Old Wounds Resurface

He's back.

And I'm freaking out.

I thought you'll be gone, for good.

Or even if you're back,

thought you would be smart enough to keep it low...

For both our sakes.

Unsure & rather reluctant to meet you.

Because I know it'll head down that road once again...

And why did you have to come back now?

Of all times, when I'm most vulnerable.

Feels like life's shitting on me, like seriously!

I wish I could pack you in a box,

and ship you back to the mountains of Switzerland.

And pray real hard, you'll never come back.

I wanna disappear from your sight.

But that would make me a coward,

and that would just prove that I'm not over you.

Maybe I am not.

But what matters most, is I WANT to be over you.

And I'll strive my hardest to achieve that...

Because I am happy now.

I found my better half...

And I'm not willing to fall to pieces again.

Not now, and NOT for you.

Maybe I'm thinking too much...

Maybe he's not back for that reason...

And maybe he just wants peace...

But as I hear the whisper of his name,

my wound throbs with discomfort.

And I'm spun back in time.

Back when times were dark and twisted.

Times when I've done things I'm not proud of.

And the worst part is, it was all for him.

I'm freaking out, and I wanna escape.

How do you erase a memory that has been haunting you for years?

One that you've tried so hard to hide beneath the covers?

It resurfaces in a blink of an eye.

I'm in such good progress, and you have to ruin it...

I shouldn't meet you.

I really shouldn't.

But somehow I know, that's inevitable.

As you always have been....

INEVITABLE.

TY, I really need you now...
But how do I tell you,
I'm haunted by the past,
that I said I've forgotten...?
& you're so far away...

Feeling Alien

A new beginning. Well... Sort of. Same place, same environment, almost similar routine... But it feels so foreign. Going back to Sunway is making me very VERY "homesick". I miss the familiar faces I've spent time with from 8.30am to 4.30pm every single day. And for the final 2 months, we spent time till 9.30pm. I miss all that. I miss everyone from A Levels! Occasionally I see others in their image. I would label them in my head, as look-a-likes. I keep thinking I've bumped into them, then realised it's not them!

Most of all, I keep seeing guys who look like the BF. On Tuesday I saw someone who carries his sling bag the exact way the BF those. Slightly tilted to the side. And it was an almost similar leather bag. Today, I saw someone with his hairstyle coming out from the elevator, with similar glasses! I jolted. Bet the guy thought I was checking him out xD And I heard someone speaking in the hallway, just like the way he would. But it wasn't him. God, I miss him so much. It has only been four days! I can't imagine how I can ever go through with the next 5 months! Is it ever gonna get ANY easier? I really do hope so...!

He manged to get a SIM card there... Been calling me every night since. Would only cost about RM6 per hour. Well, he thinks it's pretty cheap. So I have no complaints... Actually, I do... We're 2 and a half hours ahead of India. And he can only call at night. Which means I'll be more sleep deprived by the end of these 2 years! Kinda xD And, the idle time between is kinda annoying. It takes about a second or two for the wave to transmit. So sometimes our speech clashes. Or I'll have to wait a while for his respond to my cynical remarks. He takes long enough already without that problem :p But I guess I should be thankful that he doesn't mind spending the money to chat with me. However... I've been feeling groggy all day because I slept late. And my dog had to dig me up at 7 for an early walk! PFFFTT...! He has yet to sign up for an internet connection -.- which is killing me! Coz it would be so much easier to chat on Skype, with the webcam. But noooo... He's taking his SWEET time with it :x

Note : Day 4 of LDR and Stephay is already ranting her head off!

Prediction : Therapy needed by the end of September...

