Till We Meet Again

post no 360

this shall be my goodbye post.

i'm temporarily shutting this blog down.

in other words, i will no longer update anymore.

i might not be completely abandoning this,

way too much memories & time spent here.

but i won't be blogging about my personal life anymore.

i realise that i have been using this as an outlet,

to express my feelings.

but instead of helping myself, i've been burying myself deeper

so deep into a pithole, dark and frightening.

blogging does help me ease the pain temporarily

but because of that, i forget to deal with it in reality.

in the end, i hurt those who read these,

because i never approached them directly.

for that i'm sorry, and i shall learn from my mistakes.

i am truly sorry to YOU especially.

you know who you are.

i wish i could turn back time and told you from the beginning

how i felt deep inside

instead, i buried it, and blogged about it...

subconsciously hoping you would read it.

and you did, but more damage was done than good.

i am so sorry.

i can't take it back, but i can fix this.

blogging is never a way to escape.

lesson learned.

if you have an issue with someone,

talk to him/her

tell him/her

express it to him/her

writing it out here will never help.

the healing is temporary.

and a bigger wound would be dealt with later.

am taking a break from everything.

to change things.

to grow.

to make sure i don't make the same mistakes.

to make sure i can be a better person.

a better person to the people i care about.

and to never hurt them again.

this has been my secret hideout.

an escape realm.

thinking words of expression will solve the problem.

problem not solved.

but problem spotted.

a big thanks to everyone that has been following my space,

so faithfully although there's a lot of bullshit sometimes.

as much as i will miss blogging,

i think i need to put a stop to it.

i will try to channel my passion for writing some place else.

something less personal and damaging.

i don't have the heart to delete this space.

so it shall remain here, as a memory.

a part of me that has to come to a halt.

for now.

am taking a break

am taking a step

for a change.

lots of love,

steph

xoxo

Empty Caresses In Darkness

Just when I thought I'm lost & all alone, people amaze me.
I've been burrying myself in work, hoping to cut off...
Except occasional meet ups, just so that I'm not completely outta it.
I'm glad those little moments, amazed me.
I'm glad to know that no matter how some may seem busy with their lives,
I can always buzz em up whenever...
And I'm super glad I've finally found someone who's in a similar situation as I am.
We're never alone. We just gotta find someone to relate to.
Then, help each other out...

And I'm glad I always have You.
You'll never forsake me.
You're always there.
Through thick and thin,
I can always turn around,
to find you there...
With hands stretched out wide,
so I could fall in your arms.

Through tough times...
Self-induced or not...
You need people to constantly remind you...
You're not alone.

Beating of Four Chambers

so what's the worst feeling you felt in the world?
i just found mine.
ever felt a heartache so bad you can't even breathe?
like the four chamber walls just constricted,
like it's gonna choke you out of your life.
that pang of pain in your chest...
the more you try to fight back the tears,
the harder it gets for the pain to go away.
and when you do finally release those tears,
you find that you can't breathe from all the sobbing.
your hands clench the side of your mattress,
or jabbing em into your pillow,
barricading the sound from flooding the silent night.
this goes on for the next few mins, that feels like forever.
and when it comes to a sudden stop....
you recollect yourself, wipe your tears dry,
clear your nasal area, and take a long deep breath.
you come out feeling like a trainwreck,
and you ask yourself... "WHAT THE HELL JUST HAPPENED?"

i fear each day that passes by...
because as each day pass by we're getting more distant.
when that huge hurdle comes up again...
it's week one, and it seems like it's heading that way again.
but this time it's different... because i don't doubt how i feel...
at least not as much as before.
have you ever had someone, but somehow feel like you never did?
or that it's not gonna be for long, somehow?
i don't know why i'm feeling that way.
and this new found fear that it's gonna be a struggle again,
kills me... it really really kills me...

i fucking hate LDR.
i might answer with a smile, or a light cynical laughter,
when people ask me, "how is the LDR maaan?"
"yeah it's tough. but we manage. somehow."
when i just wanna scream out loud...
IT FUCKING STINKS.
and i still don't believe in it.
i'm all on board volunteerily for the relationship...
but this whole long distance bullshit... sigh.
that's just like icing made out of poop,
on a scrumptious chocolate cake.

i hope you know how much you mean to me,
till i'm willing to put up with all of this.
because i know for sure...
i don't wanna lose you.
i really don't.

Changes Bring New Possibilities

Been having exhausting days. It's never a good idea to study last min... Like no one knows that already -.- But I've been LAZY. Kinda tired of studying. Prolly wasn't the smartest idea to take up a professional course that's 100% focused on examination. I miss having projects and activities. Missing ALSCO particularly. Sometimes I unconsciously ask myself if I've got any event tasks undone, or any musical rehearsals to attend. Then I realise, that's all over. It broke my heart when I found out Kingsley is putting musical on hold. Was really hoping to rejoin the group, miss it soooo dearly. But oh well, I guess this is part of moving on, and exploring new things. Am waiting for my first Leader's meeting. Oh, did I mention, I made the cut? Got invited on the team right after the interview, which has NEVER happened to me. And I have been through a good number of interviews, it's a good feeling. Am really waiting to be out there again. It's been a loooooong while since I've organised something, and I can't wait to get down to it. I just wish my peers are as enthusiastic as I am. Whenever I ask if they would like to join this, this and this, they would be like "Er... No, no and NO." Perhaps I'm a tad bit too enthusiastic. But oh well, that's the fun of it (:

Social life has been slowing down. After the boyfriend returned to India, I realised how exhausted I was. Been working so hard for the past 3 weeks to meet up with him as often as possible, and meet up with the few who were leaving to NZ, Aus & Singapore. I actually missed meeting Nick Liang before he left, which I felt sooooo bad! So, it's been tiring. Both physically & mentally. Physically: trying to find time & plan something which suits both parties; Emotionally: to say goodbye and not meeting again for a long while. Plus, going out with people makes me broke. I'm not the thriftiest person on Earth, to say the least. Let's just say if there's a juicy piece of steak on the menu staring right back at me and it's no more than 50 bucks, I'll nab it. I'm a sucker for luxurious food. I rather spend big bucks on food than anything else. That attitude eats up on me by the middle of the month and I'll realise "oh fuck, I'm running beyond low..." So yeah... You need money to have a great social life, thus it disappears with your money xD

But I managed to find a job. Well, actually my mom found me a job. Nothing confirmed yet, but if it actually works out, I can finally save up to travel. I have Singapore, Krabi & Kota Kinabalu on my list. Already mentally planning out to travel to S'pore with Bel love in July. And hoping hoping DESPERATELY hoping to climb Mount Kinabalu. Yes, I know... That's a lil too ambitious. But I can't help it. I might die tomorrow... And one of my regrets will be not having the chance to climb that friggin mountain. So yes, it HAS TO BE DONE! Krabi has been on the list for ages. Planned with Bryan & Davy a couple of times, but never seem to work. Why? LACK OF CASH THAT'S WHY? No, I don't think asking from parents would be a very good idea... So there you go, my ambitious plans for 2011. Fingers crossed!

