry but the most I can do right now is patching.

I can't be there for the prevention.

I can't be there as a wall or a shield or whatnots.

Because I'm pretty sure you won't let me.

So, here's my conclusion.

We're all masochistic hypocrites.

We say things, we wish we meant, and then blow it one way or another.

And in return hurt ourselves more than anyone else.

We say we're gonna take it out on the world,

as we do a 180 before breaking the walls of our pasts.

Inching towards further vulnerability.

And when we least expect it... BAM!

I guess we'll find out?

Okay.

The red hair has made me a crazier cynical bitch.

17 days to Christmas.

My favorite time of the year.

My checklist is out, and I'm half a tick done (hoorah!).

So which list are you on?

Naughty or nice?

I'm pretty sure that I'm on the "crazies" :D

-OUT-

It's Times Like These

2010-12-05T21:36:00.002+08:00

"Despite a pool of red roses,
it requires green leaves
to accentuate its beauty.
Baby, you might be someone to the world,
But you're the world to someone..."

You always manage to put a smile on my face.
No matter how hard the day has been.
And you never seem to give up,
No matter how doubtful I always get....
I'm truly grateful to have you :)

Running In Circles

2010-12-02T14:18:00.006+08:00

There are days when I feel like the whole world is crumbling,
and there are days when I scoff at myself for feeling so.

There are days when I holler "fuck the world",
and there are days when I shadow it upon myself.

There are days when I feel down & alone,
and there are days when I feel showered with love.

There are days when I wanna just cage up indoors,
and there are days when I'm dying to spring out.

There are days when I blast & dance to electro music,
and there are days when I drown myself in mellow music.

There are days when I feel like you're lacking of my expectations,
and there are days when I beat myself up for expecting too much.

There are days when I feel like I can do better,
and there are (most) days when I feel like you're the best I could ever wish for.

There are days when I feel nothing when you utter sweet words,
and there are days when they just fill my eyes with tears of joy.

Why can't the world be black & white for once?
Albeit how dull it will be, just for once, without all those chaos?
Without having to make a decision on HOW to feel.
On what's right & what's wrong.
On what's better for the other person.
On what's better for yourself.
Decisions, decisions...
Sometimes thinking about the consequences that might come after a decision,
can drive me up the wall, all the way to that darn ceiling.
Why do I even bother?
Why do I eat myself up for petty little things that I just shouldn't give a damn about.
And things that I'm supposed to give a damn about just slips off my mind...

Had extreme lack of sleep yesterday.
Spent the whole day out till 4pm,
after a mere 2 hours of sleep the night before.
The entire day felt like a limbo.
Had the constant urge of falling asleep,
but deep down I was excited because Bryan was back from Aussie.
Yet, I failed to gather the strength to be a tad bit enthusiastic.
Came back home from a good day, to a bad & rough night.
Getting a lot of attitude & bad vibes at home.
Maybe I was just too exhausted to notice the positive ones.
There was a moment when I wanna curl under the blanket,
call you & cry my heart out.
But somehow I knew, it would feel ridiculous the next day.
True enough, this morning I woke up, feeling like it never happened.
And it's a better day ahead.

So there are good & bad days.
Good ones that you wanna cherish & store in your little memory box.
Bad ones that you just wanna heal from & erase.
Which one affects you more by the end of the day?
If you asked me, I would say the bad ones.
Good ones are just appreciated, looked upon once in a while, and somehow chucked away.
Bad ones constantly haunt dreams, thoughts & decisions, consciously or unconsciously.
Is it human nature to remember the bad ones more vividly than the good ones.
Or are we, once again, masochistic creatures & like feeling that way :s
Heh. Masochistic. Lost count of how many times I've uttered that word in the past few days.

Today's the day when I rewind & replay whatever happened;
yesterday, the day before, the week before & months before.
Today's the day I feel foolish & silly about past thoughts.
Today I feel sane.
Today the world's black & white.
Today's a better day.
I wonder what tomorrow may hold...

Natasha Bedingfield - Strip Me

2010-11-30T11:25:00.003+08:00

La la la la la la
Everyday I fight for
All my future somethings
A thousand little wars
I have to choose between
I could spend a lifetime
Earning things that I don't need
But that's like chasing rainbows
And coming home empty
And if you strip me,
Strip it all away
If you strip me,
What would you find
If you strip me,
Strip it all away
Ill be alright

Take what you want
Steal my pride
Build me up
Or cut me down to size
Shut me out
But I'll just scream
Im only one voice in a million
but you aint taking that from me
Oh oh no you aint taking that from me x 4

I dont need a microphone, yeah,
To say what I been thinking
My heart is like a loudspeaker
Thats always on eleven
And if you strip me,
Strip it all away
If you strip me,
What would you find

[ From: http://www.metrolyrics.com/strip-me-lyrics-natasha-bedingfield.html ]

If you strip me,
Strip it all away
I'm still the same

Take what you want
Steal my pride
Build me up
Or cut me down to size
Shut me out
But I'll just scream
Im only one voice in a million
but you aint taking that from me
Oh oh no you aint taking that from me x 4

'cuz when it all boils down
At the end of the day
It's what you do and say
That makes you who you are
Makes you think about it,
Think about it
Doesn't it
Sometimes all it takes is one voice

Take what you want
Steal my pride
Build me up
Or cut me down to size
Shut me out
But I'll just scream
Im only one voice in a million
but you aint taking that from me
Oh oh no you aint taking that from me x 4

Yearning For Sun-baked Cheeks

2010-11-29T21:50:00.004+08:00

I hate this.
I truly truly do.
I never believed in it in the first place.
As much as I wished that I would stand corrected.
I didn't.
If anything changed, my belief was strengthened.
LDR is bullshit.
It kills me that I have lost the faith.
I'm sorry.
You said to create our own world.
And to fuck the distance.
Well, babe, fucking it feels so darn bare.

It got me thinking, how much of ourselves do we have to give up in a relationship?
To give up our views, expectations or plain beliefs?
What if two souls are completely different?
True. The opposite attracts. But attraction may merely be temporary.
Do we step out of our comfort zone, just for the sake of it?
Is it really a sacrifice? Well, it sounds masochistic to me.
What if pieces of ourselves get chipped away.
And by the end of all of it, we're just empty souls.
Forgetting how we really were in the first place.
I'm not saying that it's all forced or coerced.
It's free will definitely. Full heartedly.
Which is why I think love is just sick.

I guess as kids we have a list of expectations of how love will be like.
And we glued that ridiculous list at the back of our minds.
That list would definitely haunt us for many years to come.
Like it's haunting mine...
I'm wondering, how long more am I gonna hang on to that fucking list,
till it ruins everything, right under my nose.

What is love anyway?
I don't know. I really don't.
This is only my second serious relationship.
Okay... Not that (serious) made it any different.
And I still feel like a lost sheep in an odd town.
Both taught me different things.
None of which defined what love really is.
You said you love me.
But do you really know what it meant?
I don't.
Which is why those three words halt,
as they travel from my heart to my lips.

This rollercoaster ride is driving me crazy.
Thrilling one minute, life threatening the next.
I find myself holding my breath at each leap.
How much more of that can I do before my brain blows out?
Or before my sanity leaves me... For good.
Maybe I'm too cynical for my own good.
And it's starting to eat me up whole.
The countless doubts ringing in my head.
The guilt of having to hide it from you.
Yet the wound inches deeper & deeper.
Self inflicted wounds of a masochistic soul.

Words don't come easy when necessary.
Not for me at least.
I wish I could explain to you how I really feel.
But everytime you ask me, "What is it that you're thinking/feeling?"
ounces of blood seem to have flood right out of my body,
the numbness in my mind, drawing blank spots...
I really don't know what to say.

I wish I could be as square as you.
Those four easy sides and corners.
Looking the same at every angle.
Those perfect dimensions.
Stable as ever.
I'm just a distorted blotch.
Always twisty & uncertain.
Shifting & turning. Not knowing what space to take up.
Not knowing what to look like.
Not knowing. Plainly, doubtful & unsure.
Liquid.
Sipping through the cracks & disappearing drop by drop.

You deserve better.
You deserve certainty.
You deserve an answer.
An answer I can't fully complete myself.
These countless holes take years to patch.
I don't think I can make it.
I'm being unfair to you. Unjust. Unworthy.
You said there's no such thing as "fair" or "unfair" in a relationship.
You just do what you feel. If it's right it's right, vice versa.
What if I can't feel? Or I just don't know what I'm feeling?
Hah. Is it really possible? To feel so clueless?
To feel empty?
To feel like a two-wheeler on a rope,
hanging in midair 1,000 feet from the ground?

This has been pretty mundane.
I'm constantly struggling to break out of it.
I need so much more to distract me from my own destructive thoughts.
Jogs don't work. Music stopped working as effective as it did.
Smoking became bare & meaningless, the calming effect disappeared.
Alcohol lost its spark, even with, felt temporary.
Standing in a club scene makes me feel isolated as the world spun into intoxication.
Writing songs feels like scribbling anger & frustrations.
Going out each day, expanding social circle became unnecessary.
Baking was a charm, now it became an obligation to finish up the materials.
I need to indulge in extreme sports now.
Something to make me feel like I'm living on the edge.
Like I'm unbeatable & nothing can possibly stand in my way.
Like I have the world in my hand & there's nothing to fret about.

You can say that I'm just plain bored.
I'm prolly going through that "teenage stage" that every parent fears.
The final problem before hitting the big TWO OH, perhaps?
The need to do something extraordinary.
Like a self-discovery trip across the globe!
To venture foreign grounds.
To break out of routine & conformity.
Maybe I need just that.
Hah! The antidote for feeling miserable.
Like how Elizabeth Gilbert traveled to find her true soul.
The true meaning to LIVING.
No doubt I'm just too young to know for sure.
Let's just say, I'm tired of waiting.
I need it now.
Right this instance.
Before it all falls apart...

This is my most personal post to date.
Revealing more than what I really intended to.
But erasing/editing it, or even not posting it,
would defeat the main reason why I started typing anyway.
At least now I have my thoughts spread out.
A slight burden lifted off my shoulders.
For now.

I really wish you wouldn't read this.
But deep down I know you would somehow.
For the better I hope.
That whatever I failed to answer you, is right here...

Who's Hot & Cold?

2010-11-21T11:23:00.002+08:00

You make me confused.
You make me question myself.
Tough questions.
The ones that may be left unanswered,
but so necessary in so many ways.

I'm thankful for our two & a half hours conversation last night.
It made me realise things that I've taken for granted.
As much as I feel guilty,
I guess it's best I make up for it than to dwell in guilt.
Which is why I made that promise.
Though it was a hard pinch when you said you doubt I could keep it.
I will try nevertheless.
Because I know it means THAT much to you.
It may be quite a sacrifice, but please make it worth while.
Or my search will be in vain,
and I'll never know for sure if you're the ONE.

I love that floaty feeling I felt last night.
It was like a green light of confirmation that I'm not in a rut.
But I do hope that this ain't temporary...
I may be out of words & lack of vital expressions.
But I wish with all my might that you'll know.
Somehow, one way or another.

Fingers crossed that we're in this for the win.
Because I am trying to convince myself that this is it.
At least you did convince me last night.
And I'm glad, over the moon, about it! :)

The perfect words never crossed my mind,
Cuz there was nothin' in there but you.
I felt every ounce of me screaming out,
But the sound was trapped deep in me.
All I wanted just sped right past me,
While I was rooted fast to the earth,
I could be stuck here for a thousand years,
Without your arms to drag me out.

There you are standing right in front of me
There you are standing right in front of me
All this fear falls away to leave me naked,
Hold me close, cuz I need you to guide me to safety.

No, I don't want to wait forever...

Read Em & Weep

2010-11-20T20:56:00.006+08:00

Am really losing the constant urge to blog.
It's like, everytime I'm here, I feel the obligation to keep this running.

Been going on a book shopping spree for the past few months.
Haven't been able to read the ones I bought,
yet I'm still adding on to the tiresome list.
Bought Eat, Pray, Love recently... LIKE FINALLY!
Cause I was searching high & low for the original cover.
Thanks to Jean love, who helped me ask the counter.
I realised... I have issues with asking for help.
Like how I would protest when the boyfriend decides to ask the concierge for directions.
No wonder I'm always lost in Pyramid, never bothered to ask xD

Anyways...
So here's the list of books that have been collecting dust (& turning yellow) on my shelf.
1. Thousand Splendid Suns by Khaled Hosseini
2. No Country For Old Men by Cormac McCarthy
3. Elizabeth : The Golden Age by Tasha Alexander
4. Schindler's List by Thomas Keneally
5. The Time Traveller's Wife by Audrey Niffenegger
6. Sundays at Tiffany's by James Patterson and co-author Gabrielle Charbonnet
7. Gone Baby Gone by Dennis Lehane
8. The Unquiet by John Connolly
9. The Broker by John Grisham
10. Kite Runner by Khaled Hosseini (NaaNaa's, I finally found it!)
11. Handle With Care by Jodi Picoult
12. My Sister's Keeper by Jodi Picoult
13. The Pact by Jodi Picoult
14. Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert (my new addition :D)

Currently in reading : Marley & Me by John Grogan (FINALLY -.-)
The pages have turned brown :(

That's it I suppose. Not including the books I'm planning to borrow from Nutty xD
The whole Narnia collection & the entire series of Eragon!
I'm actually feeling really tempted to read the entire Twilight series as well.
Yes, I know. But I really wanna what's the big hoohaa all about :D

I have another list! Books I wanna own soooo badly!
1. ~~Angels & Demons by Dan Brown (read)~~
2. ~~The Da Vinci's Code by Dan Brown (read)~~
3. The Lost Symbol by Dan Brown
4. Eragon by Christopher Paolini
5. Eldest by Christopher Paolini
6. Brisingr by Christophre Paolini
7. The Lovely Bones by Alice Sebold
8. The Death & Life of Charlie St. Cloud by Ben Sherwood
9. The Last Song by Nicholas Sparks
10. The Notebook by Nicholas Sparks (read)
11. Nights In Rodanthe by Nicholas Sparks
12. Dear John by Nicholas Sparks
13. Safe Heaven by Nicholas Sparks
(okay I want his WHOLE collection)
14. Keeping Faith by Jodi Picoult
15. Salem Falls by Jodi Picoult
16. Nineteen Minutes by Jodi Picoult
17. Vanishing Acts by Jodi Picoult
(and HER WHOLE collection, in addition to the 4 I own)
18. Wicked : The Life and Times of the Wicked Witch of the West by Gregory Maguire
19. The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo by Stieg Larsson
20. The Glass Castle : A Memoir by Jeanette Walls
21. The ENTIRE Narnia Series (idk how many xD)
22. The Atonement by Ian McEwan
23. Amsterdam by Ian McEwan
23. Revolutionary Road by Richard Yates
24. The Reader by Bernhard Schlink
25. The Five People You Meet In Heaven by Mitch Albom
26. Tuesdays With Morrie by Mitch Albom
27. The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald
28. Catcher In the Rye by J.D Salinger
29. The Silence of the Lambs by Thomas Harris
30. Watership Down by Richard Adams
31. ~~Great Expectations by Charles Dickens~~
32. The Collector by John Fowles

The list goes on. I can't think of any more right now,
but I'm pretty sure I have plenty more to list down xD
The last 10 books are really really old!
So I'm really hoping MPH would have another warehouse sale.
Then, I'll be able to stock up :D
Imagine, a book can cost up to RM35.
I have say, about 35 in mind.
That would be *calculating....* a total of RM1225!
It's crazy! How on Earth is this encouraging young people to read?!

Yeah I know, receipts can be used for tax deductions.
But really, it would take YEARS for me to complete my collection.
Plus, everytime a movie adaptation comes out,
I'LL WANT THE BOOK!
This year's the WORST!
FOUR came out, and I'm sure you can see which were they *sigh*
To top it all up, I HATE HATE HATE movie poster covers...!

For example...

Gag gag PUKE PUKE PUKE -.-
So not buying the book with him on the cover.

DOUBLE TRIPLE QUADRAPLE CROSS-OUT!

Although this is indeed a juicy cover, I'm still gonna have to pass.

No movie poster covers please!
BRING BACK THE ORIGINALS! :(

So, yes.
I'm still searching.
Any clue, please holler & help me out.
DANKE!

*scurries off & burries self in books*

Monetary Hijack

2010-11-08T17:45:00.001+08:00

It's been a tough week.
I just launched my new blogshop, Neon Runway.
The sales were great for the first five days.
Even had customers from Sabah & Sarawak.
I gotta admit, I was overwhelmed.
But now it's like a sudden HALT.
Been two days now, NO MAIL.
So I'm hoping it wouldn't just DIE there.
I'm aware that the clothes collection are...
well, plain Jane, after some sugarcoating.
It was a risk to buy anything retro/vintage.
And the place we were at didn't give us many options.
So we opted for something, well, buy-able.
But I guess people are more adventurous now.
They wouldn't settle for anything ordinary.
Seems like there's no choice but to purchase new stocks.
I don't even think we'll have the time to wait for total costs to be covered.
We will lose traffic by then.
This really wasn't as easy as I thought it would be.
Did countless advertising by contacting all the fashion reviewers.
Added random people on Facebook, with a new account.

Neon Runway, with pictures of clothes & descriptions...

BUT STILL...

Some bimbos walled & asked "LOL Who r u...?"
Need I explain why that's funny but utterly ridiculous? -.-
So yeah, I had to be a little more thick-skin than usual xD
Hey, whatever it takes right?
*fingers crossed* that this is only a starter's hurdle.
And not something that I would have to GIVE UP eventually.
I really need to make some ka-ching$ babeh!
There's so much I wanna do, but yet MONEY controls it all!

Anyhoo...
Thankfully there's a whole lot of junk about Business in my course.
At least I have a slight foundation to help me through.
Speaking of which, exams are approaching,
& I've yet to feel a tinge of quiver.
Which is a sign that Procrasination never left :s
Gotta start kicking my own ass,
cause in UNI, no one fucking cares if you done badly.
Just repeat the year, and they'll be showered with lovely amounts of cash!
Oh yes, Money controls it all...

Enough of ka-ching nonsense...
I just remembered I promised pictures of my amateur-ish cooking tryouts.

Looks dull eh? I couldn't find yellow squash to give it a livelier colour...

So I splashed it with heaps of bell peppers instead :D

And TADAAAA! The Disney version of Ratatouille is VERY deceiving! Or I just suck at this xD (most prolly eh?)

Chicken Casserole! :D This was cheeeesy! Me loike!! :D

This post was dated 03/11/2010.
Thought I published, but it ended up in drafts.
Ah well :s

Play, Fast-Foward, Rewind

2010-10-21T13:40:00.006+08:00

Still finding it difficult to fit in class.

Still can't communicate with the girls.

Can't seem to laugh along with their jokes either.

We're like vibrating in different wavelengths.

I don't get what they are talking about,

and they don't get what I'm talking about.

There's this ONE girl who was really nice to me.

We hit it off pretty alright, but our conversation would end,

one way or another due to language barrier.

This sucks. Wish I knew Chinese better.

Plus, the people I think I can actually really talk to are some of the guys -.-

as in, without a language barrier...

But they're ALWAYS in a pack...

And there seems to be a river dividing guys & girls in class...

Almost EVERY single class.

Just like back in Pre-School. It's sad! :(

Lately I just gave up & stopped trying.

Cause maybe I was trying to hard.

So, I might have come off too strong.

In an annoying way perhaps :s

So I've been pretty quite, setting a goal to finish that 2.5yrs.

Hopefully, without any kind of DRAMA :/

I'm waiting, desperately, for the Student Council registration to open.

My uni social life is EXTREMELY deprived!

But thank God for lovely friends outside of the Uni circle! <3

Recently I discovered something really cool,

but I don't have a webcam to try it out...

It's called ChatRoulette!

You get to meet & video chat with strangers around the globe.

But there's a catch...

You would (almost) definitely bump into wankers/perverts/flashers/etc...

But of course, there's a "NEXT" button for you to terminate the convo.

If you can overlook all that mental torture...

It can be pretty cool. Some people are just hilarious!
Oh oh! Even Ben Folds is on occasionally.

AWESOME :D

Dying to try it out, gotta get my laptop first.

Stupid Dell Refurbish Promo is sooooo difficult to get through... PFFT!

Anyhoo... COOKING PLANS on Saturday!

MommyDearest will be away for her Awards Ceremony thingy.

So I'll be in charge of feeding PapaBear & the two little retarded cubs >:p

Chicken Casserole & Ratatouille!

Yes, the one from that Pixar movie about ze RAAATTT!

Gonna try making that, but it's a vegetarian dish.

Will prolly do a slight spin on it and add BACON! :D

Whoooots! Shall post pictures soon (:

TOOOODLESS! :B

Love, if you're (still) reading my blog.

This is for you...

Reliant Escape

2010-10-12T12:02:00.003+08:00

Things have not been going too well...

Though I try my best to keep afloat.

Just right above the surface so I could breathe.

Been escaping in a fog.

A fog that would harm me, sooner or later.

Usually people claim that they CAN'T stop.

Not sure if that's an excuse...

But I know I can, I just DON'T WANT to.

I had the weirdest dream last night.

There was a huge crowd of familiar faces.

Friends. Close & acquaintances.

We were all gathered, to be judged.

Our names were called upon, and we had to stand in lines.

One by one, my fellow friends walked towards their assigned lines.

Finally my name was called, and I didn't budge.

I vividly remembered what I said...

"I confess, and I admit my mistakes. But I do not regret it. It was not beyond my control. I chose to commit it. Thus, I am not a hypocrite..."

All eyes set upon me with heat of judgement.

Then it blurred....

I woke up and felt cold sweat down my spine.

Fear. I believe...

Still unsure about what that dream TRULY meant.

But I suppose I'm escaping judgement.

Escaping the truth... and escaping myself.

This is not my first mind boggling dream.

Been having sleepless nights.

So the rest of the day feels like a limbo.

I need some time off this world.

I really wanna fly off somewhere remote.

Somewhere different.

Somewhere calm.

Somewhere to escape all this.

I wish I could just hop on a private jet,

and set forth to Bermuda islands,

or even hibernate at the Himalayas.

In hopes to blend in there,

and never come back.

If life could be that simple.

I hate feeling complicated.

And so messed up...

untangle me...

It Ain't Crazy After All...

2010-10-02T14:39:00.008+08:00

"People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life.

A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave.

A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master..."

— Elizabeth Gilbert (Eat, Pray, Love)

I have found my ultimate saviour.

Something I could read to soothe my aching soul.

Liz Gilbert did what I wanted to do so badly...

Travel around the world for soul searching!

Now I realised, it's not a crazy thought...

That is now my ultimate goal :)

First off... Set out to buy "Eat, Pray, Love"!

"Happiness is the consequence of personal effort. You fight for it, strive for it, insist upon it, and sometimes even travel around the world looking for it. You have to participate relentlessly in the manifestations of your own blessings. And once you have achieved a state of happiness, you must never become lax about maintaining it. You must make a mighty effort to keep swimming upward into that happiness forever, to stay afloat on top of it."

