That Inevitable Line

Had a horrendous 8am class today. Physic's lecturer totally had an outburst at us. Kinda made the rest of the day a little solemn. I got rather upset about what he said. Felt a hard pinch. Maybe cause I thought we were friends. After all the hours spent in musical. All his expectations I tried to fulfill, and I would daresay I achieved half of what was intended. After all the personal matters between the boyfriend and I was shared with him... And he even stretched an arm of friendship to us. And all of a sudden just because part of the class was unsettled and was a tad bit noisy with slight chatters, he got seriously ticked off and accused ALL of us for taking advantage of him. I totally get why he was so pissed off... We were kinda out of line. But not ALL of us. But like the previous issue. ALL of us got hit. When he said "I have no friends in this intake and don't greet me, or talk to me, or even smile when you pass by. Just finish your damn work." Not the exact quote, but something like that. It was an ouch for me somehow. No one else thought about it that way. Boyfriend is barely affected because he thinks that's how he handle things and doesn't really mean what he says. But well I think harsh things like that shouldn't be mentioned if you don't mean it. I mean, it's better not to let the tongue slip than to apologise about it when the damage is done...

Anyhow, I don't know why I feel affected and upset about this. He always said he never allows his 'lecturer' status to prevent students from having a friendship bond with him. Seems like that's inevitable. There will always be that barrier. And I guess that's why I feel this is somewhat like an issue to me. Ah well, lately I've been a little easily affected by the way people react to certain things. I realised that some wounds do linger and it doesn't really go away. Some wounds were further severed and I doubt it'll ever be healed. Everyday I'm challenged to view people differently. Friends come and go. Closer friends find it easier to step outta the door. And the only way I can ever protect myself, is to let go.

Quoting Mun Wai : "Ya know, when an argument happens with a CLOSE (or was it best? xD) friend, it hurts like SHYTE!"

You said it! So I guess I'm gonna try to avoid whatever it is. Kinda tired of his hot and cold treatment all the time. Now I'm thinking whether to stay on with Musical. After what happened today, I feel rather odd to even look at him. He took things too personally, and made it personal for others. Well, as far as I know, only I took whatever he said personally. Maybe that's what you get for caring too much.

It hurts to CARE.
Ignorance is truly BLISS!

Just wanna look beyond the horizon of a different view.
Wonder how it feels like to drown in that ocean...

Thanks For the Apples

Title above quoting Ming Wai, "I'm thankful for the apples!"

Was mostly shocked than delighted, but above all : Extremely thankful! I have to thank the BIG guy above the most! Am truly blessed, and I feel foolish for not realising it. To say "hard work" paid off would be an overstatement, cause I truly got more than I deserved. But this is such a great encouragement for me to work harder. Nothing's impossible, and you just gotta have faith.

Well, in case you're wondering what gibberish am I blabbering about, my AS results came out yesterday. And obviously, I'm extremely contented. For now I have the pre-requirements to enter Heriot Watt, which I've been wishing for. Just gotta aim to complete the other half of it. It would be much tougher, but the satisfying results will definitely be worth it. And I can definitely see that now.

Even my mom was shocked when I called her in delight. Thinkin I partied too much the last year, she half expected me to come home welled up in tears. So glad to prove her wrong! I was actually so doubtful to the fact that I actually saw my results from my lecturer already but didn't realise that it was my full results. Thinkin' that it was a breakdown for my Mathematics paper, I just went "oh yay, one down 3 more to go..." and walked off. No wonder he gave me a strange look. Technically, sweetheart found out my results before I did. Because I was so blurr and was totally shoving off every lecturer who was tugging at me to check my results. Turns out they already found out first thing in the morning. No wonder they were so persistent.

Anyhooo... I really gotta thank God for his blessings. Life has been tough lately, both emotionally and spiritually. And I'm so glad that he never fails to care... Been in the dark for a long time now, and this is such a bright shine down.

Oh well, time to work extra hard to achieve that other half. 3 more months 3 more months 3 more MONTHS! It's gonna fly by in a jiffy! Eeek. Scares the shit outta me to even think about it!

~toodles

Heart of Longing

I've been dreaming and craving and wishing and hoping and wanting...

To head over to...

Heriot Watt, Edinburgh, Scotland

The campus

The scenery

The town

Doesn't it look magical? Studying there would feel more like a vacation! *swooooooon*



To have and to own...

Gibson J-45, solid rosewood


Les Paul Gibson BFG, in Heritage Cherry
UBER SEXY!


Or just a simpleton, The Concert by La Patrie will do...



To use luxuriously....

The EOS Rebel T1i EF-S 18-55mm IS Kit by Canon


The unaffordable, EOS 5D Mark II by Canon


After using Mun-Boy's auntie's DSLR, I'm hooked! Shall start saving the ka-ching!