I better start studying for tomorrow's paper. The toughest of the lot... Seems like no proper sleep AGAIN tonight!

toodles

Escape You

why do i feel the need to escape you?

perhaps i can't keep up...

or perhaps i need a break...

or maybe, just maybe, you make me feel like i'm not good enough...

purely because i just can't keep up...

just like what she said...

you're too intense.

Seriously, anon?

i'm supposed to be asleep right now... but something is seriously bothering me. had a random conversation with a friend today. we were talking about random stuff, off the roof just to kill each other's boredom. then it somehow came to the topic of random things we've done. suddenly i was shot at with a statement, "yeah i've heard you've done pretty nasty stuff..." whaaaat?! i didn't take it too seriously at first, till much later into the conversation i found out she was serious. so here's the thing, we're not very close, and i didn't wanna seem like i was soooo eager to know what kinda rumour she has heard (in actually fact i'm DEAD curious). so i tried digging, unsuspisciously. turns out i'm being stabbed in the back just like the old days of immature highschool dramas. the best part is... i don't even know that person! yes, i know you might be thinkin, that person probably mistaken me as someone else. but apparently she got her so called "facts" right...

this kinda thing really pisses me off. to be judged by other people who know nuts about what's going on in my life. the stuff she said was ten time nastier than anyone can define NASTY. i don't wanna bring it up, it's just too aggravating. it really boggles me... where on earth did she get that kinda idea? to totally sum me up as a totally different person... to top it all off, to tell my acquaintances about all these false information? i mean, come on... get your facts right! and OHMYGOD don't you have better things to do than defame me? i'm just a single tiny little speck, like leave me the fuck alone. i don't even fucking know you!

it's funny why she would wanna pick on me, for whatever reason. not that i'm a total notorious prick who has lots to shout and scream about. compared too many other wild individuals/party animals/social whores/crack sniffers and whatnots, i'm practically the most boring person you can ever find! in terms of JUICY SCANDALS that is... so why me really? what have i done to rub your edges so hard, you wanna falsify facts about me? if i've offended you, by all means, do what you want. but i'm pretty sure i've been under the radar when it comes to drama. been avoiding it for the past year, and pretty successful about it. so i'm pretty darn sure i've offended no one.

so ms anonymous here has entered my life with her silly doings. i tried acting like i don't give a fuck, but deep down it bothers me. can't really help it i guess. been on goodlists for a long time now, i don't see why i'm a bad apple in someone's eyes now :p thankfully the people who she tried to turn against me know better. and i'm glad i found out about this, although i'm gonna be dead curious for the next few days trying to find out what her darn problem is. but i shouldn't. i should ignore this. like what ben said, "since she's anon, why bother...?" good point. i just hope it doesn't taint people's impression on me, before they even get to know me. that would definitely piss me off! fingers crossed that it'll just BLOW OVER.

for God's sake, ms anon, find something better to do with your life. you're not in highschool anymore! grow up!

up yours!

Here We Go Again...

Back from a hiatus! I know... It has been a while. Okay, nearly a month. But I've been busy. Barely had enough time for myself, what more blog about it. The boyfriend came back for three weeks. The previous, extremely distraught, post was because he broke his promise that we'll meet up for an important chat immediately when he comes back (due to unforeseen circumstances; his words). Let's just say I was so confused at that moment, I needed that conversation, face to face. Although we did get a chance to have a not-so-decent & tear-filled conversation through the darn phone, we managed to pull through. And I have to say, the past three weeks were blissful. Okay, perhaps not COMPLETELY, but close enough. I needed that so badly, and thankfully I got it. I think back about it now and wonder why I had those doubts. Perhaps the answer to that question will come pounding on my cerebral down the line since he has gone back to India and we are to resume the very torturous LDR. God, I HATE that term -.-

Back to square one.

Why did I get myself involved in this? Sigh... If you asked, is it worth it? Dead honestly, I don't know... He's great and all, but I haven't thought much of myself ever since I got into a relationship. I think it's really important to keep intact with what YOU want in life, before segregating it with what the OTHER half wants as well. That has been happening. And I kinda forgot how to put myself first. I find it tougher to be selfish than to be selfless nowadays. Is that love then? When you're with someone, and you choose to be completely selfless? Does that mean you're IN LOVE with that person? Gee... If it is, isn't it a tad bit morbid? To sacrifice your wants to get what you need. Bah, what do I know about what I WANT anyways. I've been facing an identity crisis for half my life, I NEVER know what I WANT. One minute I wanna be outrageous, the next minute I wish everything was planned out as clear as a freeway...

Maybe I'm bipolar? Or maybe I'm just crazy? I swear at one point when the boyfriend sorta asked me to stop thinking CRAZY, when we were arguing on the phone, I felt the blood in my cheeks flare up like a volcanic eruption was about to take place! I yelled, "Stop talking like as though I'm crazy. I'M NOT CRAZY!" So I was angry at first, then I thought... Maybe he's right. I am fucking crazy. A simple girl wouldn't think about all these insane stuff that could potentially drown the relationship. A simple girl would be fucking contented with everything she has, and trust me it's a lot a girl can WANT. A simple girl would be happy. Period.

But I guess I'm NOT a simple girl after all. Never been, and never will be. Being simple is a gift. Having a boxed-mind like em' ignorant guys is a gift. IGNORANCE IS A FUCKING GIFT. What one does not need is a voice in his/her head that keeps talking and talking and talking and TALKING! You can never make that voice shut up, the only way is to drown that voice with screams of your own. That's when arguments will keep flowing through. And you need to hope with all your might that the other person will stand by your side strongly...

That's what he did. I gotta give him credit for not giving up. I would break up with me. Maaaaan, if I was a dude, I wouldn't date me. Too much mental work. I exhaust myself. It bewilders me how a simple guy like him can manage a psycho bitch like me. The only complains I ever had from him, regarding all of this, is "You're too fucking complicated..." Of course he did once asked me to "stop torturing me emotionally like this..." We BOTH exhausted each other out. Oh boy, I wish I could say that happened physically :p but no, mentally & emotionally exhausting...!