— Elizabeth Gilbert (Eat, Pray, Love)

Old Wounds Resurface

2010-09-26T16:15:00.005+08:00

He's back.

And I'm freaking out.

I thought you'll be gone, for good.

Or even if you're back,

thought you would be smart enough to keep it low...

For both our sakes.

Unsure & rather reluctant to meet you.

Because I know it'll head down that road once again...

And why did you have to come back now?

Of all times, when I'm most vulnerable.

Feels like life's shitting on me, like seriously!

I wish I could pack you in a box,

and ship you back to the mountains of Switzerland.

And pray real hard, you'll never come back.

I wanna disappear from your sight.

But that would make me a coward,

and that would just prove that I'm not over you.

Maybe I am not.

But what matters most, is I WANT to be over you.

And I'll strive my hardest to achieve that...

Because I am happy now.

I found my better half...

And I'm not willing to fall to pieces again.

Not now, and NOT for you.

Maybe I'm thinking too much...

Maybe he's not back for that reason...

And maybe he just wants peace...

But as I hear the whisper of his name,

my wound throbs with discomfort.

And I'm spun back in time.

Back when times were dark and twisted.

Times when I've done things I'm not proud of.

And the worst part is, it was all for him.

I'm freaking out, and I wanna escape.

How do you erase a memory that has been haunting you for years?

One that you've tried so hard to hide beneath the covers?

It resurfaces in a blink of an eye.

I'm in such good progress, and you have to ruin it...

I shouldn't meet you.

I really shouldn't.

But somehow I know, that's inevitable.

As you always have been....

INEVITABLE.

TY, I really need you now...
But how do I tell you,
I'm haunted by the past,
that I said I've forgotten...?
& you're so far away...

Feeling Alien

2010-09-23T18:21:00.002+08:00

A new beginning. Well... Sort of. Same place, same environment, almost similar routine... But it feels so foreign. Going back to Sunway is making me very VERY "homesick". I miss the familiar faces I've spent time with from 8.30am to 4.30pm every single day. And for the final 2 months, we spent time till 9.30pm. I miss all that. I miss everyone from A Levels! Occasionally I see others in their image. I would label them in my head, as look-a-likes. I keep thinking I've bumped into them, then realised it's not them!

Most of all, I keep seeing guys who look like the BF. On Tuesday I saw someone who carries his sling bag the exact way the BF those. Slightly tilted to the side. And it was an almost similar leather bag. Today, I saw someone with his hairstyle coming out from the elevator, with similar glasses! I jolted. Bet the guy thought I was checking him out xD And I heard someone speaking in the hallway, just like the way he would. But it wasn't him. God, I miss him so much. It has only been four days! I can't imagine how I can ever go through with the next 5 months! Is it ever gonna get ANY easier? I really do hope so...!

He manged to get a SIM card there... Been calling me every night since. Would only cost about RM6 per hour. Well, he thinks it's pretty cheap. So I have no complaints... Actually, I do... We're 2 and a half hours ahead of India. And he can only call at night. Which means I'll be more sleep deprived by the end of these 2 years! Kinda xD And, the idle time between is kinda annoying. It takes about a second or two for the wave to transmit. So sometimes our speech clashes. Or I'll have to wait a while for his respond to my cynical remarks. He takes long enough already without that problem :p But I guess I should be thankful that he doesn't mind spending the money to chat with me. However... I've been feeling groggy all day because I slept late. And my dog had to dig me up at 7 for an early walk! PFFFTT...! He has yet to sign up for an internet connection -.- which is killing me! Coz it would be so much easier to chat on Skype, with the webcam. But noooo... He's taking his SWEET time with it :x

Note : Day 4 of LDR and Stephay is already ranting her head off!

Prediction : Therapy needed by the end of September...

Putting that aside... I started uni on Tuesday. I have an extremely quiet class! Like, pin drop silence :/ It got better today... Spoke to some of them. But I'm tired of initiating an introduction... No one bothered to introduce themselves to me. And I'm starting to come off as obnoxious (I think...) because I'm talking too much? IDK. It's just aggravating! Mom says, "Give it some time... They're still adjusting to the new environment; observing around. Whereas you are already familiar with all that..." I really hope she's right. If this lasts for 2 years and a half, I might actually forget how to socialize! Okay, I might have exaggerated on that :p I think the A Levels people have left behind a high expectation. I guess deep down inside, I was hoping to find similar people to patch up the missing people. But I've come to realise, it'll never be possible. No one can ever replace them. They were all such unique individuals. I wish A Levels could have been prolonged. The people made studying so much easier. Now that it has ended, a hole was left behind.

Nevertheless, I'm gonna treasure the good memories! There were countless good & bad times. All worth reminiscing everyday :) I've gotta make the best outta what I have now. Hopefully my classmates will open up more, soon. Cause I'm starting to feel rather lonely in class. The student council and society fair hasn't opened up yet. Probably next year... Which is waaaay too long! I need to keep myself socially busy, or my uni life would be DULL! And it'll be pathetic to have a better college life than uni life lol.

Reminder : PATIENCE IS A VIRTUE! PATIENCE IS A VIRTUE! PATIENCE IS A FUCKING VIRTUE!

toodles :D

Choked Up Windpipe

2010-09-19T22:41:00.002+08:00

I've been avoiding the net all day.

Even if I do come on, I do a quickie,

then scramble to go on a Gossip Girl marathon...

Which is getting a little boring...

After watching 6 seasons of Sex and the City and both the movies,

any other scandalous shows seem juvenile!

Anyway, I'm pretty freaked out about tomorrow...

No idea how's the day gonna be,

cause there wasn't much information provided.

Orientation :/

I feel like a hypocrite...

I've been advising those who were going through this,

yet when I'm in the situation, I'm freezing...

Talk about "practice what you preach" :s

Above all, I feel like my emotions are bottled up in my throat...

It's been pretty difficult to breathe since I left his house this afternoon.

Drove home from his place, feeling lost and alone.

Was about to burst into tears, but I was too caught up trying to find my way home...

THANK GOD!

And now I'm constantly feeling the urge...

But I'm terrified.

Because, if the waterworks start...

It may never stop. Or at least, not till my tear ducts malfunction.

We didn't get a proper goodbye.

At least not the one I expected.

So I guess it was sadness and disappointment, piled up.

And the fact that I was so flustered about the directions home,

made it difficult as well...

But as I got home, I realised...

I unconsciously avoided a proper goodbye.

He's probably still in transit...

Haven't heard from him yet.

This feels like the whole Korea episode again xD

I was actually waiting for my phone to ring...

To hear Jay Z start rapping at the start of "Empire State of Mind".

We both have the same ring tone :)

Then I realised, he's not gonna call tonight.

I'm not gonna be able to share about how freaked out I am...

Ah... I can't bring myself to finish this post...

Not with the stupid tears trickling down my cheeks.

God, I'm starting to sound needy! BLEH!

I better not wake up with puffy eyes tomorrow...! :s

Which is why I'm just gonna end this here...

I miss you... already...

Of Parents and Little Offsprings

2010-09-15T12:21:00.002+08:00

So after speaking to the boyfriend last night, about his unreasonable parents, it got me wondering... Why do adults have kids? The obvious reason is to bring down the bloodline, and to have an heir. Some would really want kids. They claim having kids would just "complete" their lives. Like it's a cycle of things to do once you hit a certain age. To some, this might be the inevitable, since having kids is the consequence of having sex. Though they are many contraceptives out there, but I don't think people really take it, not in this country at least. Some just really love the idea of having kids. But I don't think they realise that these kids would one day transition to adulthood. Some parents would treat their children like kids, even late into their 20s. Some would think they're always right, above all debates. And some would be in level with the young, just for the sake of understanding something that's totally out of their control. Some would despise the fact of their children having leisure time, because leisure doesn't make sense anymore. Some would push their children to the brink of rebellion. Some would expect too much, to an extent where it would seem ridiculous! Some would unconsciously neglect their children, due to their pursue of success and fortune.

So, I asked my mom, would parents ever realise that they have neglected their children? Her answer was rather profound, to me. She said, "No parents would realise they neglected their children. They provide the kids with food, clothes, education and a roof above their heads... Why should the children feel neglected."

So I said, "Sometimes those necessities are not important to us. It's love, compassion and attention that we are seeking out for..."

She sat in silence, trying to take it all in.

Are parents so caught up with their career in this materialistic century? Do they really think riches would make their children happy? As in, really happy deep down inside...?

Many would think rich kids are the ones who live life to the fullest. True, they enjoy the best of the best. They get the best education, the best clothes, the luxurious vacation, the best EXPERIENCE of a lifetime... But I know of many who are drowning in this sea of "love", when they are famished of their parents real love...

I am eternally grateful that I have parents who shower me with enough of love and attention. Although we hardly get to enjoy the riches of life, that's the trade I'm willing to make :) Nevertheless, there are ugly times as well. That makes me question why do adults have kids, like seriously... Like the fact that my parents are over-protective. Getting out of the house feels like a 10k marathon to the opening gate. And when I get there, I'm filled with guilt. And thus, makes me change my mind at the very last minute. So, I am convinced that parents are geniuses when it comes to 'reverse psychology', because it ALWAYS work! I once brought it up that by the time I hit 21years of age, I would move outta the house. That almost gave my parents a heart attack! For Western parents, their kids would leave home when they go to college. But for Asian parents, they would expect their kids to live when them till the wedding bells ring! I don't think I can do that. What if I never get married? Or don't intend to? One thing that they'll never understand either : I don't really believe in marriage. And there are times when they think I'm a total slob, because I really have nothing to do. Well, I admit that I can help around the house a little more than I do, but sometimes everything is done. And sometimes, it seriously did not occur to me that I had to "pick that up". Another thing is, my mother would never understand my needs for freewill. My hopes and desires. My dreams of having a career that I would love, because I swore that I would never wanna end up as someone who hates her job. Because it doesn't make sense to her. It's true that not many adults would end up doing something they love. But there is no harm is hoping. And that doesn't make sense to her either.

I guess we can't get everything in life. And by the end of the day, we're all humans. We are of different generations, with different point of views. And this would never change in a million years. It's just the circle of life. Parents have gone through childhood. But somewhere along the way, they forget. They forget how they wished their parents would come home from work. They forget how they long for gifts from their parents, no matter how tiny. They forget that they were once kids who are going through the exact same thing as we are... And even if they do remember, they would think... 'That's the way it should be'. I have gone through that, so will my children. Maybe down the road, in 20years or less, I will be my parents. I will be doing the exact same thing. I will be worrying my ass off. I will be nagging till the roof blows off. I will be locking all doors with stainless steel padlocks. I will be pushing my children to study hard and be a good person. And I will forget that I was once a child, who wanted nothing more than freedom from my parents.

And to think that one day, my kids will feel the same way as I feel towards my parents, scares me to hell... Makes me wonder if I'll ever want to have kids...

Hey, who knows? Who would really really know... Right?

Parenthood; a stage in life that I will never fully understand, at least not yet.

How Far Is Too Far?

2010-09-12T19:01:00.005+08:00

Watched 'Going the Distance' with the bf today...
A really funny movie with lots of memorable punchlines.
And very insightful as well, for us.

Quote : "We can't keep seeing each other every 3 months, that's not a relationship..."

Which is quite true unfortunately. It gets really hard, especially when we've been spending every weekday together for the past year and a half. It would feel very odd when he's not around. Indeed missing my other half... Will I ever feel whole again?

Who's gonna wait for me to arrive at the car park?
Who's gonna have McD's breakfast with me?
Who's gonna enjoy Japanese food as much as I do?
Who's gonna call me till' wee hours in the morning?
Who am I gonna pinch to wake him up from falling asleep?
Whose shoulders am I gonna lean on?
Whose arms are gonna wrap around me when I'm freezing?
Who's gonna offer a hand when I'm on the verge of tripping off the stairs?

(happens often enough :/)

Most of all, who's gonna give me that warm and loving hug that I adore so much?

If we've just met, and decided to make this exclusive, it might be easier. That's because we're not in that deep yet. And being apart is part of knowing each other, at a safe distance. Now that we are in so deep, and we're so used to having each other around, it's gonna be tough as hell. I do hope the distance will only make our hearts grow fonder, rather than pushing us apart.

The bf kept repeating "Fuck the distance!" (from the movie), as an effort to convince me that everything will be okay. But I can't help but feel doubtful and wary. I've become so dependent on him, I think it's gonna feel like I lost an arm! Or an organ! :s (worst case scenario)

He's leaving in a week, exactly! Next Sunday. Hmm... I hope my tear ducts are clogged. Cause I would really feel silly to shed some tears, then again, it would be cold if I didn't. Well, it's outta my hands anyway. Six friggin months! How the hell am I gonna get through this?

I think I would die if Skype didn't exist.

Like literally...

7 days exactly

but only 2 nights and one more day to spend time with him...

and counting DOWN...

2010-09-11T14:29:00.002+08:00

omaigod you just don't get it -.-

i'm outta words *shoots self*

from defense to offense

and it's all about "me me me me MYSELF and I"

when some things can't be said directly,

the indirect approach is attempted

but what good does it do when one can't read between the lines

coz you just don't get it

i'mma shut one full eye, and try my hardest not to peek

starting now

i don't wanna see those accusations no more

this is the last

In Spite of All That

2010-09-11T11:14:00.006+08:00

So I just realised how I've replaced my "essay" style of writing with lots of photos lately... Felt a little constrained of opinions ever since the recent incident. And I've had the urge to blog several times before this, but somehow as I click 'new post' and dig my thoughts, the urge fades away. And as I'm typing now, that sense of reluctance is resurfacing...

Can't wait to start uni. The amount of free time I have right now is pushing me towards, what they would call, an "unhealthy lifestyle". Been drinking too much beer. Ugh, if only beer is made without the revolting gas... And the effect becomes less and less prominent. Need a large amount to get that numb kick that drove me to drink in the first place. Nevertheless I enjoyed the past two nights out with the bunch.

Wednesday - Victoria Station then G6 @ Gardens, Mid Valley

G6 is a great place to hangout at. The band is terrific. One of them could actually channel Shaggy's voice. AMAZING! And they sang club-mix songs that I never thought possible without digitizing xD

Thursday - Pantai Seafood then Beer Factory @ Sunway Giza

Don't quite fancy Beer Factory... Partly cause we didn't get a good place to sit. But mainly, the music sucks. They played Justin Bieber and Taylor Swift! Not the kinda genre you wanna hear when you're sipping on beer, I would say... But there's Movida nearby, that looks much better...

The reason why I had quite a blast ain't exactly right, I think I better not mention. But then it made me realise why I was rather unhappy before this. It sucks to know that I'm not a priority. It hurts, even when I'm unconscious or when I just wanna shove that thought towards the dark alley at the back of your mind. So it's nice to know that my presence matters, for a change. Though some friends may not be as close, but does it really matter when I'm having such a great time? In fact, the close ones bring more pain sometimes... So I guess I gotta NOT try so hard to get too close with a friend, and expect the same in return. Because sometimes it just doesn't work that way... And when it matters too much, it can be rather unbearable...

Quote : Just close an eye, and things will be less complicated

I should definitely practice that...

The bf would constantly remind me that meeting a friend whom you can totally count on and you can totally be yourself with, is like finding your true love. It's a gem, rare and you gotta be at the right place at the right place. Some would say, you make it your true love...

Quote : We fight for the chosen ones and make them the right ones.

