Sunday, April 03, 2011

Till We Meet Again

post no 360

this shall be my goodbye post.
i'm temporarily shutting this blog down.
in other words, i will no longer update anymore.
i might not be completely abandoning this,
way too much memories & time spent here.
but i won't be blogging about my personal life anymore.
i realise that i have been using this as an outlet,
to express my feelings.
but instead of helping myself, i've been burying myself deeper
so deep into a pithole, dark and frightening.
blogging does help me ease the pain temporarily
but because of that, i forget to deal with it in reality.
in the end, i hurt those who read these,
because i never approached them directly.
for that i'm sorry, and i shall learn from my mistakes.

i am truly sorry to YOU especially.
you know who you are.
i wish i could turn back time and told you from the beginning
how i felt deep inside
instead, i buried it, and blogged about it...
subconsciously hoping you would read it.
and you did, but more damage was done than good.
i am so sorry.
i can't take it back, but i can fix this.

blogging is never a way to escape.
lesson learned.
if you have an issue with someone,
talk to him/her
tell him/her
express it to him/her
writing it out here will never help.
the healing is temporary.
and a bigger wound would be dealt with later.

am taking a break from everything.
to change things.
to grow.
to make sure i don't make the same mistakes.
to make sure i can be a better person.
a better person to the people i care about.
and to never hurt them again.

this has been my secret hideout.
an escape realm.
thinking words of expression will solve the problem.
problem not solved.
but problem spotted.

a big thanks to everyone that has been following my space,
so faithfully although there's a lot of bullshit sometimes.
as much as i will miss blogging,
i think i need to put a stop to it.
i will try to channel my passion for writing some place else.
something less personal and damaging.

i don't have the heart to delete this space.
so it shall remain here, as a memory.
a part of me that has to come to a halt.
for now.

am taking a break
am taking a step
for a change.

lots of love,

Sunday, March 13, 2011

Empty Caresses In Darkness

Just when I thought I'm lost & all alone, people amaze me.
I've been burrying myself in work, hoping to cut off...
Except occasional meet ups, just so that I'm not completely outta it.
I'm glad those little moments, amazed me.
I'm glad to know that no matter how some may seem busy with their lives,
I can always buzz em up whenever...
And I'm super glad I've finally found someone who's in a similar situation as I am.
We're never alone. We just gotta find someone to relate to.
Then, help each other out...

And I'm glad I always have You.
You'll never forsake me.
You're always there.
Through thick and thin,
I can always turn around,
to find you there...
With hands stretched out wide,
so I could fall in your arms.

Through tough times...
Self-induced or not...
You need people to constantly remind you...
You're not alone.

Friday, March 04, 2011

Beating of Four Chambers

so what's the worst feeling you felt in the world?
i just found mine.
ever felt a heartache so bad you can't even breathe?
like the four chamber walls just constricted,
like it's gonna choke you out of your life.
that pang of pain in your chest...
the more you try to fight back the tears,
the harder it gets for the pain to go away.
and when you do finally release those tears,
you find that you can't breathe from all the sobbing.
your hands clench the side of your mattress,
or jabbing em into your pillow,
barricading the sound from flooding the silent night.
this goes on for the next few mins, that feels like forever.
and when it comes to a sudden stop....
you recollect yourself, wipe your tears dry,
clear your nasal area, and take a long deep breath.
you come out feeling like a trainwreck,
and you ask yourself... "WHAT THE HELL JUST HAPPENED?"

i fear each day that passes by...
because as each day pass by we're getting more distant.
when that huge hurdle comes up again...
it's week one, and it seems like it's heading that way again.
but this time it's different... because i don't doubt how i feel...
at least not as much as before.
have you ever had someone, but somehow feel like you never did?
or that it's not gonna be for long, somehow?
i don't know why i'm feeling that way.
and this new found fear that it's gonna be a struggle again,
kills me... it really really kills me...

i fucking hate LDR.
i might answer with a smile, or a light cynical laughter,
when people ask me, "how is the LDR maaan?"
"yeah it's tough. but we manage. somehow."
when i just wanna scream out loud...
and i still don't believe in it.
i'm all on board volunteerily for the relationship...
but this whole long distance bullshit... sigh.
that's just like icing made out of poop,
on a scrumptious chocolate cake.

i hope you know how much you mean to me,
till i'm willing to put up with all of this.
because i know for sure...
i don't wanna lose you.
i really don't.

