Like An Unending Scroll

Happy New Year peeps!

I know, I'm a day late. Was busy catching up with sleep yesterday. I was awake for 26 hours the day before. Crazy stunt I gotta say. Totally messed up my internal clock. Been having naps during the day, and waking up really late in the morning :/ So, my first new year's resolution for 2011 is to get enough sleep by tomorrow. First class on Tuesday, can't afford to doze off, it's LAW! Eeeps! Jeepers! I'm excited though. Can't wait to do law. It'll be totally new for me. Though I have friends warning me otherwise, I think I'll enjoy it somehow :D

Let's do a post-mortem on 2010 :D

Boy, 2010 was a really rough year. Half of it at least.

The year started off pretty alright. The first 6 months were spent getting to know fellow A-Level coursemates better by camping out in the library. I miss those days. Used to have lunch with people like Mun Wai, Nutty, Charmaine, Tarsha and Tze Huey. Those were the usual bunch. After a tough morning burrying ourselves in books, we would just go hunting for each other, exchanging nods as a sign of "Let's go fill our tummys!" And off we went to places like Rock Cafe (aka Medan) or even as far as Pyramid for Carl's Jr, Wendy's etc. Of course, the boyfriend was always there. We spent everyday together. I'm surprised that we didn't get sick of each other. Wait, at one point we did. That's when all the arguments happened, but we went way past that, thankfully. Anyways, I wouldn't know Mun Wai that well if it wasn't for those lunch sessions :D So, *cheers* to that Munboy! Another major highlight was patching things up with Jean. One of the best things that happened in 2010. I'm so glad we made it through :) much love, Jean babe :)

The boyfriend and I got a lot closer thanks to those countless library sessions as well. Imagine, spending time from 8am to 9.30pm, everyday for the last 2 months before A2 exams. Till now I'm surprised we didn't lash out on each other during our arguments. I don't even see my parents that many hours a day xD But instead, it drew us closer. In many ways. We truly became good friends, aside from strengthening our BGR. We saw each other's ugly side. Especially during those dark times of stress & frustrations. We struggled through together. I cried on his shoulder when I was on the verge of giving up. And he growled in front of me (thankfully not AT me) when he was on the verge of ripping of notes & past year question papers. It was melodramatic to say the least. But I don't think we will know each other as well, if it wasn't for all that :)

Things took a turn after A2 exams ended. Maybe it's karma for enjoying too much? I don't know really, but it took a really NASTY turn. It's like, good things came to an end after graduation. Seems like I was doomed to darkness after A Levels officially ended. First hurdle was applying to study a degree in the United Kingdom. I placed so much of hope that when it didn't turn out, I was devastated. Okay, that's actually an understatement. I was BEYOND devastated. The fact that I got an offer to study where I wanted, but couldn't accept it due to financial, was just aggravating! Though my first choice was London School of Economics, but I wasn't counting on it because they wanted an A for Further Maths, and I came out with a D. Lol. PHAIL much? xD I was starting to take that subject for granted. Lost the courage & strength to do it after Dec of 2009. So I pretty much slacked when it came to F Maths & started convincing myself that I'm just taking it for leisure. But when exams came, I realised how badly I wanted to do well in it, but it was in fact WAY TOO LATE. I guess my only regret from A Levels, was not trying hard enough for that subject. It could have been alright if I actually did the countless work my lecturers gave me. But what's done is done. At least I excelled in other subjects, enough to overshadow the big fat D! Further maths aside, Heriot Watt decided to take me in. But unfortunately, it's still in the UK, exchange rate x 5 = IMPOSSIBLE.

I would take this opportunity to say this, I don't blame anyone NOW (well, I previously took it out on everyone! will get to that). My parents took it the wrong way when I burst into tears when reality sank in, and I knew I would be stuck here in Malaysia. Although my parents couldn't afford my education, I would never in a million years blame them for that. It broke my heart when they thought that was the case. My dad actually came to me, looking all defeated, and said he'll dig his pension fund if he needs to. That was when I stopped crying about it. I knew the UK just wasn't for me at this point. And I gotta stop being so devastated (physically at least) so my parents would stop beating themselves about it. What I'm trying to say is that I am thankful that I'm still getting the education that I NEEDED, although it's not exactly what I WANTED, but life's like that. We don't always get what we want, but what we need is what matters the most. And my parents provided me with their best, and I'm eternally grateful for that. So, I'm not giving up just yet. And note to those who are as devastated, keep your heads up high. Never take it out on your parents, or anyone else in that case, because it's all on YOU.