And of course, we can't forget the ever mouth-watering...

Godiva's Legacy Truffles


With a hotttt cup of Baileys Coffee...


If I have all those, I can die early *swoooooon*
Oh, the heart of greed. I'll be damned...


May tomorrow bring a string of good news...
Oh please please please please :D

So Close Yet So Far

I'm grateful and indescribably glad!
So far I have two conditional offers from the UK. Got the one I really wanted. Heriot-Watt in Scotland! Omg I would die to go there. It's effing beautiful! Now all I need are good results, approval and of course KA-CHING! That's the toughest part. *crosses fingers and toes* A little too soon to have high hopes. But I'm just over the moon! :)

Guess I'll find out on Monday if my results actually made the cut. EEK!

there's always a silver lining, you just gotta stay positive.
am not all lost of hope on people :)

Deliciously Stringy?

Quote : If life's bitter... I'm here to be your honey :)

Boyfriend is somehow expanding his collection of cheesy one-liners. Should I actually be proud?
Haha... Okay lah. Very shweet... I shouldn't be complaining so much :D Forgive me.

So, Monday started off pretty well. I'm putting up high hopes for this week!
Judgement day on Thursday. Hope there won't be any weeping needed.
Or Nick would have to double his Starbucks wager on me :D
*fingers crossed*

Flipping through Mathematics bookS made me realise how much I'm lagging behind.
I might just need a miracle. HELP!

Ass Slapping Reality

I've been spending waaay too much time on Facebook today. Zoo World is soooo addictive!

You need to learn how to draw a line. Don't fly back around, and give me the same shit about the past. Leave what we left off and let me go on with my life. Not being in contact with me for months doesn't give you the right to judge what I deserve or don't right now. And don't friggin drag my cousin into this, and use him as an excuse. After years of solid bond, you are yet another person who succeeds in proving to me that the years doesn't matter at all. What truly matters is the heart you set forth in the relationship. Which wasn't there in the first place. I've been so supportive over you all this while, the least you can do now is let me live my life. Or you can just shove those Rossignol skis that you've been bragging about up your friggin arse! Go bury yourself in snow. Play your own games. I'm done.

Time and time again, people just don't fail to disappoint. And no matter how I try to convince myself, by the end of the day, I'm obviously in denial. No doubt, mistakes I made aplenty. But at least I don't hold a grudge like how so many people easily do... Seems like pride and ego can easily overpower everything else that's worth so much more. It's just unfair and it tires the hell outta me, that I always have to be the one to patch things up. It's about time someone else takes up an inch of effort in return. Some people are just ignorant to one's efforts. Doesn't mean you don't hear about, or you don't see it, or you don't even feel it, it's not there. Ironically, doesn't mean what you hear, see or feel is real when one say it isn't. This is mind boggling!

Two strikes! I'm one strike close to changing my entire view on people. Ming is so right about so many things, it scares the hell outta me.

To need is NOT to want. There's a difference. Some people just don't get it!

I wish I live in a naive world
Where eyes are blind to all the pain I see
I wish I live in a mellow world
Where joy is as lucid as it can be
I wish time was more merciful
Obviously there'll be so much I can do
Now I sound just like a fool
To know that all these just can't be true

Like A Jaw Dropper

Seriously, you don't say?!

Some people may just scare the very life outta you with facts you don't even see coming. Well, thanks for that dosage. I see now. I definitely with my very eyes, that I need to scrub so bad. And ears too. Need major scrubbing and cleanup! Just discovered something MAJOR! Oh am I so tempted to blurt here, but I'll be damned! Don't worry, honey, your secret's safe with me, for now *sniggers*! If only I could blast em out right here, it would definitely blast my blog to stardom xD But nope nope. She'll probably weep all the way to Timbaktu and I'll prolly spend the rest of my life being haunted, not hunted. Ah well, who am I kidding. Cross my heart and sew my lips!

You think you know people. Hah. Well they will teach you to think again, and again, and again... Not my first experience where people would shock you. Whether it's a "Oh no you didn't..." or a "OMFG are you serious *laughs*" or even a "omg this is so not happening..." You'll be caught off guard when it happens. And you'll be damned... It's tough not to judge. But it's important to stand clear of that. I learned that the hard way. When you start to judge, and you wanna help make it right... That's a responsibility. No kidding. For people like me, who stumble upon mistakes just because of the fear of hurting anyone. Nah-ah. That ain't gonna work. You wanna judge, you gotta come down hard on someone right to their faces. Guess reality is the only way to go. The care factor gotta get flushed down, or it'll eat you up too. Or should I say, swallow you up WHOLE. Which is why I just adore Simon Cowell, and I'm so friggin glad that American Idol Auditions are back! That englishman just pulls me in, every season. And this time Paula Abdul isn't gonna be around to spoil that with disgusting frenches :D But well, it'll never be the same without that chili padi...