Wednesday, March 02, 2011

Changes Bring New Possibilities

Been having exhausting days. It's never a good idea to study last min... Like no one knows that already -.- But I've been LAZY. Kinda tired of studying. Prolly wasn't the smartest idea to take up a professional course that's 100% focused on examination. I miss having projects and activities. Missing ALSCO particularly. Sometimes I unconsciously ask myself if I've got any event tasks undone, or any musical rehearsals to attend. Then I realise, that's all over. It broke my heart when I found out Kingsley is putting musical on hold. Was really hoping to rejoin the group, miss it soooo dearly. But oh well, I guess this is part of moving on, and exploring new things. Am waiting for my first Leader's meeting. Oh, did I mention, I made the cut? Got invited on the team right after the interview, which has NEVER happened to me. And I have been through a good number of interviews, it's a good feeling. Am really waiting to be out there again. It's been a loooooong while since I've organised something, and I can't wait to get down to it. I just wish my peers are as enthusiastic as I am. Whenever I ask if they would like to join this, this and this, they would be like "Er... No, no and NO." Perhaps I'm a tad bit too enthusiastic. But oh well, that's the fun of it (:

Social life has been slowing down. After the boyfriend returned to India, I realised how exhausted I was. Been working so hard for the past 3 weeks to meet up with him as often as possible, and meet up with the few who were leaving to NZ, Aus & Singapore. I actually missed meeting Nick Liang before he left, which I felt sooooo bad! So, it's been tiring. Both physically & mentally. Physically: trying to find time & plan something which suits both parties; Emotionally: to say goodbye and not meeting again for a long while. Plus, going out with people makes me broke. I'm not the thriftiest person on Earth, to say the least. Let's just say if there's a juicy piece of steak on the menu staring right back at me and it's no more than 50 bucks, I'll nab it. I'm a sucker for luxurious food. I rather spend big bucks on food than anything else. That attitude eats up on me by the middle of the month and I'll realise "oh fuck, I'm running beyond low..." So yeah... You need money to have a great social life, thus it disappears with your money xD

But I managed to find a job. Well, actually my mom found me a job. Nothing confirmed yet, but if it actually works out, I can finally save up to travel. I have Singapore, Krabi & Kota Kinabalu on my list. Already mentally planning out to travel to S'pore with Bel love in July. And hoping hoping DESPERATELY hoping to climb Mount Kinabalu. Yes, I know... That's a lil too ambitious. But I can't help it. I might die tomorrow... And one of my regrets will be not having the chance to climb that friggin mountain. So yes, it HAS TO BE DONE! Krabi has been on the list for ages. Planned with Bryan & Davy a couple of times, but never seem to work. Why? LACK OF CASH THAT'S WHY? No, I don't think asking from parents would be a very good idea... So there you go, my ambitious plans for 2011. Fingers crossed!

I better start studying for tomorrow's paper. The toughest of the lot... Seems like no proper sleep AGAIN tonight!


Tuesday, March 01, 2011

Escape You

why do i feel the need to escape you?
perhaps i can't keep up...
or perhaps i need a break...
or maybe, just maybe, you make me feel like i'm not good enough...
purely because i just can't keep up...

just like what she said...
you're too intense.