Anyways, back to the part where I said I took it out on almost EVERYONE. First I took it out on myself. I can't remember why, but yeah I did. To the point where I hated being myself. Like, why can't I be someone else who's fortunate enough to have that opportunity. Then I took it out on Fate. Poor, Fate. How much I cursed Fate beyond any measures. Then I took it out on the Malaysian Government. I applied for countless scholarships, and none prevailed. Asked for a loan, but that didn't turn out either. Lastly (the breaking point), I took it out on my fortunate friends who would be flying to UK. For two main reasons, being luckier than I am, and for leaving me. Let me tell you something, ENVY is the most horrible feeling in the world. It takes a toll on you. And it shadows everything else that matters. I was showered with dread & unhappiness. No wonder it's one of the Seven Deadly Sins. You know it's SO SO SO WRONG when seeing other people's happiness makes you unhappy. It was till two weeks ago, did I realise, it has gotta stop! I'm willing to admit this now, because I'm glad to say I'm so over it. But it was dreadful... And SHAMEFUL, really. I'm suppose to be happy for my friends, but I just couldn't find the place in my heart for that because I was clouded with envy & jealousy! I told no one about this, besides the boyfriend of course. But some close friends realised I think. Only Munboy confronted me about it. I guess that was a good punch in the face, though it wasn't hard enough for me to snap outta it. Till Dec somehow. I don't know who, what, how or why, I finally snapped outta it. That was a dark time nevertheless. Envy stole my happiness and gave me many sleepless nights that lasted for months. Envy brought along friends like Jealousy, Hatred & the worst one of all, Loneliness.

I like how Elizabeth Gilbert described Loneliness as a person. Indeed it feels like a person! Because I could sense its presence. Like it was watching me as I tried to fall asleep. Or when I logged onto Facebook, it felt like Loneliness (gonna refer to it as L from this point forward) was sitting right next to me sniggering, "Hah. These people don't care about you. Why do you bother? They're having the time of their lives abroad. You're erased off the picture!" That's when I slowly disappeared from FB. Only recently I stopped looking at wall messages & news feed COMPLETELY. Because L went over the edge & almost got my life wasted. Oh yes, L caused a lot of things. Lots of unthinkable things. But I shall not elaborate on that. Anyways, L became more distinctive when everyone else left to study abroad. The boyfriend was one of the firsts to leave. L's status was promoted from an acquaintance to a good friend, with constant night visits. Then close buddies flew off as well. L grew to become a family friend with lots of lingering around day & night. L hung around so much that I got so used to it, it didn't matter. I allowed L to rule my life for the next 6 months. Our "relationship" grew stronger than mine with the boyfriend. Because L never left & was there 24-7!

So as September came to an end, my ACCA course commenced. That's when it got worse. I barely made any friends. There was one girl, that I managed to get close to. Then she had to fly back to Sabah to get married. I was alone. Everyone else spoke Chinese. The one thing I feared most when trying to meet people: being lost in translation. Okay, maybe that was just a tiny hurdle, but I felt like we're from different worlds. The fact that we are Malaysians, yet we have different mind set, made it seem more foreign than when introduced to a complete foreigner. They talk about K-pop a lot, an acquired taste I might say. Because I tried listening to K-pop, but failed badly. Not my cup of tea, at all! So I practically zone out when they converse about that. And they laugh about stuff I do not understand, partly due to Chinese idioms & puns. The worst part of all, our class is divided into BOYS & GIRLS. There's like a Jordan River between us. The guys would crowd at one side, and the girls at the other. For a person who could hang out better with guys than girls, I was mortified! It was a total change! And I found it so hard to adapt. Not that the language barrier wasn't a big enough problem already. They are good people, I believe. Nice & sincere people. But it is due to my shortcomings that I couldn't fit in. I wish I knew Chinese. Or understood Chinese educated people better. So right now, my only friend (when I say friend, I mean a person whom I've spoken about the most BASIC of personal things to before) is a GUY from TASMANIA. So why caps GUY & TASMANIA you ask? Guy: after all these years of unavoidable conflicts with fellow girlfriends, I carried the fear of getting close to a girl with me, so yeah. Tasmania: this proves my point above, that foreigners became more relatable to me than fellow Chinese peeps.

While all these was happening, L was enjoying it with popcorn & candy in hand. Oh, L had a great laugh. He was eating up my happiness & optimism, as I grew more dreadful than ever. After every class, I would flee ASAP like as though the apocalypse was gonna sweep right through us at that very instant. I was scared. Like a lost sheep in a barn. So scared, I dreaded every class. And L would beg me for more personal sessions every time that happened. Yet, I'm proud to say, I didn't miss a single class. I knew I had to take a break from L. And if it takes sitting feeling solitary in class, at least I got full satisfaction from learning something new. Of course, after which L would greet me in full enthusiasm & I succumbed to it... During the next 3 months, L became my partner in life, or it seemed to be. L would greet me as I wake up & tug me into bed as the clock ticks till wee hours in the morning. L would flood my thoughts as I try to enjoy my daily breakfast, lunch & dinner. Even my mom realised I grew distant during dinner time. She always say sarcastically, "Your body's here to get its much needed fuel, but your mind has drifted some place else..." She was right. I was actually on my usual dates with L, when it would replay my entire day, BLEAKLY. My rice portion was cut in half, because I could digest no more than that. I would try to eat as much as I can during dinner, because of fear of having to get up for supper. Knowing that would keep me awake long enough for L to take advantage of it. So to say that my appetite went down the drain, wouldn't be accurate. It was inconsistent, that's the most I can explain.

