Who's That Looking Right Back At You?

Few days back I was totally enraged when I realised I was being lied to. I can usually tell when someone's lying to me. I don't know how, but I would somehow know, or at least sense that things just don't match; something's definitely fishy! One thing I hate most is having someone so close to your heart (or important at the very least) lie to you, even when it's the simplest most insignificant thing. It makes me feel like I don't deserve to know the truth? Or I'm too insignificant to know what really is going on. Not that this particular one hurts, but I am upset that I have to be lied to.

Until two nights ago...

I've spun into the blackhole of Lies & Deceit. Let's just say that I'd rather be the victim than the culprit. Being the culprit is so much worse. Flooded with guilt and regrets. Done something I never thought I would do and I totally didn't see it coming. It's such a funny feeling, not thinking about the consequences while being so sucked in the moment of committing the offense. I felt like a whole different person. Exhilarating to say the least! But the minute right after, guilt came washing through like a storm. What the fuck was I thinking?! If I was in a different phase in my life, when I have less to care for, it would have been an "achievement". Although many friends think it is, but I can't stop thinking how deceitful it was. The last thing I wanna do is hurt someone so close to my heart. A short moment of satisfaction is NEVER worth it when someone is gonna get hurt in return.

As I lay in my bed, wide awake for the past few nights, I keep asking myself... Why the fuck did I do it? I wasn't thinking. Seriously, now I understand what it means when people defend themselves after doing something really wrong, that they weren't thinking. Because that's seriously what's running in your head, NOTHING. Except being sucked in the moment... And all you can ever think of is how good it's making you feel. I felt different. Like I wasn't myself. Like an alter ego just took over me. And wow, I never thought I would do something like that. Never in a million years, because it NEVER occurred to me to wanna do something like that. The excitement is addictive really... Like venturing into something totally new & foreign. With many more exciting, but WRONG, reasons...

No, it's not okay. It's just wrong. You know it ain't right when one minute you're feeling totally invincible, and you're hitting rock bottom the very next. Thousands of questions fill your head, making it feel like it's gonna explode into a million pieces. "Oh my god what was I thinking? Why did I do it? What would people think? What's gonna happen when the cat is outta the bag? Is it fixable?How did it happen in the first place? Why did I let it happen? How can I do such a thing?" But the biggest question of all...

Who am I?

I didn't recognise myself. No, correction... I DON'T recognise myself. Who is this person I've become? Well, it's not necessarily bad, but who is this? Is this really me? Someone hidden deep inside, somehow burst out due to years of being trapped up inside? Is it an alter ego? Or something inside me is trying to tell me that I'm not happy?

Heh. Alter ego. Never knew I would have one. And it picked the most horrible time to appear. I can't make room for this person. I just can't. This wild and impulsive person, doesn't belong here right now, at this point in my life. I really can't. As much as I want to, because it feels so darn good. I know I can't. Not now. I can't do this. There's too much at stake at the moment... There are certain things I'm willing to give up, but the one thing that would fall apart if I let this alter ego take over, I'm not willing to lose that. May this be a one off thing. At least for now... I gotta prevent myself from doing anything like this until I'm free from consequences. It's not my time. Not right now.

I woke up yesterday morning feeling like CRAP. I couldn't find room to forgive myself. However, hanging out with Nickolai last night made me feel so much better. He made it sound alright. In fact, he made me feel like doing other things that I wouldn't. "It's good to be impulsive sometimes..." he says. We almost got a piercing together! But there wasn't any piercing parlour nearby -.- BUZZ KILL! I like how I felt when we hung out... OUTRAGEOUS. Bursting out of routine... Feeling FUN and EXCITING! I'm so sucked into routine, I need something MORE! Nick thinks I have unsettled issues xD He may be right... I guess it takes making mistakes for me to realise that I keep too many issues unsettled. Darn it, the same issues keep popping up when I least expect them :/

I guess I don't feel as bad as I did two nights ago. But that doesn't make it alright either! But I gotta live with it. You make a mistake, you live with it. I gotta fix this when I get the chance; that haunting issue. Hoping for the right place and the right time...

I'm so sorry if this sounds sooooo vague. I wish I could reveal more, but I can't. This is the most I can go. But I think it implies too much already. Ah what a week! Week of self discovery, guilt, remorse, regrets, realisation, rebellion... Too much in a week to handle. Oh wait, 3 days to be exact. Geeebus! For what's worth: Stranger, wherever you may be, thanks for the experience. I better stop here. May this be a past record. Not to be mentioned ever again if possible.

All of these lines across my face
Tell you the story of who I am
So many stories of where I've been
And how I got to where I am
But these stories don't mean anything
When you've got no one to tell them to

*sweeps off*