Monday, February 28, 2011

Seriously, anon?

i'm supposed to be asleep right now... but something is seriously bothering me. had a random conversation with a friend today. we were talking about random stuff, off the roof just to kill each other's boredom. then it somehow came to the topic of random things we've done. suddenly i was shot at with a statement, "yeah i've heard you've done pretty nasty stuff..." whaaaat?! i didn't take it too seriously at first, till much later into the conversation i found out she was serious. so here's the thing, we're not very close, and i didn't wanna seem like i was soooo eager to know what kinda rumour she has heard (in actually fact i'm DEAD curious). so i tried digging, unsuspisciously. turns out i'm being stabbed in the back just like the old days of immature highschool dramas. the best part is... i don't even know that person! yes, i know you might be thinkin, that person probably mistaken me as someone else. but apparently she got her so called "facts" right...

this kinda thing really pisses me off. to be judged by other people who know nuts about what's going on in my life. the stuff she said was ten time nastier than anyone can define NASTY. i don't wanna bring it up, it's just too aggravating. it really boggles me... where on earth did she get that kinda idea? to totally sum me up as a totally different person... to top it all off, to tell my acquaintances about all these false information? i mean, come on... get your facts right! and OHMYGOD don't you have better things to do than defame me? i'm just a single tiny little speck, like leave me the fuck alone. i don't even fucking know you!

it's funny why she would wanna pick on me, for whatever reason. not that i'm a total notorious prick who has lots to shout and scream about. compared too many other wild individuals/party animals/social whores/crack sniffers and whatnots, i'm practically the most boring person you can ever find! in terms of JUICY SCANDALS that is... so why me really? what have i done to rub your edges so hard, you wanna falsify facts about me? if i've offended you, by all means, do what you want. but i'm pretty sure i've been under the radar when it comes to drama. been avoiding it for the past year, and pretty successful about it. so i'm pretty darn sure i've offended no one.

so ms anonymous here has entered my life with her silly doings. i tried acting like i don't give a fuck, but deep down it bothers me. can't really help it i guess. been on goodlists for a long time now, i don't see why i'm a bad apple in someone's eyes now :p thankfully the people who she tried to turn against me know better. and i'm glad i found out about this, although i'm gonna be dead curious for the next few days trying to find out what her darn problem is. but i shouldn't. i should ignore this. like what ben said, "since she's anon, why bother...?" good point. i just hope it doesn't taint people's impression on me, before they even get to know me. that would definitely piss me off! fingers crossed that it'll just BLOW OVER.

for God's sake, ms anon, find something better to do with your life. you're not in highschool anymore! grow up!

up yours!

Saturday, February 26, 2011

Here We Go Again...

Back from a hiatus! I know... It has been a while. Okay, nearly a month. But I've been busy. Barely had enough time for myself, what more blog about it. The boyfriend came back for three weeks. The previous, extremely distraught, post was because he broke his promise that we'll meet up for an important chat immediately when he comes back (due to unforeseen circumstances; his words). Let's just say I was so confused at that moment, I needed that conversation, face to face. Although we did get a chance to have a not-so-decent & tear-filled conversation through the darn phone, we managed to pull through. And I have to say, the past three weeks were blissful. Okay, perhaps not COMPLETELY, but close enough. I needed that so badly, and thankfully I got it. I think back about it now and wonder why I had those doubts. Perhaps the answer to that question will come pounding on my cerebral down the line since he has gone back to India and we are to resume the very torturous LDR. God, I HATE that term -.-

Back to square one.

Why did I get myself involved in this? Sigh... If you asked, is it worth it? Dead honestly, I don't know... He's great and all, but I haven't thought much of myself ever since I got into a relationship. I think it's really important to keep intact with what YOU want in life, before segregating it with what the OTHER half wants as well. That has been happening. And I kinda forgot how to put myself first. I find it tougher to be selfish than to be selfless nowadays. Is that love then? When you're with someone, and you choose to be completely selfless? Does that mean you're IN LOVE with that person? Gee... If it is, isn't it a tad bit morbid? To sacrifice your wants to get what you need. Bah, what do I know about what I WANT anyways. I've been facing an identity crisis for half my life, I NEVER know what I WANT. One minute I wanna be outrageous, the next minute I wish everything was planned out as clear as a freeway...