Putting that aside... I started uni on Tuesday. I have an extremely quiet class! Like, pin drop silence :/ It got better today... Spoke to some of them. But I'm tired of initiating an introduction... No one bothered to introduce themselves to me. And I'm starting to come off as obnoxious (I think...) because I'm talking too much? IDK. It's just aggravating! Mom says, "Give it some time... They're still adjusting to the new environment; observing around. Whereas you are already familiar with all that..." I really hope she's right. If this lasts for 2 years and a half, I might actually forget how to socialize! Okay, I might have exaggerated on that :p I think the A Levels people have left behind a high expectation. I guess deep down inside, I was hoping to find similar people to patch up the missing people. But I've come to realise, it'll never be possible. No one can ever replace them. They were all such unique individuals. I wish A Levels could have been prolonged. The people made studying so much easier. Now that it has ended, a hole was left behind.

Nevertheless, I'm gonna treasure the good memories! There were countless good & bad times. All worth reminiscing everyday :) I've gotta make the best outta what I have now. Hopefully my classmates will open up more, soon. Cause I'm starting to feel rather lonely in class. The student council and society fair hasn't opened up yet. Probably next year... Which is waaaay too long! I need to keep myself socially busy, or my uni life would be DULL! And it'll be pathetic to have a better college life than uni life lol.

Reminder : PATIENCE IS A VIRTUE! PATIENCE IS A VIRTUE! PATIENCE IS A FUCKING VIRTUE!

toodles :D

Choked Up Windpipe

I've been avoiding the net all day.

Even if I do come on, I do a quickie,

then scramble to go on a Gossip Girl marathon...

Which is getting a little boring...

After watching 6 seasons of Sex and the City and both the movies,

any other scandalous shows seem juvenile!

Anyway, I'm pretty freaked out about tomorrow...

No idea how's the day gonna be,

cause there wasn't much information provided.

Orientation :/

I feel like a hypocrite...

I've been advising those who were going through this,

yet when I'm in the situation, I'm freezing...

Talk about "practice what you preach" :s

Above all, I feel like my emotions are bottled up in my throat...

It's been pretty difficult to breathe since I left his house this afternoon.

Drove home from his place, feeling lost and alone.

Was about to burst into tears, but I was too caught up trying to find my way home...

THANK GOD!

And now I'm constantly feeling the urge...

But I'm terrified.

Because, if the waterworks start...

It may never stop. Or at least, not till my tear ducts malfunction.

We didn't get a proper goodbye.

At least not the one I expected.

So I guess it was sadness and disappointment, piled up.

And the fact that I was so flustered about the directions home,

made it difficult as well...

But as I got home, I realised...

I unconsciously avoided a proper goodbye.

He's probably still in transit...

Haven't heard from him yet.

This feels like the whole Korea episode again xD

I was actually waiting for my phone to ring...

To hear Jay Z start rapping at the start of "Empire State of Mind".

We both have the same ring tone :)

Then I realised, he's not gonna call tonight.

I'm not gonna be able to share about how freaked out I am...

Ah... I can't bring myself to finish this post...

Not with the stupid tears trickling down my cheeks.

God, I'm starting to sound needy! BLEH!

I better not wake up with puffy eyes tomorrow...! :s

Which is why I'm just gonna end this here...

I miss you... already...

Of Parents and Little Offsprings

So after speaking to the boyfriend last night, about his unreasonable parents, it got me wondering... Why do adults have kids? The obvious reason is to bring down the bloodline, and to have an heir. Some would really want kids. They claim having kids would just "complete" their lives. Like it's a cycle of things to do once you hit a certain age. To some, this might be the inevitable, since having kids is the consequence of having sex. Though they are many contraceptives out there, but I don't think people really take it, not in this country at least. Some just really love the idea of having kids. But I don't think they realise that these kids would one day transition to adulthood. Some parents would treat their children like kids, even late into their 20s. Some would think they're always right, above all debates. And some would be in level with the young, just for the sake of understanding something that's totally out of their control. Some would despise the fact of their children having leisure time, because leisure doesn't make sense anymore. Some would push their children to the brink of rebellion. Some would expect too much, to an extent where it would seem ridiculous! Some would unconsciously neglect their children, due to their pursue of success and fortune.

So, I asked my mom, would parents ever realise that they have neglected their children? Her answer was rather profound, to me. She said, "No parents would realise they neglected their children. They provide the kids with food, clothes, education and a roof above their heads... Why should the children feel neglected."

So I said, "Sometimes those necessities are not important to us. It's love, compassion and attention that we are seeking out for..."

She sat in silence, trying to take it all in.

Are parents so caught up with their career in this materialistic century? Do they really think riches would make their children happy? As in, really happy deep down inside...?

Many would think rich kids are the ones who live life to the fullest. True, they enjoy the best of the best. They get the best education, the best clothes, the luxurious vacation, the best EXPERIENCE of a lifetime... But I know of many who are drowning in this sea of "love", when they are famished of their parents real love...

I am eternally grateful that I have parents who shower me with enough of love and attention. Although we hardly get to enjoy the riches of life, that's the trade I'm willing to make :) Nevertheless, there are ugly times as well. That makes me question why do adults have kids, like seriously... Like the fact that my parents are over-protective. Getting out of the house feels like a 10k marathon to the opening gate. And when I get there, I'm filled with guilt. And thus, makes me change my mind at the very last minute. So, I am convinced that parents are geniuses when it comes to 'reverse psychology', because it ALWAYS work! I once brought it up that by the time I hit 21years of age, I would move outta the house. That almost gave my parents a heart attack! For Western parents, their kids would leave home when they go to college. But for Asian parents, they would expect their kids to live when them till the wedding bells ring! I don't think I can do that. What if I never get married? Or don't intend to? One thing that they'll never understand either : I don't really believe in marriage. And there are times when they think I'm a total slob, because I really have nothing to do. Well, I admit that I can help around the house a little more than I do, but sometimes everything is done. And sometimes, it seriously did not occur to me that I had to "pick that up". Another thing is, my mother would never understand my needs for freewill. My hopes and desires. My dreams of having a career that I would love, because I swore that I would never wanna end up as someone who hates her job. Because it doesn't make sense to her. It's true that not many adults would end up doing something they love. But there is no harm is hoping. And that doesn't make sense to her either.

I guess we can't get everything in life. And by the end of the day, we're all humans. We are of different generations, with different point of views. And this would never change in a million years. It's just the circle of life. Parents have gone through childhood. But somewhere along the way, they forget. They forget how they wished their parents would come home from work. They forget how they long for gifts from their parents, no matter how tiny. They forget that they were once kids who are going through the exact same thing as we are... And even if they do remember, they would think... 'That's the way it should be'. I have gone through that, so will my children. Maybe down the road, in 20years or less, I will be my parents. I will be doing the exact same thing. I will be worrying my ass off. I will be nagging till the roof blows off. I will be locking all doors with stainless steel padlocks. I will be pushing my children to study hard and be a good person. And I will forget that I was once a child, who wanted nothing more than freedom from my parents.

And to think that one day, my kids will feel the same way as I feel towards my parents, scares me to hell... Makes me wonder if I'll ever want to have kids...

Hey, who knows? Who would really really know... Right?

Parenthood; a stage in life that I will never fully understand, at least not yet.

How Far Is Too Far?

Watched 'Going the Distance' with the bf today...
A really funny movie with lots of memorable punchlines.
And very insightful as well, for us.

Quote : "We can't keep seeing each other every 3 months, that's not a relationship..."

Which is quite true unfortunately. It gets really hard, especially when we've been spending every weekday together for the past year and a half. It would feel very odd when he's not around. Indeed missing my other half... Will I ever feel whole again?

Who's gonna wait for me to arrive at the car park?
Who's gonna have McD's breakfast with me?
Who's gonna enjoy Japanese food as much as I do?
Who's gonna call me till' wee hours in the morning?
Who am I gonna pinch to wake him up from falling asleep?
Whose shoulders am I gonna lean on?
Whose arms are gonna wrap around me when I'm freezing?
Who's gonna offer a hand when I'm on the verge of tripping off the stairs?

(happens often enough :/)

Most of all, who's gonna give me that warm and loving hug that I adore so much?

If we've just met, and decided to make this exclusive, it might be easier. That's because we're not in that deep yet. And being apart is part of knowing each other, at a safe distance. Now that we are in so deep, and we're so used to having each other around, it's gonna be tough as hell. I do hope the distance will only make our hearts grow fonder, rather than pushing us apart.

The bf kept repeating "Fuck the distance!" (from the movie), as an effort to convince me that everything will be okay. But I can't help but feel doubtful and wary. I've become so dependent on him, I think it's gonna feel like I lost an arm! Or an organ! :s (worst case scenario)

He's leaving in a week, exactly! Next Sunday. Hmm... I hope my tear ducts are clogged. Cause I would really feel silly to shed some tears, then again, it would be cold if I didn't. Well, it's outta my hands anyway. Six friggin months! How the hell am I gonna get through this?

I think I would die if Skype didn't exist.

Like literally...

7 days exactly

but only 2 nights and one more day to spend time with him...

and counting DOWN...

omaigod you just don't get it -.-

i'm outta words *shoots self*

from defense to offense

and it's all about "me me me me MYSELF and I"

when some things can't be said directly,

the indirect approach is attempted

but what good does it do when one can't read between the lines

coz you just don't get it

i'mma shut one full eye, and try my hardest not to peek

starting now

i don't wanna see those accusations no more

this is the last

In Spite of All That

So I just realised how I've replaced my "essay" style of writing with lots of photos lately... Felt a little constrained of opinions ever since the recent incident. And I've had the urge to blog several times before this, but somehow as I click 'new post' and dig my thoughts, the urge fades away. And as I'm typing now, that sense of reluctance is resurfacing...

Can't wait to start uni. The amount of free time I have right now is pushing me towards, what they would call, an "unhealthy lifestyle". Been drinking too much beer. Ugh, if only beer is made without the revolting gas... And the effect becomes less and less prominent. Need a large amount to get that numb kick that drove me to drink in the first place. Nevertheless I enjoyed the past two nights out with the bunch.

Wednesday - Victoria Station then G6 @ Gardens, Mid Valley

G6 is a great place to hangout at. The band is terrific. One of them could actually channel Shaggy's voice. AMAZING! And they sang club-mix songs that I never thought possible without digitizing xD

Thursday - Pantai Seafood then Beer Factory @ Sunway Giza

Don't quite fancy Beer Factory... Partly cause we didn't get a good place to sit. But mainly, the music sucks. They played Justin Bieber and Taylor Swift! Not the kinda genre you wanna hear when you're sipping on beer, I would say... But there's Movida nearby, that looks much better...

The reason why I had quite a blast ain't exactly right, I think I better not mention. But then it made me realise why I was rather unhappy before this. It sucks to know that I'm not a priority. It hurts, even when I'm unconscious or when I just wanna shove that thought towards the dark alley at the back of your mind. So it's nice to know that my presence matters, for a change. Though some friends may not be as close, but does it really matter when I'm having such a great time? In fact, the close ones bring more pain sometimes... So I guess I gotta NOT try so hard to get too close with a friend, and expect the same in return. Because sometimes it just doesn't work that way... And when it matters too much, it can be rather unbearable...

Quote : Just close an eye, and things will be less complicated

I should definitely practice that...

The bf would constantly remind me that meeting a friend whom you can totally count on and you can totally be yourself with, is like finding your true love. It's a gem, rare and you gotta be at the right place at the right place. Some would say, you make it your true love...

Quote : We fight for the chosen ones and make them the right ones.

But it doesn't quite work that way, at least for me it doesn't.... The more I try to make it right, the deeper it gets, as it heads towards the inevitable. I'm gonna have to start afresh come the following Monday. I'm gonna meet new people, fresh faces and hopefully a higher probability of finding that darn gem xD But I gotta say, I am afraid. It's new. And well, I do feel freaked out. I always had friends when I moved from primary school to secondary school, and from secondary school to college. In fact I met sooo many old friends in college, I was overwhelmed. But now that I'm gonna start off at a place where I do not have a familiar face to cower behind... Boy, would that be a challenge...!

Nevertheless I gotta say that I'm glad that some of you stuck by albeit the inevitable drama, Jean and Mun Wai in particular. I'm afraid I can't guarantee that whatever happened would be our last. Cause we're down that road where it's our occasional routine? Haha. Let's just hope that's the worst that could happen :)

So this would be sorta like a 'New Year's Resolution'... I'll make an early one :D

To take things lightly.

To not dwell in the unnecessary.

To have an open mind.

To expect nothing.

To just have fun without getting too personal.

Okay, that's FIVE early resolutions xD

Cheers to a fresh new start for everyone else as well. May our uni life be a blast!

When It All Seems Bitter, You Bake :)

I just remembered I was supposed to post pictures of the Oreo Cheesecake that I made a couple of days ago :D

Used more butter and made it finer in texture. Looks better than before. But it still won't friggin stick. I still can't find out why, maybe I shouldn't freeze it at first, might have made it too brittle...

Tried a little bit of Oreo cookies. Didn't want the chocolate to overpower the cheese. Turns out, not enough Oreo. The cheese overpowered the Oreo by 10 folds...

Mix mix mix... Loooking icky :/ I used hand this time around. In fact, it's a lot smoother than what I can get outta the electric mixer.

Doesn't look very appealing eh?

Viola! Thicker crust and more more more cheeeeeseeee :D

I'm glad it tasted pretty alright. Just the crust that drove me crazy. Brown buggers just won't stick! :p I have to make two more for this coming Friday. Mom wants to bring one to cell, and I'm making another as a present for the Boyfriend's mom's birthday. They have a strictly no present rule xD

A random pop up by Little Miss April here :D She's such a rascal. Nipping and chewing on everything, including my skin. I really wish that she could stop growing! Like, RIGHT NOW!

She used to be able to snuggle on my lap like that when she was barely 2 months old. Now whenever she climbs on, I feel like she's about to gnaw my legs off. And she gets all grouchy that she can't stay on, without her heavy butt sliding off xD So now she drags her favorite toy, Patrick, and sleeps on it at a dark and cosy corner, with a pout on her face xD

Here's her infamous puppy pout. An Oscar winning performance, cause she always win some food in the end. So deceiving!

Anyhooo... I can't wait for uni to start. Been bumming waaaay too much. And too much time to be self-destructive. But in order to get to the days of uni, I have to go through with sorrowful goodbyes. And I'm dreading them. Dilemma dilemma...

Well, I guess it's inevitable. So, for now I gotta prep up for it. Maybe I should get a surgery done, to remove my tear glands. Cause, boy aren't they a hassle at times like these :p

X Marked the Lips

I've been up pretty late last night, wondering... Since when has the internet become a medium of silent rants (at each other)? Ya know, blogs, Facebook statuses, Twitter, MySpace, Tumblr... YOU NAME IT! Well, I have fallen as a culprit for that. But I thought I was just lashing it out on words, rather than at that person. And my posts act as reminders to me about how silly my previous thoughts were. Often enough, I look back and snigger at my silly thoughts. Like the previous posts, which I've already resolved and found out that I was overthinkin things cynically. I did hurdle through first, of course. Hardly a few hours after I've published the post, I've got calls and messages asking if it were them. I never really thought people still read my posts since it seems pretty dead and my tagboard's the prove of it. So, I logged on to my Nuffnang account to "double check" my consciousness and true enough, I still get many readers daily (unsure if it's from my circle of friends, but that seems to be the case eh?) Little did I realise people feel attacked by what I said, and in return attack me with confrontations and guilt. Which was uneasy at first, but it worked its charm. Even the unintended ones felt taken aback. After a slight clearout, some just plainly said "okay, glad it's not me," or " you should take a chill pill, seriously..." and of course other/s just took it waaay too personally.

