Here We Go Again...

Back from a hiatus! I know... It has been a while. Okay, nearly a month. But I've been busy. Barely had enough time for myself, what more blog about it. The boyfriend came back for three weeks. The previous, extremely distraught, post was because he broke his promise that we'll meet up for an important chat immediately when he comes back (due to unforeseen circumstances; his words). Let's just say I was so confused at that moment, I needed that conversation, face to face. Although we did get a chance to have a not-so-decent & tear-filled conversation through the darn phone, we managed to pull through. And I have to say, the past three weeks were blissful. Okay, perhaps not COMPLETELY, but close enough. I needed that so badly, and thankfully I got it. I think back about it now and wonder why I had those doubts. Perhaps the answer to that question will come pounding on my cerebral down the line since he has gone back to India and we are to resume the very torturous LDR. God, I HATE that term -.-

Back to square one.

Why did I get myself involved in this? Sigh... If you asked, is it worth it? Dead honestly, I don't know... He's great and all, but I haven't thought much of myself ever since I got into a relationship. I think it's really important to keep intact with what YOU want in life, before segregating it with what the OTHER half wants as well. That has been happening. And I kinda forgot how to put myself first. I find it tougher to be selfish than to be selfless nowadays. Is that love then? When you're with someone, and you choose to be completely selfless? Does that mean you're IN LOVE with that person? Gee... If it is, isn't it a tad bit morbid? To sacrifice your wants to get what you need. Bah, what do I know about what I WANT anyways. I've been facing an identity crisis for half my life, I NEVER know what I WANT. One minute I wanna be outrageous, the next minute I wish everything was planned out as clear as a freeway...

Maybe I'm bipolar? Or maybe I'm just crazy? I swear at one point when the boyfriend sorta asked me to stop thinking CRAZY, when we were arguing on the phone, I felt the blood in my cheeks flare up like a volcanic eruption was about to take place! I yelled, "Stop talking like as though I'm crazy. I'M NOT CRAZY!" So I was angry at first, then I thought... Maybe he's right. I am fucking crazy. A simple girl wouldn't think about all these insane stuff that could potentially drown the relationship. A simple girl would be fucking contented with everything she has, and trust me it's a lot a girl can WANT. A simple girl would be happy. Period.

But I guess I'm NOT a simple girl after all. Never been, and never will be. Being simple is a gift. Having a boxed-mind like em' ignorant guys is a gift. IGNORANCE IS A FUCKING GIFT. What one does not need is a voice in his/her head that keeps talking and talking and talking and TALKING! You can never make that voice shut up, the only way is to drown that voice with screams of your own. That's when arguments will keep flowing through. And you need to hope with all your might that the other person will stand by your side strongly...

That's what he did. I gotta give him credit for not giving up. I would break up with me. Maaaaan, if I was a dude, I wouldn't date me. Too much mental work. I exhaust myself. It bewilders me how a simple guy like him can manage a psycho bitch like me. The only complains I ever had from him, regarding all of this, is "You're too fucking complicated..." Of course he did once asked me to "stop torturing me emotionally like this..." We BOTH exhausted each other out. Oh boy, I wish I could say that happened physically :p but no, mentally & emotionally exhausting...!

Sometimes I wonder if I would be better alone, at this point in my life. Save him the trouble. Save myself from all the torturous thoughts. Save us from such a wreck. But I guess both of us rather go through all that than being alone. Am not sure if that's a good thing... Which is why reading "Eat, Pray, Love" scares me. It makes me ponder more about our relationship. I guess that's why I kinda stopped halfway :/ Problem is, I'm David and he's Liz. He needs me to be there 100% emotionally. But the more he needs it, the more I feel like scurrying away. I'm not sure what's wrong with me. A friend once asked, "Is it the fact that you're NOT THAT INTO HIM?" I can gladly answer, NO. I am into him. Although I still think we're not COMPLETELY compatible. But yes, I am into him. But the relationship as a whole scares me... There's only so much of myself that I can give. Because I fear that I'm losing myself as I dive deeper and deeper into the relationship...

Anyhooooooo... I had NO thoughts whatsoever, on these throughout the three weeks we spent together. We promised to take things slowly, with less pressure & just enjoy each other's company. Or at least that's what he promised me. To give me the liberty to find my pace in this relationship. I am not ready for the commitment. That does not mean I wish to pounce around, dating some random guys. Neither does it mean I want a couple of flings before settling down with a serious relationship. It simply means I am not ready to give my full self & commit EVERYTHING to ONE person. I'm just not ready. It's too scary for me. I need to FIND myself first. Find out who I truly am. What I really want in life. And what kinda person I wish to be. To DEFINE myself. I'm in progress. So far, I like what I've seen. I might not enjoy it (the whole emotional wreck part), but I'm glad of who I am. God created me this way, so I don't see any other way to live it.

Which is why I think... He's a keeper. He's been there, through thick and thin. He's been patient. Albeit the lack of security I've given him, he's still here. Without a doubt I know, he's always there. I mean, come on, if a guy can stick around, through your crazy moments, he's a keeper. I just hope things won't fall back to those wrecked up days when I feel like we're not meant to be. Because those 3 weeks felt so right, I wish it would stay that way. That's why LDR is so darn hard! It shadows things. It shadows feelings. And the worst part, it shadows memories. His return was so important to ignite those memories we had before he left. The great times we spent together. I almost forgot how much fun we used to have. All the silly, random & spontaneous things we would do. We took a day trip up to Genting just for fun the other day. It reminded me why I decided to plunge into this relationship in the first place. We enjoy each other's company...

Ah I hope this will last for the next 5 months... God, I'm fucking terrified! *fingers crossed* We're taking a dive from a 50 feet cliff. Let the journey be as exhilarating as EVER! (: