To Break 'em All For You

So I guess it's a routine for me to blog weekly now. No, it's not planned. I realise I don't really have the time to stay online for more than 10 minutes during weekdays. Either that, or I'm too exhausted to bother. It's been a loooong week. Always feeling extra pumped on a Friday, mentally that is. Physically? I'll be dragging myself through the day. Usually when Friday comes, I'll be hopping out to have a drink with a friend or just hang out. I would make sure Friday night is spent out. But now, I just wanna stay home every Friday night. Relax myself on my cosy couch, watch TV and warm myself up with a good cup of coffee, provided the weather is fantastic :D So, I'm feeling kinda old! This is way to soon to tone down isn't it? I mean, I'm only about to hit 20. Women in their 20s are in their PRIME ZONE! I should be up and running and MORE ENTHUSIASTIC than ever! But no, I wanna stay HOME on a Friday night. That ain't right :s I realise I find pleasure in other things right now. Not that I don't enjoy heading out at night, but it's not as fulfilling as before. Perhaps I need more xD That would worry my parents, I can imagine!

Been craving to hop around KL, as in all around NOT the town itself, to try out different restaurants. The driving worries me, because I have ZERO tolerance for Malaysian drivers, and I often get pushed over. Being on the road pisses me off. I would wanna avoid having to drive, not because I'm lazy, but just because it SERIOUSLY pisses me off. Which is why I'm waiting for the boyfriend to come back! I made him promise to get his GPS fixed so we can hop around town without worries. I just hope I'm not putting too much hope in this. Heh. Hoping that I'm not HOPING too much, dizzy dizzy! xD He has the tendency to make promises he can't keep, no matter how much he tries. Not that he doesn't want to, but things just somehow get in his way, A LOT. So, it's hard NOT to feel disappointed and NOT to blame him for most of it. I have my fingers double crossed! We have so much planned for next month, and I just hope his parents would not push a load of responsibility on him, and just allow him to have a GOOD TIME OFF!

Things between us have been up & down. Our relationship boggles me. I have no idea how I can be so confused, yet so sure at the same time. One minute I'm secured, the next minute I'm drowning in insecurities. One minute I'm bloody sure of this, then I'll be questioning myself a million times in the next. I wish I didn't have to do this to him. Sometimes I feel, for his sake, this shouldn't go on any longer. But I know if we let go, we'll both fall apart. When you spend so much personal space with someone, it sticks. There are no simple steps to take it all back. It's like, giving a part of yourself to someone, and to take it back it requires ripping off a part of the other. I just fear sooo badly that giving that part of myself would change me. Change is necessary sometimes; for the better, he says. But I'm scared. In my past relationship I let myself go so much I could hardly recognise myself. Allowing that so called "other half" to tell me that I'm a coward and a fool for failing in the fight for our relationship. I concluded that we were no match for each other. And the blame game just proved it further. There is so much I wanna tell him, but I hate digging into that past. Because that past made me feel like a failure, although I do try to convince myself that deep down, it wasn't anyone's fault; we were just too different.

So that's my fear. Are we too different as well? Will this lead to the same past I've gone through? I know he wouldn't batter me up like the other did. But it still boils down to the same issue... Too different: a good thing or a bad thing? Is it the case of "opposite attracts" or "the clash of differences"? Every time we're happy or sad, I would question myself. Like last night, he made me feel so special & so loved, I questioned myself. And two weeks ago, he made me feel like he isn't giving me enough, I questioned myself. On and on again I question myself! It's exhausting, really... Sometimes I just wanna slap myself outta it, "Oh my god, you're such a friggin wreck!" I hate feeling all vulnerable. Relationships make me feel vulnerable, be it friendship or love. And when I feel vulnerable, hah, the questions come flooding in my cerebral!

That's why I need you home right now. Counting down the days till I'll see your face. I need to hold you right in front of me, and dig deep to find out what has been bothering me all these months. It's so difficult to do that when we're apart. So so so difficult! I just hope we don't get too carried away by the excitement of seeing each other again and lose sight of what's truly important. I'm soooo excited to have you come home, but at the same time, so so afraid! I tried to search your face as I was trying to fall asleep, but I couldn't find it. That image just wasn't there. Your presence was, but I was desperately seeking that familiar face. What if we meet, and we just don't recognise each other? Time apart changes a lot of things. I don't mean just physically, but also emotionally... And what if that causes our differences to stick out like a sore thumb?!

oh my god, you're such an emotional wreck...

I blame the darn caffeine. Kept me up all night and my silly thoughts kept me company. I really need to STOP thinking about it! Yeah, but this is just another case of easier said than done. We can't help what we feel or think right? I mean, no matter how hard we push certain thoughts outta our head, when it's just you and the darkness when the sun goes down, those thoughts will come running through like a bullet train! I guess the hardest part is keeping it together, preventing ourselves to fall apart due to the overload of thoughts and emotions!

This train of thoughts is about to be derailed...