I don't really feel like talking about it, in the heat of the situation, or when I'm feeling most bummed out about it. Hey, that's the whole point of it being published here in the first place isn't it? I'm not the type who would verbally rant out about things. I feel vulnerable doing that. And because I don't wanna seem stupid, cause most of the time, they're silly thoughts! I need time to think through, not to say anything else that would come off as airheaded, and mostly for the heat to cool off. Waiting for the right time. I guess some understand and some don't. I'm flawed in that way. And I'm glad that whoever the post was intended for, understood too. Unfortunately, I sparked something else instead. Which actually raged me to rant more, but ah heck. I've done enough damage from all the rantings before, it would just make things worse.

But there's one thing I gotta say : Ask yourself why did you think the post was directed right at you. There must have been something you have done to have made you feel that way. Or you'll just know for sure it isn't you. And to turn it around and say I'm the one with the problem...?

There is so much I wanna say in my defence. But I've learned that it would all mean nothing if other/s don't wanna hear about it. And they're so darn sure your plea is bullshit. The least you could do was wait for me to clear things out when I've stepped out of this messy pig-sty myself... But I guess the damage is done. And I'm finding it so hard to breathe in all these childish acts of diva-ness. I have really heart-breaking goodbyes, uni decisions, financial planning and whatnots to deal with already. The last thing I need is another drama (one thing that our female race can NEVER escape!) to add on to it.

I would wanna state out loud that I'll stop ranting, cause that's the root of the problems, but it'll be like losing my freedom of speech. I was gonna privatise this blog, but Munboy has (persistently) asked me not to. And well, I don't really see the point of a privatised blog... However, I'll practise some self-control. Although I can see that I'll be drowning in my own thoughts instead :/ For better or worse isn't it?

Because I see that it's heading towards FULL destruction, and it's scaring the living shyt outta me!

Is There A Rehab For This?

Made Oreo Cheesecake :D

I couldn't help myself.

Had a lot of Philadelphia Cream Cheese left.

Bought a row of Oreo Cookies.

Then went ahead with it.

Shall post the pictures tomorrow.

Feeling too lazy right now.

I blame the friggin heat!

It's like an oven here :/

Right now... I don't really (wanna) care anymore.

I'm too tired for that, really.

Maybe that something we thought was there...

Never was in the first place?

Where Cheese & Digestives Meet

Went on a baking spree again yesterday. Well, sort of... :D

Made No Bake Lemon Cheesecake first!
There are two kinds : one made with gelatin & condensed milk, the other made with wipping cream. I made the latter.

Digestive biscuits. Tastes good on its own too. Kinda sweet without addition of sugar.

Crushing them into fine granulated texture is the hardest part, for me... Took me a full 15 mins. And there were crumbs all over the place :/

After mixing with butter, it's time to layer up! I used a casserole dish because I didn't have a springform pan. And I think the crumbs were not fine enough...

Used my measuring cup to press it firmly. This is very important. Because if it's not firm enough, it'll end up like a cheese crumble. And must add sufficient butter to hold the crumbs together. Since it's non baked, the butter will not melt completely to fulfill that part. At least, that's what I think...

Refrigerate or freeze (which is better) while preparing the cream cheese topping :)

I used Philadelphia cream cheese, which is sooo tasty on its own. The aroma of cheese is fantastic. Gonna look for non dessert recipes to make outta cream cheese :D

Beat the cream cheese (I used an electric mixer, lazy me) until it's smooth. Then fold in whipping cream, for smooTHER texture. Oh! And don't forget some lemon juice!