Sometimes I wonder if I would be better alone, at this point in my life. Save him the trouble. Save myself from all the torturous thoughts. Save us from such a wreck. But I guess both of us rather go through all that than being alone. Am not sure if that's a good thing... Which is why reading "Eat, Pray, Love" scares me. It makes me ponder more about our relationship. I guess that's why I kinda stopped halfway :/ Problem is, I'm David and he's Liz. He needs me to be there 100% emotionally. But the more he needs it, the more I feel like scurrying away. I'm not sure what's wrong with me. A friend once asked, "Is it the fact that you're NOT THAT INTO HIM?" I can gladly answer, NO. I am into him. Although I still think we're not COMPLETELY compatible. But yes, I am into him. But the relationship as a whole scares me... There's only so much of myself that I can give. Because I fear that I'm losing myself as I dive deeper and deeper into the relationship...

Anyhooooooo... I had NO thoughts whatsoever, on these throughout the three weeks we spent together. We promised to take things slowly, with less pressure & just enjoy each other's company. Or at least that's what he promised me. To give me the liberty to find my pace in this relationship. I am not ready for the commitment. That does not mean I wish to pounce around, dating some random guys. Neither does it mean I want a couple of flings before settling down with a serious relationship. It simply means I am not ready to give my full self & commit EVERYTHING to ONE person. I'm just not ready. It's too scary for me. I need to FIND myself first. Find out who I truly am. What I really want in life. And what kinda person I wish to be. To DEFINE myself. I'm in progress. So far, I like what I've seen. I might not enjoy it (the whole emotional wreck part), but I'm glad of who I am. God created me this way, so I don't see any other way to live it.

Which is why I think... He's a keeper. He's been there, through thick and thin. He's been patient. Albeit the lack of security I've given him, he's still here. Without a doubt I know, he's always there. I mean, come on, if a guy can stick around, through your crazy moments, he's a keeper. I just hope things won't fall back to those wrecked up days when I feel like we're not meant to be. Because those 3 weeks felt so right, I wish it would stay that way. That's why LDR is so darn hard! It shadows things. It shadows feelings. And the worst part, it shadows memories. His return was so important to ignite those memories we had before he left. The great times we spent together. I almost forgot how much fun we used to have. All the silly, random & spontaneous things we would do. We took a day trip up to Genting just for fun the other day. It reminded me why I decided to plunge into this relationship in the first place. We enjoy each other's company...

Ah I hope this will last for the next 5 months... God, I'm fucking terrified! *fingers crossed* We're taking a dive from a 50 feet cliff. Let the journey be as exhilarating as EVER! (:

the breaking point

i don't want to shed a tear for you.
not again.
not tonight.
having hope is the darndest thing to do,
because by the end of the day...
it fucking rips you apart.
i'm emotionally drained and exhausted.
expectations, hopes, desires and whatnots, what are they for?
to remind you that it's YOU AGAINST THE WORLD.
i'm tired of crying
about you
because of you
thinkin of you
in front of you
on the phone with you
or even for you!

next tear i'm gonna shed, is gonna be for myself.
if it takes ripping my eyes out
or clogging my tear ducts,
my next tear will not be for you.

these shoulders can carry no more
or to be exact, these chest walls can barricade no more...
i'm an inch closer to pulling the trigger,
and tomorrow WAS so important to prevent me from doing so...
but that ain't gonna happen, be it your fault or mine.
i'm an inch closer.
an inch away.
that's how flimsy that thread is now.

i'm exhausted.
so exhasuted.

Who's That Looking Right Back At You?

Few days back I was totally enraged when I realised I was being lied to. I can usually tell when someone's lying to me. I don't know how, but I would somehow know, or at least sense that things just don't match; something's definitely fishy! One thing I hate most is having someone so close to your heart (or important at the very least) lie to you, even when it's the simplest most insignificant thing. It makes me feel like I don't deserve to know the truth? Or I'm too insignificant to know what really is going on. Not that this particular one hurts, but I am upset that I have to be lied to.

Until two nights ago...

I've spun into the blackhole of Lies & Deceit. Let's just say that I'd rather be the victim than the culprit. Being the culprit is so much worse. Flooded with guilt and regrets. Done something I never thought I would do and I totally didn't see it coming. It's such a funny feeling, not thinking about the consequences while being so sucked in the moment of committing the offense. I felt like a whole different person. Exhilarating to say the least! But the minute right after, guilt came washing through like a storm. What the fuck was I thinking?! If I was in a different phase in my life, when I have less to care for, it would have been an "achievement". Although many friends think it is, but I can't stop thinking how deceitful it was. The last thing I wanna do is hurt someone so close to my heart. A short moment of satisfaction is NEVER worth it when someone is gonna get hurt in return.

As I lay in my bed, wide awake for the past few nights, I keep asking myself... Why the fuck did I do it? I wasn't thinking. Seriously, now I understand what it means when people defend themselves after doing something really wrong, that they weren't thinking. Because that's seriously what's running in your head, NOTHING. Except being sucked in the moment... And all you can ever think of is how good it's making you feel. I felt different. Like I wasn't myself. Like an alter ego just took over me. And wow, I never thought I would do something like that. Never in a million years, because it NEVER occurred to me to wanna do something like that. The excitement is addictive really... Like venturing into something totally new & foreign. With many more exciting, but WRONG, reasons...

No, it's not okay. It's just wrong. You know it ain't right when one minute you're feeling totally invincible, and you're hitting rock bottom the very next. Thousands of questions fill your head, making it feel like it's gonna explode into a million pieces. "Oh my god what was I thinking? Why did I do it? What would people think? What's gonna happen when the cat is outta the bag? Is it fixable?How did it happen in the first place? Why did I let it happen? How can I do such a thing?" But the biggest question of all...

Who am I?

I didn't recognise myself. No, correction... I DON'T recognise myself. Who is this person I've become? Well, it's not necessarily bad, but who is this? Is this really me? Someone hidden deep inside, somehow burst out due to years of being trapped up inside? Is it an alter ego? Or something inside me is trying to tell me that I'm not happy?

Heh. Alter ego. Never knew I would have one. And it picked the most horrible time to appear. I can't make room for this person. I just can't. This wild and impulsive person, doesn't belong here right now, at this point in my life. I really can't. As much as I want to, because it feels so darn good. I know I can't. Not now. I can't do this. There's too much at stake at the moment... There are certain things I'm willing to give up, but the one thing that would fall apart if I let this alter ego take over, I'm not willing to lose that. May this be a one off thing. At least for now... I gotta prevent myself from doing anything like this until I'm free from consequences. It's not my time. Not right now.