So anyway, day by day passes by, things seem monotonic and same ol' same, yet there's a ring of difference in it... I definitely feel that wind of change *inserts Scorpian whistle tune*. Can't be helped I guess. Just gotta cope with it. Shapes the way you are. And sometimes prove that instincts are truly INstincts, and you should definitely listen to it sometime!


On another note, Glee is here! Whoot! I'm so excited! Shut up, it's not like high school musical, and I might probably blow your asses off if you say so :p Can't get "Don't Stop Believing" by Glee outta my head! Ahhh... *swoon*

Sometimes you just can't change people's perception, even if you've given your heart and soul; and your best interest...

According to you
I'm stupid,
I'm useless,
I can't do anything right.
According to you
I'm difficult,
hard to please,
forever changing my mind.
I'm a mess in a dress,
can't show up on time,
even if it would save my life.
According to you. According to you.

But according to him
I'm beautiful,
incredible,
he can't get me out of his head.
According to him
I'm funny,
irresistible,
everything he ever wanted.
Everything is opposite,
I don't feel like stopping it,
so baby tell me what I got to lose.
He's into me for everything I'm not,
according to you.

[Orianthi - According To You]

Mentally Sedated

It's a baaaaaaaad idea to do Further Maths while you're on antibiotics, cough syrup and sinucidin (blocked-nose medication). Trying to imagine how a lamina rotates about an axis sends me into orbit! I'm now on a planet where rainbows and unicorns are spiraled into candies on sticks. Who needs weed when you have shit like this? Currently taking a break. Anymore figures slapped into my face would definitely make me throw up. I think I have an infection on my uvula. Cause' swallowing makes me feel like barfing. Coughing would just force me to befriend the shiny white porcelain bowl. To sum it all up, my throat is inflamed like planet Mars.

Sleep has been non existent cause' for some odd reason, my body muscles vibrate when I actually try to relax. No, it's not shivering, mind you. I know what I'm talking about. I thought it was my bed, or my phone got trapped at the side, and was somehow vibrating at 1, 2, 3 and 4 in the friggin MORNING! But no. I wasn't feeling cold. Nor was it cold sweat. Heck I have no idea. I desperately hope I won't have to experience that again tonight, or I'll suffer the worst in class tomorrow.

Now my appetite is completely ruined. Sweetie brought me for Jap yesterday, thinkin it would cheer me up, but all I ate was 3 pieces of sushi. I just couldn't swallow. Without having the urge to barf that is... The minute I felt no desire to binge in a Jap restaurant, I knew that something was wrong. Sigh. Everytime I have this sorta digestive problem, it lasts for a month. Blah. I'm gonna look like a walking zombie by the time January ends...

Sigh... I better get back to my work. Typing is making me giddy too. Back to mathematical weed...

So, I didn't know what the Uvula was called, so I Googled "what is that little thing hanging at the back of your throat?" and VIOLA! I've learned a new word xD Sounds kinda cute. Google for dummies! Toodles!

Oh, you don't say...?

This Is Not Our Battle

I've not been a person of faith in the past few years, and I gotta say, it's easier to be ignorant than to be dedicated. To see Christianity in Malaysia being pushed to the edge, aches my heart but I'm also filled with hopelessness and guilt. What has happened to mankind? Aren't we all God's children. We live on the same rock, and just because of a single word, that doesn't even measure up to our faith, lives are being harmed. It amazes me that these people couldn't care less about the image they're setting up for the world to see. The very fact that the government is obscuring us from reality, is sickening to the stomach. Do they really think the citizens are dumb? How much longer are they gonna keep us in the dark?! Families are gonna have to wake up on a Sunday morning, and fear about their own safety while they just wanna dwell in the house of God. Like we've learned in Sejarah, burning sacred buildings is sooo 19th century man. This people gotta wake up and stop acting like effing barbarians! I just ran out of words to say. It's effing ridiculous. One word?! One friggin word?! Yeah people may pride, title, religious mockery and whatever shitnots. If your faith is strong, nothing should ever shake that...

Blah. I'm feeling shitty. First week of the year, and I'm down with a fever. Pushed myself to GSC to catch Paranormal Activity with Nutty, Emmers and Ming. Watching a horror movie is Nutty is ze bomb! She's like fearless...! And she would laugh at anything that would freak most people out. Although I'm a huge fan of horror and gore, I must say, it did spook me out. And I don't think I'll have peaceful nights for the next few days. This little mind is like a never-ending spinning windmill. But my brain needs rest so badly. Go watch it if you have the guts to. Most people who watched it said it did spook them out. It totally messes with your psyche. Except Nutty of course xD Oh well, I survived the first week, and about 30 more weeks to go? "Whoot. All game for it.."