It looks the same before and after refridgerating. I placed it in the freezer for an hour, before bringing it down to the lower rack. Tried it about an hour later, the crumbs still didn't stick well. But it was pretty alright the next morning.

So I'm guessing, if you wanna serve it, say later in the day. Place it in the freezer. Or leaving it in the fridge overnight will be just fine. But the crust will be way better if I used more butter and crushed finer...

Later that night, I made Banana Cake for Daddydearest.

Mom helped with the banana puree. Some would suggest to use banana essence, I think the cake will last longer since banana will spoil pretty fast. But I think au naturale is what's best :D Not forgetting some lemon juice again :) It's a miracle water.

Mixed lots of butter with eggs, vanilla essence, then finally, self-raising flour. I think self-raising flour can be replaced with all purpose flour and some baking powder, but I don't know how's the conversion like. The self-raising flour gave the cake some "bread" texture. A little spongy. Should have used that for cupcakes!

Bake for a full hour! But I removed it in 50mins. The top layer was starting to get burnt...

My little bro ran towards me in a panic, "Che, your cake is done! It's tearing apart!!!" LOL

Viola! Just like the ones you can buy from the bakery store. But those are too sweet for my mom's liking. Though my mom still found this sweet. I cut the sugar stated in the recipe by HALF! Any less sweeter would make em taste like sick food :p

Ah well... I'm done for now...
Next up : Pound Cake, Cream Puffs, Chocolate Eclairs aaaannnnddddd.... TIRAMISU!
I think the last one would be really tough. Would save the toughest (and best) for last!

Crash and (NOT) Burn

The past few days has made me dig out my aged and dusty songbook. Been scribbling again. Throwing it all out on paper. Another shot at a self-therapy method. I should sharpen my guitar skills, and MAYBE start recording some nonsense. Hah. Well, just a thought...

Very much inspired by Colbie Caillat...

Kinda in tune with this particular piece...

Begin Again by Colbie Caillat
Written by Colbie Caillat
Album: Break Through
Track: 2

Lyrics :

i can't get you out of the sunlight
i can't get you out of the rain
i can't get you back to that one time
cos you and me are still recovering

so lets just, try to cool it down
the fighting, this feeling of flames
so lets try to slow it down
we crash when we race

oh this is not the way that it should end
it's the way it should begin
it's the way it should begin, again
no, i never wanna fall apart,
never wanna break your heart
never wanna let you break my own
yes, i know we've said alot of things
that we probably didn't mean
but it's not too late to take them back
so, before you say you're gonna go..
i should probably let you know
that i never knew what i had..
i never knew what i had..

see i look for you in the morning
cos that's where my mind always goes
and i can't wait to get to the evening
cos that's when i want you the most

so lets try to cool it down
the fighting, this feeling of flames
so lets try to slow it down
we crash when we race

oh this is not the way that it should end
it's the way it should begin
it's the way it should begin, again
no, i never wanna fall apart,
never wanna break your heart
never wanna let you break my own
yes, i know we've said alot of things
that we probably didn't mean
but it's not too late to take them back
so, before you say you're gonna go..
i should probably let you know
that i never knew what i had..
i never knew what i had..

but i know it now..
i wish i would've known before
how good we were..
or is it too late to come back
or is it's really over,
if it's really over..

but this is not the way that it should end
it's the way it should begin
it's the way it should begin, again
no, i never wanna fall apart,
never wanna break your heart
never wanna let you break my own
yes, i know we've said alot of things
that we probably didn't mean
but it's not too late to take them back
so, before you say you're gonna go..
i should probably let you know
that i never knew what i had..
i never knew what i had..

i never knew what i had..
i never knew what i had..
i never knew what i had..

Maybe I can never escape a messy & destructive relationship.

Like, when it's not, I'm in doubt.

Always expecting it to crash and burn.

Let's not.