I woke up yesterday morning feeling like CRAP. I couldn't find room to forgive myself. However, hanging out with Nickolai last night made me feel so much better. He made it sound alright. In fact, he made me feel like doing other things that I wouldn't. "It's good to be impulsive sometimes..." he says. We almost got a piercing together! But there wasn't any piercing parlour nearby -.- BUZZ KILL! I like how I felt when we hung out... OUTRAGEOUS. Bursting out of routine... Feeling FUN and EXCITING! I'm so sucked into routine, I need something MORE! Nick thinks I have unsettled issues xD He may be right... I guess it takes making mistakes for me to realise that I keep too many issues unsettled. Darn it, the same issues keep popping up when I least expect them :/

I guess I don't feel as bad as I did two nights ago. But that doesn't make it alright either! But I gotta live with it. You make a mistake, you live with it. I gotta fix this when I get the chance; that haunting issue. Hoping for the right place and the right time...

I'm so sorry if this sounds sooooo vague. I wish I could reveal more, but I can't. This is the most I can go. But I think it implies too much already. Ah what a week! Week of self discovery, guilt, remorse, regrets, realisation, rebellion... Too much in a week to handle. Oh wait, 3 days to be exact. Geeebus! For what's worth: Stranger, wherever you may be, thanks for the experience. I better stop here. May this be a past record. Not to be mentioned ever again if possible.

All of these lines across my face
Tell you the story of who I am
So many stories of where I've been
And how I got to where I am
But these stories don't mean anything
When you've got no one to tell them to

*sweeps off*

Note Out :D

http://enigmatic-kelson.blogspot.com/

Whoever owns this blog, it would be nice to allow me access since you've obviously provided the link to my blog somewhere on your blog (according to Nuffnang), and it has been hit several times for the past week. Curiosity kills the cat, and I am dead curious to know what intentions you have linking me. For starters, I don't even know you... So I would really appreciate it. Besides, I do have the right to know after all.

Thank you...

the very curious stephay :D

Places To Visit No. 003

Now that I've started, I can't stop. Ideas keep filling my head, and I can go on forever.

Next up...

No. 003 (in no particular order)

Greece
The place of art & architecture, history, mythology, wars, The Olympics and rich culture!

Athens, the capital and the largest city of Greece.
It's one of the oldest city; spans around 3,400 years (wiki)

The Acropolis of Athens (wiki)

The beautiful Mykonos, a greek island & top tourist destination; part of the Cyclades

Delphi is both an archeological site and a modern town in Greece (wiki)

Island of Delos, isolated in the centre of the Cyclades, is one of the most important mythological, historical and archeological sites in Greece (wiki)

Saronic Islands, located just off the Greek mainland

Thessaloniki, the second largest city in Greece and the capital of the region of Macedonia (wiki)

Lots of wiki links eh? You really gotta read them links to know more. There are so many historical facts, it'll take you on an intriguing ride!

For more information (there are tonnes, which is an understatement actually) visit visitgreece and lonelyplanet.

Those are only some of the whole list of interesting places to see in Greece.
Now, when people mention Greece, I think about the historic places, the beautiful islands, but most of all... THE FOOD!!

The first thing I stumbled upon when I Googled Greek food was...

Feta cheese.
I'm a huge fan of cheese cheese cheese! So this is just marvelous!

Greek Salad. They have feta cheese, cherry tomatoes, olives and red onions, drizzled with olive oil... Oh so heavenly!

Here's a recipe :D

Dolma is a family of stuffed vegetables dish, like zucchini, eggplant, tomato, peppers and sometimes meat as well.

I'm not sure if it's traditional Greek food, wiki says it's Mediterranean, but I know it's a usual dish in Greece :D

Taramosalata; prepared from fish roe, freshly squeezed lemon juice, olive oil and either soaked bread or potatoes.

Tiropita or Tyropita, which are cheese pastries made from phyllo dough filled with feta cheese.

Gyros; meat, tomato, onion and tzatziki sauce, served with pita bread. It's a famous fast food in Greece.

Pastitsio; it's a baked pasta dish with ground meat (beef, veal or lamb), tomatoes, Bechamel sauce with grated cheese.

Galaktoboureko; a dessert of custard in phyllo, served with syrup :p sweeeet!

And I've saved the best for last. The one that I'm dying to try! I've heard of it a thousands of times. Seen pictures and even cook shows! Recently saw it on Junior Masterchef Australia (StarWorld).

Baklava; a rich, sweet pastry made of layers of phyllo dough, filled with chopped nuts and sweetened syrup or honey.
I'm so gonna try this recipe one fine day :D

That's all I can write about. There's so much more, but this post would be so darn long. And my arm is starting to ache. I'm sure a Greek would scoff at this post, because I doubt this really gives Greece justice. I found a whole list of Greek food and places to visit in Greece, it's amazing! These are the ones that caught my eye, or made my mouth water in hunger :p

Note: Photos are obtained from Google Image search. None of which belongs to me. I wish I could link each one, but that would take me forever. I repeat, I do not own any of this copyrighted photos. If you would like me to remove any of the photos that belong to you, let me know. Thank you.

Places To Visit No. 002

As I'm waiting for the boyfriend to come on Skype, I shall post another :)

No. 002 (in no particular order)

New York City!

The BIG Apple & the city that NEVER sleeps :D

BROADWAY!!! :D

American Museum of Natural History

Hustle & bustle of Time Square! JUMBOTRON! (I love that word :p)

Chrysler Building

Grand Central Station

MoMA; The Museum of Modern Art

Madame Tussauds (Wax Museum)

The Metropolitan Museum of Art

New York Public Library

Rockefeller Center

Central Park (on a lovely summer day)

The Yankees Stadium

Madison Square Garden

Central Park Zoo (main entrance where the famous clock is)

Last but DEFINITELY not the least, Empire State Building!

Looking at all these pictures make me wanna teleport over pronto!
I love love love the idea of New York City.
Where the adventure, the beauty and the excitement is!
I must visit NYC one fine day, it's a life's promise :)

For more info on New York City, visit NYCGO.COM

Note: Photos are obtained from Google Image search. None of which belongs to me. I wish I could link each one, but that would take me forever. I repeat, I do not own any of this copyrighted photos. If you would like me to remove any of the photos that belong to you, let me know. Thank you.

Places To Visit No. 001

So, remember I said I'll make blog posts on places I'm dying to visit? I'll start now :)

No. 001 (in no particular order)

Tahiti is the largest island in the Winward group of French Polynesia, located in the archipelago of Society Islands in the southern Pacific Ocean. (Wikipedia)

A beautiful place to have your wedding ceremony and a romantic honeymoon after. The view is superbly gorgeous! The best you can get; SUN SAND BEACH! The famous Bora Bora is right here :)

Moorea

Marquesas

Manihi

Mangareva

Huahine

Fakarava

Bora Bora

Austral

Tempted to pack your shades & sunblock and fly over there in a jiffy eh? Oh, I would kill to go there...!
Bear in mind, it's INSANELY expensive! I checked. To spend 6 days there, would cost you a minimum of USD2,500! That's at least RM10,000! Not inclusive of flight expenses!
What a fantasy island :) Can't help a girl from dreaming eh?