Maybe I'm bipolar? Or maybe I'm just crazy? I swear at one point when the boyfriend sorta asked me to stop thinking CRAZY, when we were arguing on the phone, I felt the blood in my cheeks flare up like a volcanic eruption was about to take place! I yelled, "Stop talking like as though I'm crazy. I'M NOT CRAZY!" So I was angry at first, then I thought... Maybe he's right. I am fucking crazy. A simple girl wouldn't think about all these insane stuff that could potentially drown the relationship. A simple girl would be fucking contented with everything she has, and trust me it's a lot a girl can WANT. A simple girl would be happy. Period.

But I guess I'm NOT a simple girl after all. Never been, and never will be. Being simple is a gift. Having a boxed-mind like em' ignorant guys is a gift. IGNORANCE IS A FUCKING GIFT. What one does not need is a voice in his/her head that keeps talking and talking and talking and TALKING! You can never make that voice shut up, the only way is to drown that voice with screams of your own. That's when arguments will keep flowing through. And you need to hope with all your might that the other person will stand by your side strongly...

That's what he did. I gotta give him credit for not giving up. I would break up with me. Maaaaan, if I was a dude, I wouldn't date me. Too much mental work. I exhaust myself. It bewilders me how a simple guy like him can manage a psycho bitch like me. The only complains I ever had from him, regarding all of this, is "You're too fucking complicated..." Of course he did once asked me to "stop torturing me emotionally like this..." We BOTH exhausted each other out. Oh boy, I wish I could say that happened physically :p but no, mentally & emotionally exhausting...!

Sometimes I wonder if I would be better alone, at this point in my life. Save him the trouble. Save myself from all the torturous thoughts. Save us from such a wreck. But I guess both of us rather go through all that than being alone. Am not sure if that's a good thing... Which is why reading "Eat, Pray, Love" scares me. It makes me ponder more about our relationship. I guess that's why I kinda stopped halfway :/ Problem is, I'm David and he's Liz. He needs me to be there 100% emotionally. But the more he needs it, the more I feel like scurrying away. I'm not sure what's wrong with me. A friend once asked, "Is it the fact that you're NOT THAT INTO HIM?" I can gladly answer, NO. I am into him. Although I still think we're not COMPLETELY compatible. But yes, I am into him. But the relationship as a whole scares me... There's only so much of myself that I can give. Because I fear that I'm losing myself as I dive deeper and deeper into the relationship...

Anyhooooooo... I had NO thoughts whatsoever, on these throughout the three weeks we spent together. We promised to take things slowly, with less pressure & just enjoy each other's company. Or at least that's what he promised me. To give me the liberty to find my pace in this relationship. I am not ready for the commitment. That does not mean I wish to pounce around, dating some random guys. Neither does it mean I want a couple of flings before settling down with a serious relationship. It simply means I am not ready to give my full self & commit EVERYTHING to ONE person. I'm just not ready. It's too scary for me. I need to FIND myself first. Find out who I truly am. What I really want in life. And what kinda person I wish to be. To DEFINE myself. I'm in progress. So far, I like what I've seen. I might not enjoy it (the whole emotional wreck part), but I'm glad of who I am. God created me this way, so I don't see any other way to live it.

Which is why I think... He's a keeper. He's been there, through thick and thin. He's been patient. Albeit the lack of security I've given him, he's still here. Without a doubt I know, he's always there. I mean, come on, if a guy can stick around, through your crazy moments, he's a keeper. I just hope things won't fall back to those wrecked up days when I feel like we're not meant to be. Because those 3 weeks felt so right, I wish it would stay that way. That's why LDR is so darn hard! It shadows things. It shadows feelings. And the worst part, it shadows memories. His return was so important to ignite those memories we had before he left. The great times we spent together. I almost forgot how much fun we used to have. All the silly, random & spontaneous things we would do. We took a day trip up to Genting just for fun the other day. It reminded me why I decided to plunge into this relationship in the first place. We enjoy each other's company...

Ah I hope this will last for the next 5 months... God, I'm fucking terrified! *fingers crossed* We're taking a dive from a 50 feet cliff. Let the journey be as exhilarating as EVER! (: