Self Reflection

James Morrison - Broken Strings

Bar Celona sucks stinkin' ass.
Bad music. Bad atmosphere. Bad crowd.
Never are we going back there again.
Our eating session after that was ten times better.
Had a nice chat with Bel, Farah and her boyfriend.
Hilarious people.
We were quite tipsy and all, so there was a lot of crapping.
Hopefully Vincent would keep it shut :/
And we were almost attacked by a gigantohumongous rat at A&W.
The way Bel jumped on the chair was funny shit xD
Sorry, Bel, but it was :D

It's Easter Sunday.
And I'm burdened with self reflection.
This is exactly why I try so hard to avoid attending service.
But since I'm grounded and really need to get outta the house
and it's Easter Sunday, I decided to give in.

Yesh. I'm grounded because I came home late on a college morning and only had 3 hours of sleep.
Daddydearest still thinks I'm a little schooling girl.
Well, I ain't gonna complain.
I need a leash to keep me home. Need to set my priorities straight.
Been straying away from work for the past months.
So I'll just suck it up for now.
By the way, sorry guys, for being such a cranky bitch that day.
My head was pounding like crazy...

So anyway... back to Easter Sunday.
Sigh. Millions of questions are flooding in my head.
Where art thou my religious self?
I used to be so devoted and faithful.
Now I'm cynical and filled with denial.
I've tried to open the doors of my heart and return my Father.
Pride has been a huge obstacle.
Denial has been a bigger one.
I miss those times when I didn't have to question the words they preached.
I've been driven away by fear and doubts.
And now am drifting away in the sea.
Feeling lost and out of place.
Neither here nor there.
So I'm self reflecting.
Asking myself. Have my dear Father abandoned me?
Would He still open his arms wide to receive me once again?
And even if He did. Would my stubborn heart reach out to him?
As I sit in shadows of the crowd, feeling out of place.
Feeling like a hypocrite. Like I do not belong.
I know that He would always wait on me.
But I keep asking myself, why don't I just go home???

Lately, people have been asking me about my beliefs.
For which I would answer : I've not been very religious lately.
I'm beginning to think that He's trying to reach out for me.
But I just don't feel like reaching back.
I don't know why.
I have friends asking me to join their cell, talk to the pastors, join youth...
But it's not helping. I have this fear of being judged in a religious point of view.
I have a Bible on my bed stand, but somehow it seems so heavy to even lift.
I would glance at it occasionally, followed by a sleepless night.
Why can't I just pick it up??

I'm having a spiritual battle here.
I don't know who to turn to.
I can't turn to a pastor.
Don't know a suitable friend who would know what to say.
Can't turn to my mom either.
I'm lost.

Why did I go for Easter Sunday?

When I love you,
It's so untrue
I can't even convince myself
When I'm speaking,
It's the voice of someone else

You can't play on broken strings
You can't feel anything that your heart don't want to feel
I can't tell something that ain't real