Nuffnang
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Empty Caresses In Darkness
Just when I thought I'm lost & all alone, people amaze me.
I've been burrying myself in work, hoping to cut off...
Except occasional meet ups, just so that I'm not completely outta it.
I'm glad those little moments, amazed me.
I'm glad to know that no matter how some may seem busy with their lives,
I can always buzz em up whenever...
And I'm super glad I've finally found someone who's in a similar situation as I am.
We're never alone. We just gotta find someone to relate to.
Then, help each other out...
And I'm glad I always have You.
You'll never forsake me.
You're always there.
Through thick and thin,
I can always turn around,
to find you there...
With hands stretched out wide,
so I could fall in your arms.
Through tough times...
Self-induced or not...
You need people to constantly remind you...
You're not alone.
Friday, March 04, 2011
Beating of Four Chambers
so what's the worst feeling you felt in the world?
i just found mine.
ever felt a heartache so bad you can't even breathe?
like the four chamber walls just constricted,
like it's gonna choke you out of your life.
that pang of pain in your chest...
the more you try to fight back the tears,
the harder it gets for the pain to go away.
and when you do finally release those tears,
you find that you can't breathe from all the sobbing.
your hands clench the side of your mattress,
or jabbing em into your pillow,
barricading the sound from flooding the silent night.
this goes on for the next few mins, that feels like forever.
and when it comes to a sudden stop....
you recollect yourself, wipe your tears dry,
clear your nasal area, and take a long deep breath.
you come out feeling like a trainwreck,
and you ask yourself... "WHAT THE HELL JUST HAPPENED?"
i fear each day that passes by...
because as each day pass by we're getting more distant.
when that huge hurdle comes up again...
it's week one, and it seems like it's heading that way again.
but this time it's different... because i don't doubt how i feel...
at least not as much as before.
have you ever had someone, but somehow feel like you never did?
or that it's not gonna be for long, somehow?
i don't know why i'm feeling that way.
and this new found fear that it's gonna be a struggle again,
kills me... it really really kills me...
i fucking hate LDR.
i might answer with a smile, or a light cynical laughter,
when people ask me, "how is the LDR maaan?"
"yeah it's tough. but we manage. somehow."
when i just wanna scream out loud...
IT FUCKING STINKS.
and i still don't believe in it.
i'm all on board volunteerily for the relationship...
but this whole long distance bullshit... sigh.
that's just like icing made out of poop,
on a scrumptious chocolate cake.
i hope you know how much you mean to me,
till i'm willing to put up with all of this.
because i know for sure...
i don't wanna lose you.
i really don't.
i just found mine.
ever felt a heartache so bad you can't even breathe?
like the four chamber walls just constricted,
like it's gonna choke you out of your life.
that pang of pain in your chest...
the more you try to fight back the tears,
the harder it gets for the pain to go away.
and when you do finally release those tears,
you find that you can't breathe from all the sobbing.
your hands clench the side of your mattress,
or jabbing em into your pillow,
barricading the sound from flooding the silent night.
this goes on for the next few mins, that feels like forever.
and when it comes to a sudden stop....
you recollect yourself, wipe your tears dry,
clear your nasal area, and take a long deep breath.
you come out feeling like a trainwreck,
and you ask yourself... "WHAT THE HELL JUST HAPPENED?"
i fear each day that passes by...
because as each day pass by we're getting more distant.
when that huge hurdle comes up again...
it's week one, and it seems like it's heading that way again.
but this time it's different... because i don't doubt how i feel...
at least not as much as before.
have you ever had someone, but somehow feel like you never did?
or that it's not gonna be for long, somehow?
i don't know why i'm feeling that way.
and this new found fear that it's gonna be a struggle again,
kills me... it really really kills me...
i fucking hate LDR.
i might answer with a smile, or a light cynical laughter,
when people ask me, "how is the LDR maaan?"
"yeah it's tough. but we manage. somehow."
when i just wanna scream out loud...
IT FUCKING STINKS.
and i still don't believe in it.
i'm all on board volunteerily for the relationship...
but this whole long distance bullshit... sigh.
that's just like icing made out of poop,
on a scrumptious chocolate cake.
i hope you know how much you mean to me,
till i'm willing to put up with all of this.
because i know for sure...
i don't wanna lose you.
i really don't.
Wednesday, March 02, 2011
Changes Bring New Possibilities
Been having exhausting days. It's never a good idea to study last min... Like no one knows that already -.- But I've been LAZY. Kinda tired of studying. Prolly wasn't the smartest idea to take up a professional course that's 100% focused on examination. I miss having projects and activities. Missing ALSCO particularly. Sometimes I unconsciously ask myself if I've got any event tasks undone, or any musical rehearsals to attend. Then I realise, that's all over. It broke my heart when I found out Kingsley is putting musical on hold. Was really hoping to rejoin the group, miss it soooo dearly. But oh well, I guess this is part of moving on, and exploring new things. Am waiting for my first Leader's meeting. Oh, did I mention, I made the cut? Got invited on the team right after the interview, which has NEVER happened to me. And I have been through a good number of interviews, it's a good feeling. Am really waiting to be out there again. It's been a loooooong while since I've organised something, and I can't wait to get down to it. I just wish my peers are as enthusiastic as I am. Whenever I ask if they would like to join this, this and this, they would be like "Er... No, no and NO." Perhaps I'm a tad bit too enthusiastic. But oh well, that's the fun of it (:
Social life has been slowing down. After the boyfriend returned to India, I realised how exhausted I was. Been working so hard for the past 3 weeks to meet up with him as often as possible, and meet up with the few who were leaving to NZ, Aus & Singapore. I actually missed meeting Nick Liang before he left, which I felt sooooo bad! So, it's been tiring. Both physically & mentally. Physically: trying to find time & plan something which suits both parties; Emotionally: to say goodbye and not meeting again for a long while. Plus, going out with people makes me broke. I'm not the thriftiest person on Earth, to say the least. Let's just say if there's a juicy piece of steak on the menu staring right back at me and it's no more than 50 bucks, I'll nab it. I'm a sucker for luxurious food. I rather spend big bucks on food than anything else. That attitude eats up on me by the middle of the month and I'll realise "oh fuck, I'm running beyond low..." So yeah... You need money to have a great social life, thus it disappears with your money xD
But I managed to find a job. Well, actually my mom found me a job. Nothing confirmed yet, but if it actually works out, I can finally save up to travel. I have Singapore, Krabi & Kota Kinabalu on my list. Already mentally planning out to travel to S'pore with Bel love in July. And hoping hoping DESPERATELY hoping to climb Mount Kinabalu. Yes, I know... That's a lil too ambitious. But I can't help it. I might die tomorrow... And one of my regrets will be not having the chance to climb that friggin mountain. So yes, it HAS TO BE DONE! Krabi has been on the list for ages. Planned with Bryan & Davy a couple of times, but never seem to work. Why? LACK OF CASH THAT'S WHY? No, I don't think asking from parents would be a very good idea... So there you go, my ambitious plans for 2011. Fingers crossed!
I better start studying for tomorrow's paper. The toughest of the lot... Seems like no proper sleep AGAIN tonight!
toodles
Tuesday, March 01, 2011
Escape You
why do i feel the need to escape you?
perhaps i can't keep up...
or perhaps i need a break...
or maybe, just maybe, you make me feel like i'm not good enough...
purely because i just can't keep up...
just like what she said...
you're too intense.
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