But it doesn't quite work that way, at least for me it doesn't.... The more I try to make it right, the deeper it gets, as it heads towards the inevitable. I'm gonna have to start afresh come the following Monday. I'm gonna meet new people, fresh faces and hopefully a higher probability of finding that darn gem xD But I gotta say, I am afraid. It's new. And well, I do feel freaked out. I always had friends when I moved from primary school to secondary school, and from secondary school to college. In fact I met sooo many old friends in college, I was overwhelmed. But now that I'm gonna start off at a place where I do not have a familiar face to cower behind... Boy, would that be a challenge...!

Nevertheless I gotta say that I'm glad that some of you stuck by albeit the inevitable drama, Jean and Mun Wai in particular. I'm afraid I can't guarantee that whatever happened would be our last. Cause we're down that road where it's our occasional routine? Haha. Let's just hope that's the worst that could happen :)

So this would be sorta like a 'New Year's Resolution'... I'll make an early one :D

To take things lightly.

To not dwell in the unnecessary.

To have an open mind.

To expect nothing.

To just have fun without getting too personal.

Okay, that's FIVE early resolutions xD

Cheers to a fresh new start for everyone else as well. May our uni life be a blast!

When It All Seems Bitter, You Bake :)

2010-09-06T22:20:00.006+08:00

I just remembered I was supposed to post pictures of the Oreo Cheesecake that I made a couple of days ago :D

Used more butter and made it finer in texture. Looks better than before. But it still won't friggin stick. I still can't find out why, maybe I shouldn't freeze it at first, might have made it too brittle...

Tried a little bit of Oreo cookies. Didn't want the chocolate to overpower the cheese. Turns out, not enough Oreo. The cheese overpowered the Oreo by 10 folds...

Mix mix mix... Loooking icky :/ I used hand this time around. In fact, it's a lot smoother than what I can get outta the electric mixer.

Doesn't look very appealing eh?

Viola! Thicker crust and more more more cheeeeeseeee :D

I'm glad it tasted pretty alright. Just the crust that drove me crazy. Brown buggers just won't stick! :p I have to make two more for this coming Friday. Mom wants to bring one to cell, and I'm making another as a present for the Boyfriend's mom's birthday. They have a strictly no present rule xD

A random pop up by Little Miss April here :D She's such a rascal. Nipping and chewing on everything, including my skin. I really wish that she could stop growing! Like, RIGHT NOW!

She used to be able to snuggle on my lap like that when she was barely 2 months old. Now whenever she climbs on, I feel like she's about to gnaw my legs off. And she gets all grouchy that she can't stay on, without her heavy butt sliding off xD So now she drags her favorite toy, Patrick, and sleeps on it at a dark and cosy corner, with a pout on her face xD

Here's her infamous puppy pout. An Oscar winning performance, cause she always win some food in the end. So deceiving!

Anyhooo... I can't wait for uni to start. Been bumming waaaay too much. And too much time to be self-destructive. But in order to get to the days of uni, I have to go through with sorrowful goodbyes. And I'm dreading them. Dilemma dilemma...

Well, I guess it's inevitable. So, for now I gotta prep up for it. Maybe I should get a surgery done, to remove my tear glands. Cause, boy aren't they a hassle at times like these :p

X Marked the Lips

2010-09-05T11:22:00.006+08:00

I've been up pretty late last night, wondering... Since when has the internet become a medium of silent rants (at each other)? Ya know, blogs, Facebook statuses, Twitter, MySpace, Tumblr... YOU NAME IT! Well, I have fallen as a culprit for that. But I thought I was just lashing it out on words, rather than at that person. And my posts act as reminders to me about how silly my previous thoughts were. Often enough, I look back and snigger at my silly thoughts. Like the previous posts, which I've already resolved and found out that I was overthinkin things cynically. I did hurdle through first, of course. Hardly a few hours after I've published the post, I've got calls and messages asking if it were them. I never really thought people still read my posts since it seems pretty dead and my tagboard's the prove of it. So, I logged on to my Nuffnang account to "double check" my consciousness and true enough, I still get many readers daily (unsure if it's from my circle of friends, but that seems to be the case eh?) Little did I realise people feel attacked by what I said, and in return attack me with confrontations and guilt. Which was uneasy at first, but it worked its charm. Even the unintended ones felt taken aback. After a slight clearout, some just plainly said "okay, glad it's not me," or " you should take a chill pill, seriously..." and of course other/s just took it waaay too personally.

I don't really feel like talking about it, in the heat of the situation, or when I'm feeling most bummed out about it. Hey, that's the whole point of it being published here in the first place isn't it? I'm not the type who would verbally rant out about things. I feel vulnerable doing that. And because I don't wanna seem stupid, cause most of the time, they're silly thoughts! I need time to think through, not to say anything else that would come off as airheaded, and mostly for the heat to cool off. Waiting for the right time. I guess some understand and some don't. I'm flawed in that way. And I'm glad that whoever the post was intended for, understood too. Unfortunately, I sparked something else instead. Which actually raged me to rant more, but ah heck. I've done enough damage from all the rantings before, it would just make things worse.

But there's one thing I gotta say : Ask yourself why did you think the post was directed right at you. There must have been something you have done to have made you feel that way. Or you'll just know for sure it isn't you. And to turn it around and say I'm the one with the problem...?

There is so much I wanna say in my defence. But I've learned that it would all mean nothing if other/s don't wanna hear about it. And they're so darn sure your plea is bullshit. The least you could do was wait for me to clear things out when I've stepped out of this messy pig-sty myself... But I guess the damage is done. And I'm finding it so hard to breathe in all these childish acts of diva-ness. I have really heart-breaking goodbyes, uni decisions, financial planning and whatnots to deal with already. The last thing I need is another drama (one thing that our female race can NEVER escape!) to add on to it.

I would wanna state out loud that I'll stop ranting, cause that's the root of the problems, but it'll be like losing my freedom of speech. I was gonna privatise this blog, but Munboy has (persistently) asked me not to. And well, I don't really see the point of a privatised blog... However, I'll practise some self-control. Although I can see that I'll be drowning in my own thoughts instead :/ For better or worse isn't it?

Because I see that it's heading towards FULL destruction, and it's scaring the living shyt outta me!

Is There A Rehab For This?

2010-09-03T18:21:00.002+08:00

Made Oreo Cheesecake :D

I couldn't help myself.

Had a lot of Philadelphia Cream Cheese left.

Bought a row of Oreo Cookies.

Then went ahead with it.

Shall post the pictures tomorrow.

Feeling too lazy right now.

I blame the friggin heat!

It's like an oven here :/

Right now... I don't really (wanna) care anymore.

I'm too tired for that, really.

Maybe that something we thought was there...

Never was in the first place?

Where Cheese & Digestives Meet

2010-09-02T23:24:00.005+08:00

Went on a baking spree again yesterday. Well, sort of... :D

Made No Bake Lemon Cheesecake first!
There are two kinds : one made with gelatin & condensed milk, the other made with wipping cream. I made the latter.

Digestive biscuits. Tastes good on its own too. Kinda sweet without addition of sugar.

Crushing them into fine granulated texture is the hardest part, for me... Took me a full 15 mins. And there were crumbs all over the place :/

After mixing with butter, it's time to layer up! I used a casserole dish because I didn't have a springform pan. And I think the crumbs were not fine enough...

Used my measuring cup to press it firmly. This is very important. Because if it's not firm enough, it'll end up like a cheese crumble. And must add sufficient butter to hold the crumbs together. Since it's non baked, the butter will not melt completely to fulfill that part. At least, that's what I think...

Refrigerate or freeze (which is better) while preparing the cream cheese topping :)

I used Philadelphia cream cheese, which is sooo tasty on its own. The aroma of cheese is fantastic. Gonna look for non dessert recipes to make outta cream cheese :D

Beat the cream cheese (I used an electric mixer, lazy me) until it's smooth. Then fold in whipping cream, for smooTHER texture. Oh! And don't forget some lemon juice!

It looks the same before and after refridgerating. I placed it in the freezer for an hour, before bringing it down to the lower rack. Tried it about an hour later, the crumbs still didn't stick well. But it was pretty alright the next morning.

So I'm guessing, if you wanna serve it, say later in the day. Place it in the freezer. Or leaving it in the fridge overnight will be just fine. But the crust will be way better if I used more butter and crushed finer...

Later that night, I made Banana Cake for Daddydearest.

Mom helped with the banana puree. Some would suggest to use banana essence, I think the cake will last longer since banana will spoil pretty fast. But I think au naturale is what's best :D Not forgetting some lemon juice again :) It's a miracle water.

Mixed lots of butter with eggs, vanilla essence, then finally, self-raising flour. I think self-raising flour can be replaced with all purpose flour and some baking powder, but I don't know how's the conversion like. The self-raising flour gave the cake some "bread" texture. A little spongy. Should have used that for cupcakes!

Bake for a full hour! But I removed it in 50mins. The top layer was starting to get burnt...

My little bro ran towards me in a panic, "Che, your cake is done! It's tearing apart!!!" LOL

Viola! Just like the ones you can buy from the bakery store. But those are too sweet for my mom's liking. Though my mom still found this sweet. I cut the sugar stated in the recipe by HALF! Any less sweeter would make em taste like sick food :p

Ah well... I'm done for now...
Next up : Pound Cake, Cream Puffs, Chocolate Eclairs aaaannnnddddd.... TIRAMISU!
I think the last one would be really tough. Would save the toughest (and best) for last!

Crash and (NOT) Burn

2010-09-01T12:51:00.003+08:00

The past few days has made me dig out my aged and dusty songbook. Been scribbling again. Throwing it all out on paper. Another shot at a self-therapy method. I should sharpen my guitar skills, and MAYBE start recording some nonsense. Hah. Well, just a thought...

Very much inspired by Colbie Caillat...

Kinda in tune with this particular piece...

Begin Again by Colbie Caillat
Written by Colbie Caillat
Album: Break Through
Track: 2

Lyrics :

i can't get you out of the sunlight
i can't get you out of the rain
i can't get you back to that one time
cos you and me are still recovering

so lets just, try to cool it down
the fighting, this feeling of flames
so lets try to slow it down
we crash when we race

oh this is not the way that it should end
it's the way it should begin
it's the way it should begin, again
no, i never wanna fall apart,
never wanna break your heart
never wanna let you break my own
yes, i know we've said alot of things
that we probably didn't mean
but it's not too late to take them back
so, before you say you're gonna go..
i should probably let you know
that i never knew what i had..
i never knew what i had..

see i look for you in the morning
cos that's where my mind always goes
and i can't wait to get to the evening
cos that's when i want you the most

so lets try to cool it down
the fighting, this feeling of flames
so lets try to slow it down
we crash when we race

oh this is not the way that it should end
it's the way it should begin
it's the way it should begin, again
no, i never wanna fall apart,
never wanna break your heart
never wanna let you break my own
yes, i know we've said alot of things
that we probably didn't mean
but it's not too late to take them back
so, before you say you're gonna go..
i should probably let you know
that i never knew what i had..
i never knew what i had..

but i know it now..
i wish i would've known before
how good we were..
or is it too late to come back
or is it's really over,
if it's really over..

but this is not the way that it should end
it's the way it should begin
it's the way it should begin, again
no, i never wanna fall apart,
never wanna break your heart
never wanna let you break my own
yes, i know we've said alot of things
that we probably didn't mean
but it's not too late to take them back
so, before you say you're gonna go..
i should probably let you know
that i never knew what i had..
i never knew what i had..

i never knew what i had..
i never knew what i had..
i never knew what i had..

Maybe I can never escape a messy & destructive relationship.

Like, when it's not, I'm in doubt.

Always expecting it to crash and burn.

Let's not.

...because talking has lost its magic

2010-08-28T13:20:00.001+08:00

LINK

May Vanilla Overpower It

2010-08-27T23:07:00.007+08:00

Been baking a lot lately.
Almost consecutively...
Mom's about to go berserk if I keep invading her kitchen xD
This new thing has helped me kill boredom...
And some angst...

It started off with a birthday present for my brother. Didn't know what to get him (teenage boys are difficult -.-) So I thought, why not just bake him a cake. Almost coincidentally I saw Nigella Lawson's brillant Flourless Chocolate cake on Asian Food Channel (AFC). My current guilty pleasure, till wee hours in the morning! :D

Super sweet chocolate mixture. Note to self : If it's not UNsweetened baking chocolate, NEVER put sugar, even though the recipe stated it's necessary. Western bakers have such sweet tooth I tell ya!

Since I'm such an amateur, I didn't know how to keep the parchment paper intact before filling the dish up with dough. So out came the LAUNDRY PEGS! :D (later found out you can rub butter on the dish before placing the parchment paper, sorta like glu *hides self* :x)

45 minutes later... TAADAA! This is completely FLOURLESS! Well, I didn't have any flour at that time, so I decided to try. It does look a lil burnt, but that's the best part!

Looking like a failed attempt when I flipped it over... So here's a trick (not really xD). Hide em scars with ICING! (lots of em!)

Taadaaa... Okay, not a good job either xD I have no idea how those bakeries make such SMOOTH and GLOSSY icing...! It's a pain to spread the icing!

Final product! For a person who sucks at art so so bad, I'll just pat myself on the back for not smudging everything xD The cake finished in two days. Which I'm glad, but it made me wanna make more...

So I tried Joybaking.com's recipe for Chocolate Brownies...

The recipe isn't exactly different, except I used less eggs and added flour this time. It looks more glossy...

Looks much better this time around, less parchment paper fuss. Because I found out that I only needed to put a base, and just grease the sides. Less origami nonsense :p

Soak the brownies with Chocolate Sauce (DIABETES ALERT!). And let it cool for a moment.

Serve it while is hot and when the chocolate sauce is ooozing into the brownies :D

Went craaaazyy again today, made cupcakes.
This one was a lil obligatory. Long story. Won't even bother...

Vanilla Flavoured Cupcakes

With Chocolate Flavoured Cupcakes

Burning in a really ancient oven...

These were for the boyfriend to bring home. He actually helped out pretty well :) (for a guy... :x)

A design I learned on YouTube :)

Yeah I've gone lazy on the details xD The violet colour didn't turn out very well. Looks a little icky on camera, but it looks much better in real life. I need to get a good camera. Still wishing on that DSLR I've wanted for ages. But ever since the boyfriend had one, I didn't feel it was necessary for me to get one :p But now he's leaving. And he's bringing his NEW BLACK SHINY GIRLFRIEND along with him. Pfftt...

True I've gone psycho on baking. But it's therapeutic somehow. This is now my new therapy :D

Next one : Lemon Non Bake Cheesecake!
WHOOT WHOOT!

scurries off...

Well, I haven't heard from you.
You prolly don't care anymore.
Yes, I was suppose to beep you on the moment to talk.
But I was caught up, and now it's awkward to bring it up again.
So there it's left hanging...

As for you, what were you expecting me to say?
I mean, really? What was I (suppose) to say??

Of No Return

2010-08-27T00:26:00.002+08:00

I'm sorry.

I'm still offended/hurt/stripped off my trust...

You meant that much.

I thought you were raw and genuine.

But, the mark never leaves.

And you, using me again to escape your own shithole.

Well, I'm done cleaning up your mess.

Don't go on a social hiatus and suddenly ask me for help.

Like a convenient 'bootycall'.

Except deceit is much dirtier than cheap sex.

Just as I thought my recent rant would cool things off.

And then I get a double blow...

From these two.

People sometimes disappoint you.

But as humans, we can't stop falling into..

the same darn blackhole.

One Last Note of Sorrow

2010-08-25T22:38:00.003+08:00

It's less than 3 weeks away till I start my uni course...
Although I can't wait to NOT have to sit at home so much,
I'm not exactly looking forward to it either.
I remember telling a good friend of mine...
Never settle for something that's second best,
always do what's best for yourself.
Choose something you'll love doing in years to come.
And yet, I'm at a crossroad, where that option doesn't stay open.
I constantly ask myself, is it my fault that I have met the dead end?
Have I not tried hard enough?
Because clearly, I have not come to peace with the whole thing.
Up till now.
Cause as I hear about people flying off soon...
I feel happy for them, sincerely I do...
But at the same time, part of me dies inside, very slowly.
Achingly I wonder, when will it be my time?

I travel a lot. Really I do.
Through my eyes.
From the pictures I see, to the cultural stories I read.
But with a click of a button, it all fades away.
I am desperately trying to find a way to leave this place...
To a beautiful foreign place, where the adventure lies...

Scotland was a chance. But I lost it.
I guess the only option left,
is to work my ass off for the next few years...
Or... marry a 90-year old millionaire,
and wait for him to go into cardiac arrest xD
An old friend's brilliant idea :D
And travel the world as I please...

There's another thing that I'm disappoited about...
Two important people have let me down in some way...
One, whom I thought I've patched things up with,
hasn't seem to learn the lesson.
I am still of no priority, no matter how much I put him/her first.
The other, whom I trusted so much,
because I thought we had that ONE thing in common,
has showed me that 'it's every man for himself'...
Of all people, I thought you would understand.
But I guess in your world, you're "always" the victim.
Or the almighty, while everyone else is supposed to please you.

Well, look here,
it takes two to tango...
So before you pin this on me, judge yourself first.

This blog has become my rant outlet xD
For a brighter note, visit my tumblr page.
The amazing photos there are so inspirational...

An Odd Collision

2010-08-17T12:18:00.002+08:00

Spoke to a stranger today.

One might say I've shared too much information.

But heck, it felt more connected compared to some whom I've known for years.

A stranger is interested in what you have to say.

There's equal sharing of thoughts.

Unlike some, who would flood you with their own.

Regardless of what you have to say...

It's nice to have fresh new opinions.

And not being judged.

Especially from someone who's from a different part of the world.

Who knows just what to say.

It's sad to figure that I have to confide to a complete stranger,

to know that my thoughts are worth listening to...

Ah well...

On a lighter note...

I have a project in hand.

One that I have planned out, but have yet to execute.

I need to start printing photographs and messages.

For a person who's art-illiterate (if there's such a thing),

this would be a tough task.

And I'm still figuring out how to operate the Adobe CS5.

It has been driving me nuts!

I'mma give up very soon...

Hopefully I'll get to finish this project by end of the month.

That's less than 2 weeks away.

Eek... Seems impossible.

I better get started...

toodles.

one month till uni starts. not really looking forward to it...

Shackles On Ground Zero

2010-08-12T11:10:00.003+08:00

I'm freaking out about my results.

I bet everyone has checked, while I'm restraining myself.

Not till noon... Not till noon...

No matter what the results are,

it still doesn't change the fact that I'll be stuck here.

It'll be such a kick in the face if my results turn out to be my entry requirement.

At the same time, I want it to be that way.

Gah, such a headache!

One things for sure, I'll never be one of em geniuses who nabbed 4A*s

And there's a handful of them!

Freaky much! The brain pool is overflowing!

While I see comments of people wishing Congratulations...

And "I will see you in (a uni in UK) pretty soon!" was such stab!

Well, I guess it's pretty obvious that I refuse to check it,

because I know whatever the results are... It really doesn't matter.

I won't be cheering like everyone else who's gonna fly off...

I'm chained on this God-damned land...

Mellow Diversion

2010-07-23T09:29:00.002+08:00

Currently too distracted to blog here.

Tumblr is waaay more interesting :D

Going crazy over all the interesting articles and pictures I saw...

Mine's here :D

Visit those site I've reblogged from.

It's so worth your time! ;)

Dream a Little Dream of Me

2010-07-22T16:58:00.001+08:00

By Zooey Deschanel

Is it Merely Masochism?

2010-07-19T18:38:00.004+08:00

I just realised how self-destructive I can be at times.
I want everything in life, but when I reach out for it,
I'll end up putting myself in a deeper shithole.

Like for instance...
Thinking that having a dog would take up my time,
so that I would miss the bf less...
Made me more miserable with unnecessary stress...
And I feel like I need him more now.
For sanity!

The puppy is stressing me out.
She's hyperactive and her biting drives me insane!
I would hate to admit this, but my parents were right.
Having a dog is not a great idea.
And well, my choice of the breed made it so much worse.
I saw a 7 weeks old Silky Terrier at the vet today.
Golly gee, she just sat quietly on her owners lap.
And she's soo darn tiny!
Unlike April, who's also 7 weeks old,
twice her size, and moves like a bullet train!
I feel like I'm about to pass out anytime....

And I'm such a horror in a relationship.
I'm the type who brings external stress, to the r'ship.
Like totally ruining the bf's effort of cheering me up,
when I was sooo upset about the whole doggie stress.
Sigh. I just can't help it.
Of course, that would be a perfect excuse for myself!

Stressing out easily + ruining every positive thing around = self destruction

As I always ask myself the infamous question...
Why the hell do I put myself through this?!

Well, at least now I know why.
Pfftt...

A Piece to Fill the Missing Puzzle

2010-07-16T22:11:00.004+08:00

*pants*
As you can see, I barely have the time to blog properly now.
Got a new member in the family...
One that pees and poops anywhere, and everywhere.
One that does not know how to wipe her own bum bum.
One that bites and drools!
But she's sooo adorable, I wanna squeeze her!

Meet April!

She's such a handful! I barely have time for myself right now.
Gotta keep an eye on it, just in case the house will be filled with AMMONIA!
Just managed to train it to pee and poo on newspaper,
but she just can't help stuffing her nose and feet in it...

Aside from all that she's such a sweetheart.
Am trying really hard not to give into her whining...
But I gotta say, it ain't easy, AT ALL.
The past few nights have not been easy.
Especially for my parents...
I feel bad, really. For obliging them into this mess.
But I really need this.
Takes my mind off things.
Missing people.
Missing someone.
Missing everything.

She will help patch up a hole,
soon to be dug open and left bare.
Oh I do hope she helps me through whatever comes in August.
And well, she'll have soooo much love,
by so many people in return...

I feel a sudden need of freedom xD
I would be lying if I said I don't feel a tad bit of regret.
But ah well, I hold full responsibility...

On another note,
I hope you would understand this,
please do not put me in a tough situation.
You know I have someone.
And I truly hope we can be friends,
without the air of awkwardness.
If I have led you on, I sincerely apologise.
For that wasn't my intention.
But I am pretty convinced, that I have mentioned many times,
that I am in a relationship.
I hope this doesn't come in way of our friendship.

Will You Free This Heart of Mine?

2010-07-12T13:58:00.004+08:00

I can't help but be mad at you.
Because it feels like you've already left.
Barely one and a half months remained.
It ain't gonna be easy,
no matter how you try to convince me otherwise.
I spaced out all my time, hoping to spend some with you.
And yes I know, family responsibilities...
I am surprised how tough some parents can be on their kids.
I am trying to be understanding.
But I am human. I am fragile.
I guess the separation needs some getting used to.
But I didn't expect it to be so soon...

I.need.a.dog.
Like, seriously!
That would solve all my problems.
It's a deal I made with my mom,
if I study locally, I GET A DOG.
Though I can't really do that, cause I live in an apartment.
But screw that! :D
Puppies can be trained.
It won't be easy, but it's possible.

Plus beagles are brilliant!
And shooooo adorable!
Look at him! How can you not want something so cute?
Ah, I'm in love.
I'll be heading to the pet shop, PRONTO!
Get my real life Snoopy :D