So I lost weight. Also due to the fact that I transition from a social smoker to a pre-chain one. I know this would sound completely stupid, but smoking helps me calm my nerves. It takes my mind off things. But there's another main reason to it all... Now I hope this wouldn't throw you off your seat... Smoking is a way to bring me closer to death each day. As I take each puff, I was in deep hopes that it would end my life. Because I couldn't bear living a life like this for at least 6 more decades. So at least smoking would cut that in half. Which felt like a good start actually. It's funny really. As in, odd funny, not haha funny of course. One thing I gotta thank L for, it made me lose my fear of death. Suddenly death didn't seem like such a bad thing after all. Actually, death became a gift. Living was the difficult task. And death was the happy ending. I finally understood why people took their own lives. Because death was suddenly a good thing. Living was like a life sentence. Smoking wasn't the only thing I've thought about in fact. There are many many other countless thoughts. But I'm very reluctant to dig through that. Those were the demons of my dark times. And my constant fear till this very day. My own thoughts became my ultimate nightmare.

So yeah. That lingered on for three months. Quietly slithering through my head as I walked about the days feeling trapped in a limbo. Bare & numb. Unable to enjoy the simple beauties of life. Unhappy & self-loathing. I shudder at the very thought of it right now. The only thing that stayed strong through it all was my relationship with TY. That was somehow unshakable. I don't know why, really. The fact that he held on strong, as I was falling apart. Or the fact that I didn't show any of this to him, at least not entirely. But he was there as I bawled my eyes out. He was there as I stared blankly at the ceiling, wishing it would come crashing down on me. He was there as I felt hollow & empty. He was constantly (though not ALWAYS) there, not physically, but emotionally. And when he was there, L was far from sight (thought to be exact). Perhaps it's not too much to say that, he pretty much kept me sane. Or cured my pain temporarily. But when he hangs up the phone, L would pin me down, placing all pressure on my chest, preventing me from falling asleep. But at least I have used every ounce of tears when I was on the phone, that I have nothing left for L. So there I was, staring at the ceiling, as L laid next to me on my soaked pillow, going through our usual conversations...

It was December 19th at wee hours in the morning, when I realised L went missing. I don't know how & I don't know why. L just disappeared... It came back again the following day and a week later, but didn't stay long like it used to. Until today, I'm trying to figure out, HOW? So that if it ever decided to stay for another vacation, I would know how to say "NO, dude, go find some place else!" I'm still working on that. For now, L is gone. It feels like a dark cloud just flew away, and I can feel the warmth of the sun. I start seeing fresh flowers everywhere. Sweet scents started flooding my airway. I felt new. I know this might sound absurd, but really I'm not bullshitting you xD I've been researching about this okay, and when I do get the answers I'm looking for, I'll share. But for now I'm clueless as to HOW WHY OR WHAT, but I'm so glad L is gone. I'm pretty sure it's not for good. We had such a "relationship", it's bound to come back. Till then, I'm savouring every minute of it :D It left just in time for Christmas, or maybe it was Christmas. Partly the fact that I had a list for Christmas shopping, made me feel less lonely. I bet L hates Christmas. Maybe I was exhausted from feeling dreadful & bitter. Or maybe L is taking a break? I don't know. I don't really care, as long as it stays away long enough for me to find a way to say NO.

Things fell into place perfectly till New Year's Eve. It was a little crazy & odd in many ways, but it was a start of a new year. I'm really looking forward to this year. Class starts of Tuesday. And I promised myself to try harder with my current peers. We'll be seeing each other more often than the previous semester, so hopefully things will work out. I'm planning to join Sunway Student Council to meet more people. Partly because I miss ALSCO so much, and I'm hoping to find something similar. And I need that as a consolation if everything else fails with my classmates. I'm planning to do something about my passion in music. I spoke to Kent at the NYE house party (in a semi-drunk mode) spilling how badly I'm waiting for an opportunity to do that. Kent has a band of his own (Ice T) and he does gigs at various events. I wanna do something like do. Or at least create an outlet for my interest. So, step 1: get a new guitar (old one sounds pathetic somehow). Step 2: gather the courage to upload covers on YouTube, that I've been telling myself to do for the past year. Actually it was one of my 2010 resolution, but yeah it didn't happen. Step 3: dig out all the past songs I've written & really do something about it. I think a year should be enough for that one resolution alone right? Oh I do hope so. Besides that, I have tonnes of books to read!! OMG. I don't think I can ever finish them. Yet, I still have the compulsion to get MORE MORE MORE xD

So, that's it for a post-mortem. SALUTE to you if you actually read everything! Haha. As usual, I couldn't help myself. But I guess it's a good way to start the new year, for the blog I mean. Laying past demons & fears. Really recognising it as the past. And putting it all behind me...

I shall end this post by a quote that has really helped me through all the dark times...

Baby steps... All it takes are baby steps.

with love,

Stephay