Oh oh... Zombieland sure is entertaining. Seems so much like L4D2, it's humorous! The bf doesn't think so though. Where art thou quirkyness? :p

Zoning out. Let's just all pray for safe times ahead.

It Takes Baby Steps...

It's just the first day, and stress is already starting to pile up. Today didn't go so well. Although I'm so glad to see all the familiar faces. Sweet Ainaa made my day by giving me a pretty Christmas card in a purple envelope. I was like 'Squeak! Purple!'. Anyway, it's great to see friendly and smiley faces around. And of course there are some who would just be a killjoy. Must be the holiday withdrawal syndrome I suppose. I started to feel that too, as class came to an end. College has been awfully quiet. Probably we're the only ones who start right at the beginning of the year. It's depressing!

Well, I found out that results will be out NEXT WEEK. Not so pleasant news... I'm eager to know how I've done. But at the same time, I sense MAYDAY! *gulps*

On another note...

UCAS has finally received my application (after what seems like forever)! So now comes another round of torturous wait for the universities to respond. *fingers crossed!*

Guess it's one tiny step at a time...

The pair of eyes that captures unconditional beauty...

Bring On the Rumble

College reopens tomorrow...
I feel anxiety butterflies fluttering in my stomach! (maybe I'm just hungry :p)
The rollercoaster ride starts tomorrow...
*Reminds self : half a year, half a year, HALF A YEAR!*
It's gonna speed through like a bullet, which means more hard work!
Fingers crossed, and hope for the best!

I even have musical rehearsal later till 6pm. Oh dear God!

Welcome back, horrendous jam and MORONS!

*struts off...*

Bloody Rip Off

Time after time, Maxis just seems to piss me off more and more!

It's like the largest mobile network in Malaysia, yet it's still ripping the loyal customers off! I discovered that Rm20 credit miraculously DISAPPEARED into thin air. I only send text messages and seldom make calls. And text messages cost like what? 1 cent to Maxis users. Although I send about 200 a day, that will only add up to RM2. But 20bucks was deducted in blink?! I smelled something fishy. The only possible reason is from surfing the net using Maxis GPRS, which I did, but it lasted for less than 5mins. So don't tell me that actually cost me RM20?! So I called Maxis, was put on hold several times, AS USUAL! Asked MILLIONS of personal details, just to verify. And eventually said there are no abnormal charges recorded and apparently there's no data on surfing the net. Bloody system is not even up to date! Then my line got cut off !&@(!#(&^@(! Had to call again, and after plenty of numbers to press, was transferred to a different person. I asked to transfer back to the person I spoke to, which was Ayu. Told me that she'll call me back. Hah! That's when the bullshit starts... Waited for 15mins, never called back. So I made another call, went through that annoying numbers shit! I currently despise pre-recorded machine! Had to explain my whole situation, AGAIN. Thankfully this time the lady was more helpful, and wasn't pressing on how there are NO FRIGGIN RECORDS on abnormal charges. So anyway, she said mine was a "valid" case, and obviously that sum of money seems to have been deducted, without any proper record. Here comes the biggest bullshit. My case will be sent to the "Technical Department" and I will be contacted in 3-7 working days (Malaysian translation : PROBABLY NEVER). So I pressed on and asked, 'so they'll contact me if they find something's wrong, and I reckon they won't contact me AT ALL if they don't find anything?"

And she replied... "Um.. Yes ma'am..."

I'm never gonna get my refund. There goes my 20bucks!
Is there a term beyond being BROKE? Because I'm waaaaay beyond that :'(
SOBS!

Put A Shine On Something New

It's a brand new year. A time to do things differently.

Gonna try to revive my dead and crawling blog. This year's gonna be hectic and I hope I'll be able to keep this running. Miss the blogsphere dearly, and I wish time has been more merciful. Last night was different compared to many other years. And I have a great feeling this year's gonna take a wheel of change. Perfect to start a new decade, I suppose. Lots of memories came flooding in as I was having a drink with my other half, including a really weird childhood memory as I sipped ice-blended lychee which tasted so much like Ice-Mony (can't remember how it's spelled, but it's a type of ice cream that was a hit when I was in primary school). Plenty of odd and somehow calm emotions to usher in the new year. Things have definitely changed. Hopefully it's for the best.

Well, a short post will do for now as a start. Last year has been a blast, and may this year be a bigger one!

All things said and done. Let the bygones be of no obstruction but a reminder.