All photos and information from Tahiti Tourism

To Break 'em All For You

So I guess it's a routine for me to blog weekly now. No, it's not planned. I realise I don't really have the time to stay online for more than 10 minutes during weekdays. Either that, or I'm too exhausted to bother. It's been a loooong week. Always feeling extra pumped on a Friday, mentally that is. Physically? I'll be dragging myself through the day. Usually when Friday comes, I'll be hopping out to have a drink with a friend or just hang out. I would make sure Friday night is spent out. But now, I just wanna stay home every Friday night. Relax myself on my cosy couch, watch TV and warm myself up with a good cup of coffee, provided the weather is fantastic :D So, I'm feeling kinda old! This is way to soon to tone down isn't it? I mean, I'm only about to hit 20. Women in their 20s are in their PRIME ZONE! I should be up and running and MORE ENTHUSIASTIC than ever! But no, I wanna stay HOME on a Friday night. That ain't right :s I realise I find pleasure in other things right now. Not that I don't enjoy heading out at night, but it's not as fulfilling as before. Perhaps I need more xD That would worry my parents, I can imagine!

Been craving to hop around KL, as in all around NOT the town itself, to try out different restaurants. The driving worries me, because I have ZERO tolerance for Malaysian drivers, and I often get pushed over. Being on the road pisses me off. I would wanna avoid having to drive, not because I'm lazy, but just because it SERIOUSLY pisses me off. Which is why I'm waiting for the boyfriend to come back! I made him promise to get his GPS fixed so we can hop around town without worries. I just hope I'm not putting too much hope in this. Heh. Hoping that I'm not HOPING too much, dizzy dizzy! xD He has the tendency to make promises he can't keep, no matter how much he tries. Not that he doesn't want to, but things just somehow get in his way, A LOT. So, it's hard NOT to feel disappointed and NOT to blame him for most of it. I have my fingers double crossed! We have so much planned for next month, and I just hope his parents would not push a load of responsibility on him, and just allow him to have a GOOD TIME OFF!

Things between us have been up & down. Our relationship boggles me. I have no idea how I can be so confused, yet so sure at the same time. One minute I'm secured, the next minute I'm drowning in insecurities. One minute I'm bloody sure of this, then I'll be questioning myself a million times in the next. I wish I didn't have to do this to him. Sometimes I feel, for his sake, this shouldn't go on any longer. But I know if we let go, we'll both fall apart. When you spend so much personal space with someone, it sticks. There are no simple steps to take it all back. It's like, giving a part of yourself to someone, and to take it back it requires ripping off a part of the other. I just fear sooo badly that giving that part of myself would change me. Change is necessary sometimes; for the better, he says. But I'm scared. In my past relationship I let myself go so much I could hardly recognise myself. Allowing that so called "other half" to tell me that I'm a coward and a fool for failing in the fight for our relationship. I concluded that we were no match for each other. And the blame game just proved it further. There is so much I wanna tell him, but I hate digging into that past. Because that past made me feel like a failure, although I do try to convince myself that deep down, it wasn't anyone's fault; we were just too different.

So that's my fear. Are we too different as well? Will this lead to the same past I've gone through? I know he wouldn't batter me up like the other did. But it still boils down to the same issue... Too different: a good thing or a bad thing? Is it the case of "opposite attracts" or "the clash of differences"? Every time we're happy or sad, I would question myself. Like last night, he made me feel so special & so loved, I questioned myself. And two weeks ago, he made me feel like he isn't giving me enough, I questioned myself. On and on again I question myself! It's exhausting, really... Sometimes I just wanna slap myself outta it, "Oh my god, you're such a friggin wreck!" I hate feeling all vulnerable. Relationships make me feel vulnerable, be it friendship or love. And when I feel vulnerable, hah, the questions come flooding in my cerebral!

That's why I need you home right now. Counting down the days till I'll see your face. I need to hold you right in front of me, and dig deep to find out what has been bothering me all these months. It's so difficult to do that when we're apart. So so so difficult! I just hope we don't get too carried away by the excitement of seeing each other again and lose sight of what's truly important. I'm soooo excited to have you come home, but at the same time, so so afraid! I tried to search your face as I was trying to fall asleep, but I couldn't find it. That image just wasn't there. Your presence was, but I was desperately seeking that familiar face. What if we meet, and we just don't recognise each other? Time apart changes a lot of things. I don't mean just physically, but also emotionally... And what if that causes our differences to stick out like a sore thumb?!

oh my god, you're such an emotional wreck...

I blame the darn caffeine. Kept me up all night and my silly thoughts kept me company. I really need to STOP thinking about it! Yeah, but this is just another case of easier said than done. We can't help what we feel or think right? I mean, no matter how hard we push certain thoughts outta our head, when it's just you and the darkness when the sun goes down, those thoughts will come running through like a bullet train! I guess the hardest part is keeping it together, preventing ourselves to fall apart due to the overload of thoughts and emotions!

This train of thoughts is about to be derailed...

Of Foreign Ventures

So it's been a while... The first week of 2011 is coming to an end within a split second. I've been rather busy lately. With uni, work and whatnots. Though I do try to squeeze meet-ups in between, but I realised an hour to it, I'm already feeling too lazy to budge. Nevertheless, I make it a point to show up because I know how it feels like to be stood up or canceled last minute. It ain't a fancy feeling...!

I'm EXTREMELY glad to say that I'm getting along pretty well with my classmates. I try communicating more in Mandarin/Cantonese. Although when I do, they don't understand immediately. I think it's my horrendous pronunciation, phonetics & tone. So, somehow I would have to revert back to simple English for them to understand what I was trying to say. It's like a Cantonese saying, "Kai tong ngap!" (I hope the spelling's right lol) means, like a chicken trying to communicate with a duck. Which can be VERY frustrating at times, but it definitely beats sitting at a far end corner, feeling lost in translation. I started asking questions that we BANANAS should ask, "What is (word) called in Chinese?" or "How do you say (English sentence) in Chinese?" And surprisingly, they are very patient with me, and are super willing to tell me. Although I do get laughed at for certain silly questions... But I guess that's inevitable because some ARE really silly. I shouldn't even be calling myself a Chinese, like really really really!

Some efforts paid off. Like the other day I said something totally funny to them in Cantonese, and they laughed their hearts out before two (hilarious) seconds of jaw-dropped expression. Funny as in a relevant humour, not a silly mistaken remark. Jaw-dropped cause they seriously thought I am totally illiterate in Chinese! So I ended that day with a self-pat on my back :D It was a huge encouragement really! Shows that being put in a class full of Chinese educated students isn't exactly a "sentence" but an opportunity to learn and meet different people of different views and opinions. I'm really starting to appreciate my situation. I guess it's not a BAD thing after all. And I feel extremely guilty for all the rantings I've done last year :s

They're really really nice people. I realised that Chinese educated students are more down-to-earth compared to those who attend Malay medium schools, and are Westernized by movies, television, internet and whatnots. I'm guilty as charged. And in other words, we're BITCHIER than them. Dare you deny that? We're more superficial and skeptical, in so many ways it's damaging to oneself and others. AND we're more corrupted too. So, being in their group (or almost, I HOPE) makes me feel somewhat carefree. I don't have to worry about backstabbing, scandals, two-face nature, judgement etc... Oh I must mention, it's partly because most of them are from different states like Perak, Johor and Sabah. These states consist mainly of small towns. So they're not corrupted by city issues. In my opinion, that feels like a clean slate no? I sometimes wish I came from a small town. Where ignorance is bliss! Where we don't have to be skeptical about other people, because they're genuinely good at heart. Whereas in the city, it's filled with lies, greed, deceit, sex, corruption and MONEY MONEY MONEY.

This is purely my opinion. I may have perceived it wrongly, or stereotyped Chinese educated people unintentionally... But I'm still trying to step out of my comfort zone, and reprogram what I think of these people. As I realise now, I have misunderstood most of them, and if I could turn back time, I would have tried harder not to fall into cliques (back in highschool) and consequently outcast those who we labeled as "Chinese-Ed" from our social circle. I guess the punishment I got was being placed in a class full of them. So now I gotta "do my time" by learning Chinese and making up to them. No complains. I'm guilty as charged, so I shall accept my punishment.

So far, 2011 has been filled with challenges! Not only am I gonna venture further into a course that's totally foreign to me, I have to adapt to a totally foreign environment and get to know new people, ALL AT ONCE. At times I feel like giving up and not bother, times like these I probably had lack of sleep the night before. And at times I feel pumped up and encouraged by new challenges. All in all, I'M TOTALLY KNACKERED BY IT! It's exhausting! PERIOD! ACCA is getting harder by the day. Thankfully some of my classmates offered to help me out, since I'm like a lost sheep there. Oh, God bless their souls! My competitive self has pushed me to self-study and figure it out on my own. But I guess it's time I learn to put my guard (*echoes* EGO EGO EGO) down and start asking for help :D

It has only been a week, and so much has happened. New things to absorb and adapt. It's like, my mind is filled with things most of the time. I even dream of uncompleted stuff in the middle of my sleep. I met new people. Pushed myself to ask about Sunway's Student Council, even when it's not publicly announced yet. Boy, they must think that I'm such an enthusiast, in an annoying way that is! Had lunch with my Tanzanian friend yesterday. Oh, I realised. I mistakenly addressed TANZANIA as TASMANIA in my previous post xD Learned A LOT about the culture in Tanzania. AMAZING I must say. As I listen to his stories, I feel like I've been living in a shell. Learned more about his religion, he's a Muslim. Finally knew why most women in the Middle-East wear a Burqa, the clothing they wear to cover their entire body except their eyes. And why men were not allowed to even glance at women over there... Quoting him, "Because it all starts with the eyes..." *says cheekily* My conclusion: Men are sexual beasts, THAT'S WHY! LOL. Learned a whole lot about the food they have there, that's the best part YUM! He's gonna bring something for us to try tomorrow. I'm excited! And I just realised something. My last year's wish, that I've long forgotten, has been granted. I have an African friend! :D Although he's half African half Arabic. Ah what the heck, WISH GRANTED! TEEHEE :D

I simply LOVE LOVE LOVE learning about new culture! Listening to his stories is fueling my desire to travel. Like, seriously! I would kill for the opportunity to travel! I'm dying to travel. DESPERATELY hoping for a bird to lift me away to a foreign land... So, the sole reason why I just can't die now is that I haven't seen enough. There are hundreds of places I wanna visit, before I can die peacefully! And I've recently added Tanzania, Saudi Arabia, Oman, Dubai and Abu Dhabi to my list :D I shall make a post on places to travel one day. If I have the time... That's another task on my to-do list. Shit, Steph, you need to stop making ridiculously long lists that you can never complete!!!

Btw, I found out that quite a number of you readers read my previous post, from beginning till the end. Honestly, I never expected anyone to read the entire thing, because it's sooooo long. But I really appreciate it. Although I do feel a little embarrassed that you now know a lot of personal things about me, but well I should have expected that since this is a public portal after all. I don't really know what else to say, but Thank You for reading it. Somehow it matters to me that people actually bothered to read. This feeling really urges me to blog more :) It's a really good feeling to say the least.

over & out :)

Like An Unending Scroll

Happy New Year peeps!

I know, I'm a day late. Was busy catching up with sleep yesterday. I was awake for 26 hours the day before. Crazy stunt I gotta say. Totally messed up my internal clock. Been having naps during the day, and waking up really late in the morning :/ So, my first new year's resolution for 2011 is to get enough sleep by tomorrow. First class on Tuesday, can't afford to doze off, it's LAW! Eeeps! Jeepers! I'm excited though. Can't wait to do law. It'll be totally new for me. Though I have friends warning me otherwise, I think I'll enjoy it somehow :D

Let's do a post-mortem on 2010 :D

Boy, 2010 was a really rough year. Half of it at least.

The year started off pretty alright. The first 6 months were spent getting to know fellow A-Level coursemates better by camping out in the library. I miss those days. Used to have lunch with people like Mun Wai, Nutty, Charmaine, Tarsha and Tze Huey. Those were the usual bunch. After a tough morning burrying ourselves in books, we would just go hunting for each other, exchanging nods as a sign of "Let's go fill our tummys!" And off we went to places like Rock Cafe (aka Medan) or even as far as Pyramid for Carl's Jr, Wendy's etc. Of course, the boyfriend was always there. We spent everyday together. I'm surprised that we didn't get sick of each other. Wait, at one point we did. That's when all the arguments happened, but we went way past that, thankfully. Anyways, I wouldn't know Mun Wai that well if it wasn't for those lunch sessions :D So, *cheers* to that Munboy! Another major highlight was patching things up with Jean. One of the best things that happened in 2010. I'm so glad we made it through :) much love, Jean babe :)

The boyfriend and I got a lot closer thanks to those countless library sessions as well. Imagine, spending time from 8am to 9.30pm, everyday for the last 2 months before A2 exams. Till now I'm surprised we didn't lash out on each other during our arguments. I don't even see my parents that many hours a day xD But instead, it drew us closer. In many ways. We truly became good friends, aside from strengthening our BGR. We saw each other's ugly side. Especially during those dark times of stress & frustrations. We struggled through together. I cried on his shoulder when I was on the verge of giving up. And he growled in front of me (thankfully not AT me) when he was on the verge of ripping of notes & past year question papers. It was melodramatic to say the least. But I don't think we will know each other as well, if it wasn't for all that :)

Things took a turn after A2 exams ended. Maybe it's karma for enjoying too much? I don't know really, but it took a really NASTY turn. It's like, good things came to an end after graduation. Seems like I was doomed to darkness after A Levels officially ended. First hurdle was applying to study a degree in the United Kingdom. I placed so much of hope that when it didn't turn out, I was devastated. Okay, that's actually an understatement. I was BEYOND devastated. The fact that I got an offer to study where I wanted, but couldn't accept it due to financial, was just aggravating! Though my first choice was London School of Economics, but I wasn't counting on it because they wanted an A for Further Maths, and I came out with a D. Lol. PHAIL much? xD I was starting to take that subject for granted. Lost the courage & strength to do it after Dec of 2009. So I pretty much slacked when it came to F Maths & started convincing myself that I'm just taking it for leisure. But when exams came, I realised how badly I wanted to do well in it, but it was in fact WAY TOO LATE. I guess my only regret from A Levels, was not trying hard enough for that subject. It could have been alright if I actually did the countless work my lecturers gave me. But what's done is done. At least I excelled in other subjects, enough to overshadow the big fat D! Further maths aside, Heriot Watt decided to take me in. But unfortunately, it's still in the UK, exchange rate x 5 = IMPOSSIBLE.

I would take this opportunity to say this, I don't blame anyone NOW (well, I previously took it out on everyone! will get to that). My parents took it the wrong way when I burst into tears when reality sank in, and I knew I would be stuck here in Malaysia. Although my parents couldn't afford my education, I would never in a million years blame them for that. It broke my heart when they thought that was the case. My dad actually came to me, looking all defeated, and said he'll dig his pension fund if he needs to. That was when I stopped crying about it. I knew the UK just wasn't for me at this point. And I gotta stop being so devastated (physically at least) so my parents would stop beating themselves about it. What I'm trying to say is that I am thankful that I'm still getting the education that I NEEDED, although it's not exactly what I WANTED, but life's like that. We don't always get what we want, but what we need is what matters the most. And my parents provided me with their best, and I'm eternally grateful for that. So, I'm not giving up just yet. And note to those who are as devastated, keep your heads up high. Never take it out on your parents, or anyone else in that case, because it's all on YOU.

Anyways, back to the part where I said I took it out on almost EVERYONE. First I took it out on myself. I can't remember why, but yeah I did. To the point where I hated being myself. Like, why can't I be someone else who's fortunate enough to have that opportunity. Then I took it out on Fate. Poor, Fate. How much I cursed Fate beyond any measures. Then I took it out on the Malaysian Government. I applied for countless scholarships, and none prevailed. Asked for a loan, but that didn't turn out either. Lastly (the breaking point), I took it out on my fortunate friends who would be flying to UK. For two main reasons, being luckier than I am, and for leaving me. Let me tell you something, ENVY is the most horrible feeling in the world. It takes a toll on you. And it shadows everything else that matters. I was showered with dread & unhappiness. No wonder it's one of the Seven Deadly Sins. You know it's SO SO SO WRONG when seeing other people's happiness makes you unhappy. It was till two weeks ago, did I realise, it has gotta stop! I'm willing to admit this now, because I'm glad to say I'm so over it. But it was dreadful... And SHAMEFUL, really. I'm suppose to be happy for my friends, but I just couldn't find the place in my heart for that because I was clouded with envy & jealousy! I told no one about this, besides the boyfriend of course. But some close friends realised I think. Only Munboy confronted me about it. I guess that was a good punch in the face, though it wasn't hard enough for me to snap outta it. Till Dec somehow. I don't know who, what, how or why, I finally snapped outta it. That was a dark time nevertheless. Envy stole my happiness and gave me many sleepless nights that lasted for months. Envy brought along friends like Jealousy, Hatred & the worst one of all, Loneliness.

I like how Elizabeth Gilbert described Loneliness as a person. Indeed it feels like a person! Because I could sense its presence. Like it was watching me as I tried to fall asleep. Or when I logged onto Facebook, it felt like Loneliness (gonna refer to it as L from this point forward) was sitting right next to me sniggering, "Hah. These people don't care about you. Why do you bother? They're having the time of their lives abroad. You're erased off the picture!" That's when I slowly disappeared from FB. Only recently I stopped looking at wall messages & news feed COMPLETELY. Because L went over the edge & almost got my life wasted. Oh yes, L caused a lot of things. Lots of unthinkable things. But I shall not elaborate on that. Anyways, L became more distinctive when everyone else left to study abroad. The boyfriend was one of the firsts to leave. L's status was promoted from an acquaintance to a good friend, with constant night visits. Then close buddies flew off as well. L grew to become a family friend with lots of lingering around day & night. L hung around so much that I got so used to it, it didn't matter. I allowed L to rule my life for the next 6 months. Our "relationship" grew stronger than mine with the boyfriend. Because L never left & was there 24-7!

So as September came to an end, my ACCA course commenced. That's when it got worse. I barely made any friends. There was one girl, that I managed to get close to. Then she had to fly back to Sabah to get married. I was alone. Everyone else spoke Chinese. The one thing I feared most when trying to meet people: being lost in translation. Okay, maybe that was just a tiny hurdle, but I felt like we're from different worlds. The fact that we are Malaysians, yet we have different mind set, made it seem more foreign than when introduced to a complete foreigner. They talk about K-pop a lot, an acquired taste I might say. Because I tried listening to K-pop, but failed badly. Not my cup of tea, at all! So I practically zone out when they converse about that. And they laugh about stuff I do not understand, partly due to Chinese idioms & puns. The worst part of all, our class is divided into BOYS & GIRLS. There's like a Jordan River between us. The guys would crowd at one side, and the girls at the other. For a person who could hang out better with guys than girls, I was mortified! It was a total change! And I found it so hard to adapt. Not that the language barrier wasn't a big enough problem already. They are good people, I believe. Nice & sincere people. But it is due to my shortcomings that I couldn't fit in. I wish I knew Chinese. Or understood Chinese educated people better. So right now, my only friend (when I say friend, I mean a person whom I've spoken about the most BASIC of personal things to before) is a GUY from TASMANIA. So why caps GUY & TASMANIA you ask? Guy: after all these years of unavoidable conflicts with fellow girlfriends, I carried the fear of getting close to a girl with me, so yeah. Tasmania: this proves my point above, that foreigners became more relatable to me than fellow Chinese peeps.

While all these was happening, L was enjoying it with popcorn & candy in hand. Oh, L had a great laugh. He was eating up my happiness & optimism, as I grew more dreadful than ever. After every class, I would flee ASAP like as though the apocalypse was gonna sweep right through us at that very instant. I was scared. Like a lost sheep in a barn. So scared, I dreaded every class. And L would beg me for more personal sessions every time that happened. Yet, I'm proud to say, I didn't miss a single class. I knew I had to take a break from L. And if it takes sitting feeling solitary in class, at least I got full satisfaction from learning something new. Of course, after which L would greet me in full enthusiasm & I succumbed to it... During the next 3 months, L became my partner in life, or it seemed to be. L would greet me as I wake up & tug me into bed as the clock ticks till wee hours in the morning. L would flood my thoughts as I try to enjoy my daily breakfast, lunch & dinner. Even my mom realised I grew distant during dinner time. She always say sarcastically, "Your body's here to get its much needed fuel, but your mind has drifted some place else..." She was right. I was actually on my usual dates with L, when it would replay my entire day, BLEAKLY. My rice portion was cut in half, because I could digest no more than that. I would try to eat as much as I can during dinner, because of fear of having to get up for supper. Knowing that would keep me awake long enough for L to take advantage of it. So to say that my appetite went down the drain, wouldn't be accurate. It was inconsistent, that's the most I can explain.

So I lost weight. Also due to the fact that I transition from a social smoker to a pre-chain one. I know this would sound completely stupid, but smoking helps me calm my nerves. It takes my mind off things. But there's another main reason to it all... Now I hope this wouldn't throw you off your seat... Smoking is a way to bring me closer to death each day. As I take each puff, I was in deep hopes that it would end my life. Because I couldn't bear living a life like this for at least 6 more decades. So at least smoking would cut that in half. Which felt like a good start actually. It's funny really. As in, odd funny, not haha funny of course. One thing I gotta thank L for, it made me lose my fear of death. Suddenly death didn't seem like such a bad thing after all. Actually, death became a gift. Living was the difficult task. And death was the happy ending. I finally understood why people took their own lives. Because death was suddenly a good thing. Living was like a life sentence. Smoking wasn't the only thing I've thought about in fact. There are many many other countless thoughts. But I'm very reluctant to dig through that. Those were the demons of my dark times. And my constant fear till this very day. My own thoughts became my ultimate nightmare.

So yeah. That lingered on for three months. Quietly slithering through my head as I walked about the days feeling trapped in a limbo. Bare & numb. Unable to enjoy the simple beauties of life. Unhappy & self-loathing. I shudder at the very thought of it right now. The only thing that stayed strong through it all was my relationship with TY. That was somehow unshakable. I don't know why, really. The fact that he held on strong, as I was falling apart. Or the fact that I didn't show any of this to him, at least not entirely. But he was there as I bawled my eyes out. He was there as I stared blankly at the ceiling, wishing it would come crashing down on me. He was there as I felt hollow & empty. He was constantly (though not ALWAYS) there, not physically, but emotionally. And when he was there, L was far from sight (thought to be exact). Perhaps it's not too much to say that, he pretty much kept me sane. Or cured my pain temporarily. But when he hangs up the phone, L would pin me down, placing all pressure on my chest, preventing me from falling asleep. But at least I have used every ounce of tears when I was on the phone, that I have nothing left for L. So there I was, staring at the ceiling, as L laid next to me on my soaked pillow, going through our usual conversations...

It was December 19th at wee hours in the morning, when I realised L went missing. I don't know how & I don't know why. L just disappeared... It came back again the following day and a week later, but didn't stay long like it used to. Until today, I'm trying to figure out, HOW? So that if it ever decided to stay for another vacation, I would know how to say "NO, dude, go find some place else!" I'm still working on that. For now, L is gone. It feels like a dark cloud just flew away, and I can feel the warmth of the sun. I start seeing fresh flowers everywhere. Sweet scents started flooding my airway. I felt new. I know this might sound absurd, but really I'm not bullshitting you xD I've been researching about this okay, and when I do get the answers I'm looking for, I'll share. But for now I'm clueless as to HOW WHY OR WHAT, but I'm so glad L is gone. I'm pretty sure it's not for good. We had such a "relationship", it's bound to come back. Till then, I'm savouring every minute of it :D It left just in time for Christmas, or maybe it was Christmas. Partly the fact that I had a list for Christmas shopping, made me feel less lonely. I bet L hates Christmas. Maybe I was exhausted from feeling dreadful & bitter. Or maybe L is taking a break? I don't know. I don't really care, as long as it stays away long enough for me to find a way to say NO.

Things fell into place perfectly till New Year's Eve. It was a little crazy & odd in many ways, but it was a start of a new year. I'm really looking forward to this year. Class starts of Tuesday. And I promised myself to try harder with my current peers. We'll be seeing each other more often than the previous semester, so hopefully things will work out. I'm planning to join Sunway Student Council to meet more people. Partly because I miss ALSCO so much, and I'm hoping to find something similar. And I need that as a consolation if everything else fails with my classmates. I'm planning to do something about my passion in music. I spoke to Kent at the NYE house party (in a semi-drunk mode) spilling how badly I'm waiting for an opportunity to do that. Kent has a band of his own (Ice T) and he does gigs at various events. I wanna do something like do. Or at least create an outlet for my interest. So, step 1: get a new guitar (old one sounds pathetic somehow). Step 2: gather the courage to upload covers on YouTube, that I've been telling myself to do for the past year. Actually it was one of my 2010 resolution, but yeah it didn't happen. Step 3: dig out all the past songs I've written & really do something about it. I think a year should be enough for that one resolution alone right? Oh I do hope so. Besides that, I have tonnes of books to read!! OMG. I don't think I can ever finish them. Yet, I still have the compulsion to get MORE MORE MORE xD

So, that's it for a post-mortem. SALUTE to you if you actually read everything! Haha. As usual, I couldn't help myself. But I guess it's a good way to start the new year, for the blog I mean. Laying past demons & fears. Really recognising it as the past. And putting it all behind me...

I shall end this post by a quote that has really helped me through all the dark times...

Baby steps... All it takes are baby steps.

with love,

Stephay