Natasha Bedingfield - Strip Me

La la la la la la
Everyday I fight for
All my future somethings
A thousand little wars
I have to choose between
I could spend a lifetime
Earning things that I don't need
But that's like chasing rainbows
And coming home empty
And if you strip me,
Strip it all away
If you strip me,
What would you find
If you strip me,
Strip it all away
Ill be alright

Take what you want
Steal my pride
Build me up
Or cut me down to size
Shut me out
But I'll just scream
Im only one voice in a million
but you aint taking that from me
Oh oh no you aint taking that from me x 4

I dont need a microphone, yeah,
To say what I been thinking
My heart is like a loudspeaker
Thats always on eleven
And if you strip me,
Strip it all away
If you strip me,
What would you find

[ From: http://www.metrolyrics.com/strip-me-lyrics-natasha-bedingfield.html ]

If you strip me,
Strip it all away
I'm still the same

Take what you want
Steal my pride
Build me up
Or cut me down to size
Shut me out
But I'll just scream
Im only one voice in a million
but you aint taking that from me
Oh oh no you aint taking that from me x 4

'cuz when it all boils down
At the end of the day
It's what you do and say
That makes you who you are
Makes you think about it,
Think about it
Doesn't it
Sometimes all it takes is one voice

Take what you want
Steal my pride
Build me up
Or cut me down to size
Shut me out
But I'll just scream
Im only one voice in a million
but you aint taking that from me
Oh oh no you aint taking that from me x 4

Yearning For Sun-baked Cheeks

I hate this.
I truly truly do.
I never believed in it in the first place.
As much as I wished that I would stand corrected.
I didn't.
If anything changed, my belief was strengthened.
LDR is bullshit.
It kills me that I have lost the faith.
I'm sorry.
You said to create our own world.
And to fuck the distance.
Well, babe, fucking it feels so darn bare.

It got me thinking, how much of ourselves do we have to give up in a relationship?
To give up our views, expectations or plain beliefs?
What if two souls are completely different?
True. The opposite attracts. But attraction may merely be temporary.
Do we step out of our comfort zone, just for the sake of it?
Is it really a sacrifice? Well, it sounds masochistic to me.
What if pieces of ourselves get chipped away.
And by the end of all of it, we're just empty souls.
Forgetting how we really were in the first place.
I'm not saying that it's all forced or coerced.
It's free will definitely. Full heartedly.
Which is why I think love is just sick.

I guess as kids we have a list of expectations of how love will be like.
And we glued that ridiculous list at the back of our minds.
That list would definitely haunt us for many years to come.
Like it's haunting mine...
I'm wondering, how long more am I gonna hang on to that fucking list,
till it ruins everything, right under my nose.

What is love anyway?
I don't know. I really don't.
This is only my second serious relationship.
Okay... Not that (serious) made it any different.
And I still feel like a lost sheep in an odd town.
Both taught me different things.
None of which defined what love really is.
You said you love me.
But do you really know what it meant?
I don't.
Which is why those three words halt,
as they travel from my heart to my lips.

This rollercoaster ride is driving me crazy.
Thrilling one minute, life threatening the next.
I find myself holding my breath at each leap.
How much more of that can I do before my brain blows out?
Or before my sanity leaves me... For good.
Maybe I'm too cynical for my own good.
And it's starting to eat me up whole.
The countless doubts ringing in my head.
The guilt of having to hide it from you.
Yet the wound inches deeper & deeper.
Self inflicted wounds of a masochistic soul.

Words don't come easy when necessary.
Not for me at least.
I wish I could explain to you how I really feel.
But everytime you ask me, "What is it that you're thinking/feeling?"
ounces of blood seem to have flood right out of my body,
the numbness in my mind, drawing blank spots...
I really don't know what to say.

I wish I could be as square as you.
Those four easy sides and corners.
Looking the same at every angle.
Those perfect dimensions.
Stable as ever.
I'm just a distorted blotch.
Always twisty & uncertain.
Shifting & turning. Not knowing what space to take up.
Not knowing what to look like.
Not knowing. Plainly, doubtful & unsure.
Liquid.
Sipping through the cracks & disappearing drop by drop.

You deserve better.
You deserve certainty.
You deserve an answer.
An answer I can't fully complete myself.
These countless holes take years to patch.
I don't think I can make it.
I'm being unfair to you. Unjust. Unworthy.
You said there's no such thing as "fair" or "unfair" in a relationship.
You just do what you feel. If it's right it's right, vice versa.
What if I can't feel? Or I just don't know what I'm feeling?
Hah. Is it really possible? To feel so clueless?
To feel empty?
To feel like a two-wheeler on a rope,
hanging in midair 1,000 feet from the ground?

This has been pretty mundane.
I'm constantly struggling to break out of it.
I need so much more to distract me from my own destructive thoughts.
Jogs don't work. Music stopped working as effective as it did.
Smoking became bare & meaningless, the calming effect disappeared.
Alcohol lost its spark, even with, felt temporary.
Standing in a club scene makes me feel isolated as the world spun into intoxication.
Writing songs feels like scribbling anger & frustrations.
Going out each day, expanding social circle became unnecessary.
Baking was a charm, now it became an obligation to finish up the materials.
I need to indulge in extreme sports now.
Something to make me feel like I'm living on the edge.
Like I'm unbeatable & nothing can possibly stand in my way.
Like I have the world in my hand & there's nothing to fret about.

You can say that I'm just plain bored.
I'm prolly going through that "teenage stage" that every parent fears.
The final problem before hitting the big TWO OH, perhaps?
The need to do something extraordinary.
Like a self-discovery trip across the globe!
To venture foreign grounds.
To break out of routine & conformity.
Maybe I need just that.
Hah! The antidote for feeling miserable.
Like how Elizabeth Gilbert traveled to find her true soul.
The true meaning to LIVING.
No doubt I'm just too young to know for sure.
Let's just say, I'm tired of waiting.
I need it now.
Right this instance.
Before it all falls apart...

This is my most personal post to date.
Revealing more than what I really intended to.
But erasing/editing it, or even not posting it,
would defeat the main reason why I started typing anyway.
At least now I have my thoughts spread out.
A slight burden lifted off my shoulders.
For now.

I really wish you wouldn't read this.
But deep down I know you would somehow.
For the better I hope.
That whatever I failed to answer you, is right here...

Who's Hot & Cold?

You make me confused.
You make me question myself.
Tough questions.
The ones that may be left unanswered,
but so necessary in so many ways.

I'm thankful for our two & a half hours conversation last night.
It made me realise things that I've taken for granted.
As much as I feel guilty,
I guess it's best I make up for it than to dwell in guilt.
Which is why I made that promise.
Though it was a hard pinch when you said you doubt I could keep it.
I will try nevertheless.
Because I know it means THAT much to you.
It may be quite a sacrifice, but please make it worth while.
Or my search will be in vain,
and I'll never know for sure if you're the ONE.

I love that floaty feeling I felt last night.
It was like a green light of confirmation that I'm not in a rut.
But I do hope that this ain't temporary...
I may be out of words & lack of vital expressions.
But I wish with all my might that you'll know.
Somehow, one way or another.

Fingers crossed that we're in this for the win.
Because I am trying to convince myself that this is it.
At least you did convince me last night.
And I'm glad, over the moon, about it! :)

The perfect words never crossed my mind,
Cuz there was nothin' in there but you.
I felt every ounce of me screaming out,
But the sound was trapped deep in me.
All I wanted just sped right past me,
While I was rooted fast to the earth,
I could be stuck here for a thousand years,
Without your arms to drag me out.

There you are standing right in front of me
There you are standing right in front of me
All this fear falls away to leave me naked,
Hold me close, cuz I need you to guide me to safety.

No, I don't want to wait forever...

Read Em & Weep

Am really losing the constant urge to blog.
It's like, everytime I'm here, I feel the obligation to keep this running.

Been going on a book shopping spree for the past few months.
Haven't been able to read the ones I bought,
yet I'm still adding on to the tiresome list.
Bought Eat, Pray, Love recently... LIKE FINALLY!
Cause I was searching high & low for the original cover.
Thanks to Jean love, who helped me ask the counter.
I realised... I have issues with asking for help.
Like how I would protest when the boyfriend decides to ask the concierge for directions.
No wonder I'm always lost in Pyramid, never bothered to ask xD

Anyways...
So here's the list of books that have been collecting dust (& turning yellow) on my shelf.
1. Thousand Splendid Suns by Khaled Hosseini
2. No Country For Old Men by Cormac McCarthy
3. Elizabeth : The Golden Age by Tasha Alexander
4. Schindler's List by Thomas Keneally
5. The Time Traveller's Wife by Audrey Niffenegger
6. Sundays at Tiffany's by James Patterson and co-author Gabrielle Charbonnet
7. Gone Baby Gone by Dennis Lehane
8. The Unquiet by John Connolly
9. The Broker by John Grisham
10. Kite Runner by Khaled Hosseini (NaaNaa's, I finally found it!)
11. Handle With Care by Jodi Picoult
12. My Sister's Keeper by Jodi Picoult
13. The Pact by Jodi Picoult
14. Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert (my new addition :D)

Currently in reading : Marley & Me by John Grogan (FINALLY -.-)
The pages have turned brown :(

That's it I suppose. Not including the books I'm planning to borrow from Nutty xD
The whole Narnia collection & the entire series of Eragon!
I'm actually feeling really tempted to read the entire Twilight series as well.
Yes, I know. But I really wanna what's the big hoohaa all about :D

I have another list! Books I wanna own soooo badly!
1. Angels & Demons by Dan Brown (read)
2. The Da Vinci's Code by Dan Brown (read)
3. The Lost Symbol by Dan Brown
4. Eragon by Christopher Paolini
5. Eldest by Christopher Paolini
6. Brisingr by Christophre Paolini
7. The Lovely Bones by Alice Sebold
8. The Death & Life of Charlie St. Cloud by Ben Sherwood
9. The Last Song by Nicholas Sparks
10. The Notebook by Nicholas Sparks (read)
11. Nights In Rodanthe by Nicholas Sparks
12. Dear John by Nicholas Sparks
13. Safe Heaven by Nicholas Sparks
(okay I want his WHOLE collection)
14. Keeping Faith by Jodi Picoult
15. Salem Falls by Jodi Picoult
16. Nineteen Minutes by Jodi Picoult
17. Vanishing Acts by Jodi Picoult
(and HER WHOLE collection, in addition to the 4 I own)
18. Wicked : The Life and Times of the Wicked Witch of the West by Gregory Maguire
19. The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo by Stieg Larsson
20. The Glass Castle : A Memoir by Jeanette Walls
21. The ENTIRE Narnia Series (idk how many xD)
22. The Atonement by Ian McEwan
23. Amsterdam by Ian McEwan
23. Revolutionary Road by Richard Yates
24. The Reader by Bernhard Schlink
25. The Five People You Meet In Heaven by Mitch Albom
26. Tuesdays With Morrie by Mitch Albom
27. The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald
28. Catcher In the Rye by J.D Salinger
29. The Silence of the Lambs by Thomas Harris
30. Watership Down by Richard Adams
31. Great Expectations by Charles Dickens
32. The Collector by John Fowles

The list goes on. I can't think of any more right now,
but I'm pretty sure I have plenty more to list down xD
The last 10 books are really really old!
So I'm really hoping MPH would have another warehouse sale.
Then, I'll be able to stock up :D
Imagine, a book can cost up to RM35.
I have say, about 35 in mind.
That would be *calculating....* a total of RM1225!
It's crazy! How on Earth is this encouraging young people to read?!

Yeah I know, receipts can be used for tax deductions.
But really, it would take YEARS for me to complete my collection.
Plus, everytime a movie adaptation comes out,
I'LL WANT THE BOOK!
This year's the WORST!
FOUR came out, and I'm sure you can see which were they *sigh*
To top it all up, I HATE HATE HATE movie poster covers...!

For example...

Gag gag PUKE PUKE PUKE -.-
So not buying the book with him on the cover.

DOUBLE TRIPLE QUADRAPLE CROSS-OUT!

Although this is indeed a juicy cover, I'm still gonna have to pass.

No movie poster covers please!
BRING BACK THE ORIGINALS! :(

So, yes.
I'm still searching.
Any clue, please holler & help me out.
DANKE!

*scurries off & burries self in books*

Monetary Hijack

It's been a tough week.
I just launched my new blogshop, Neon Runway.
The sales were great for the first five days.
Even had customers from Sabah & Sarawak.
I gotta admit, I was overwhelmed.
But now it's like a sudden HALT.
Been two days now, NO MAIL.
So I'm hoping it wouldn't just DIE there.
I'm aware that the clothes collection are...
well, plain Jane, after some sugarcoating.
It was a risk to buy anything retro/vintage.
And the place we were at didn't give us many options.
So we opted for something, well, buy-able.
But I guess people are more adventurous now.
They wouldn't settle for anything ordinary.
Seems like there's no choice but to purchase new stocks.
I don't even think we'll have the time to wait for total costs to be covered.
We will lose traffic by then.
This really wasn't as easy as I thought it would be.
Did countless advertising by contacting all the fashion reviewers.
Added random people on Facebook, with a new account.

Neon Runway, with pictures of clothes & descriptions...

BUT STILL...

Some bimbos walled & asked "LOL Who r u...?"
Need I explain why that's funny but utterly ridiculous? -.-
So yeah, I had to be a little more thick-skin than usual xD
Hey, whatever it takes right?
*fingers crossed* that this is only a starter's hurdle.
And not something that I would have to GIVE UP eventually.
I really need to make some ka-ching$ babeh!
There's so much I wanna do, but yet MONEY controls it all!

Anyhoo...
Thankfully there's a whole lot of junk about Business in my course.
At least I have a slight foundation to help me through.
Speaking of which, exams are approaching,
& I've yet to feel a tinge of quiver.
Which is a sign that Procrasination never left :s
Gotta start kicking my own ass,
cause in UNI, no one fucking cares if you done badly.
Just repeat the year, and they'll be showered with lovely amounts of cash!
Oh yes, Money controls it all...

Enough of ka-ching nonsense...
I just remembered I promised pictures of my amateur-ish cooking tryouts.

Looks dull eh? I couldn't find yellow squash to give it a livelier colour...

So I splashed it with heaps of bell peppers instead :D

And TADAAAA! The Disney version of Ratatouille is VERY deceiving! Or I just suck at this xD (most prolly eh?)

Chicken Casserole! :D This was cheeeesy! Me loike!! :D

This post was dated 03/11/2010.
Thought I published, but it ended up in drafts.
Ah well :s

Play, Fast-Foward, Rewind

Still finding it difficult to fit in class.

Still can't communicate with the girls.

Can't seem to laugh along with their jokes either.

We're like vibrating in different wavelengths.

I don't get what they are talking about,

and they don't get what I'm talking about.

There's this ONE girl who was really nice to me.

We hit it off pretty alright, but our conversation would end,

one way or another due to language barrier.

This sucks. Wish I knew Chinese better.

Plus, the people I think I can actually really talk to are some of the guys -.-

as in, without a language barrier...

But they're ALWAYS in a pack...

And there seems to be a river dividing guys & girls in class...

Almost EVERY single class.

Just like back in Pre-School. It's sad! :(

Lately I just gave up & stopped trying.

Cause maybe I was trying to hard.

So, I might have come off too strong.

In an annoying way perhaps :s

So I've been pretty quite, setting a goal to finish that 2.5yrs.

Hopefully, without any kind of DRAMA :/

I'm waiting, desperately, for the Student Council registration to open.

My uni social life is EXTREMELY deprived!

But thank God for lovely friends outside of the Uni circle! <3

Recently I discovered something really cool,

but I don't have a webcam to try it out...

It's called ChatRoulette!

You get to meet & video chat with strangers around the globe.

But there's a catch...

You would (almost) definitely bump into wankers/perverts/flashers/etc...

But of course, there's a "NEXT" button for you to terminate the convo.

If you can overlook all that mental torture...

It can be pretty cool. Some people are just hilarious!
Oh oh! Even Ben Folds is on occasionally.

AWESOME :D

Dying to try it out, gotta get my laptop first.

Stupid Dell Refurbish Promo is sooooo difficult to get through... PFFT!

Anyhoo... COOKING PLANS on Saturday!

MommyDearest will be away for her Awards Ceremony thingy.

So I'll be in charge of feeding PapaBear & the two little retarded cubs >:p

Chicken Casserole & Ratatouille!

Yes, the one from that Pixar movie about ze RAAATTT!

Gonna try making that, but it's a vegetarian dish.

Will prolly do a slight spin on it and add BACON! :D

Whoooots! Shall post pictures soon (:

TOOOODLESS! :B

Love, if you're (still) reading my blog.

This is for you...

Reliant Escape

Things have not been going too well...

Though I try my best to keep afloat.

Just right above the surface so I could breathe.

Been escaping in a fog.

A fog that would harm me, sooner or later.

Usually people claim that they CAN'T stop.

Not sure if that's an excuse...

But I know I can, I just DON'T WANT to.

I had the weirdest dream last night.

There was a huge crowd of familiar faces.

Friends. Close & acquaintances.

We were all gathered, to be judged.

Our names were called upon, and we had to stand in lines.

One by one, my fellow friends walked towards their assigned lines.

Finally my name was called, and I didn't budge.

I vividly remembered what I said...

"I confess, and I admit my mistakes. But I do not regret it. It was not beyond my control. I chose to commit it. Thus, I am not a hypocrite..."

All eyes set upon me with heat of judgement.

Then it blurred....

I woke up and felt cold sweat down my spine.

Fear. I believe...

Still unsure about what that dream TRULY meant.

But I suppose I'm escaping judgement.

Escaping the truth... and escaping myself.

This is not my first mind boggling dream.

Been having sleepless nights.

So the rest of the day feels like a limbo.

I need some time off this world.

I really wanna fly off somewhere remote.

Somewhere different.

Somewhere calm.

Somewhere to escape all this.

I wish I could just hop on a private jet,

and set forth to Bermuda islands,

or even hibernate at the Himalayas.

In hopes to blend in there,

and never come back.

If life could be that simple.

I hate feeling complicated.

And so messed up...

untangle me...

It Ain't Crazy After All...

"People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life.

A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave.

A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master..."

— Elizabeth Gilbert (Eat, Pray, Love)

I have found my ultimate saviour.

Something I could read to soothe my aching soul.

Liz Gilbert did what I wanted to do so badly...

Travel around the world for soul searching!

Now I realised, it's not a crazy thought...

That is now my ultimate goal :)

First off... Set out to buy "Eat, Pray, Love"!

"Happiness is the consequence of personal effort. You fight for it, strive for it, insist upon it, and sometimes even travel around the world looking for it. You have to participate relentlessly in the manifestations of your own blessings. And once you have achieved a state of happiness, you must never become lax about maintaining it. You must make a mighty effort to keep swimming upward into that happiness forever, to stay afloat on top of it."

— Elizabeth Gilbert (Eat, Pray, Love)

Old Wounds Resurface

He's back.

And I'm freaking out.

I thought you'll be gone, for good.

Or even if you're back,

thought you would be smart enough to keep it low...

For both our sakes.

Unsure & rather reluctant to meet you.

Because I know it'll head down that road once again...

And why did you have to come back now?

Of all times, when I'm most vulnerable.

Feels like life's shitting on me, like seriously!

I wish I could pack you in a box,

and ship you back to the mountains of Switzerland.

And pray real hard, you'll never come back.

I wanna disappear from your sight.

But that would make me a coward,

and that would just prove that I'm not over you.

Maybe I am not.

But what matters most, is I WANT to be over you.

And I'll strive my hardest to achieve that...

Because I am happy now.

I found my better half...

And I'm not willing to fall to pieces again.

Not now, and NOT for you.

Maybe I'm thinking too much...

Maybe he's not back for that reason...

And maybe he just wants peace...

But as I hear the whisper of his name,

my wound throbs with discomfort.

And I'm spun back in time.

Back when times were dark and twisted.

Times when I've done things I'm not proud of.

And the worst part is, it was all for him.

I'm freaking out, and I wanna escape.

How do you erase a memory that has been haunting you for years?

One that you've tried so hard to hide beneath the covers?

It resurfaces in a blink of an eye.

I'm in such good progress, and you have to ruin it...

I shouldn't meet you.

I really shouldn't.

But somehow I know, that's inevitable.

As you always have been....

INEVITABLE.

TY, I really need you now...
But how do I tell you,
I'm haunted by the past,
that I said I've forgotten...?
& you're so far away...

Feeling Alien

A new beginning. Well... Sort of. Same place, same environment, almost similar routine... But it feels so foreign. Going back to Sunway is making me very VERY "homesick". I miss the familiar faces I've spent time with from 8.30am to 4.30pm every single day. And for the final 2 months, we spent time till 9.30pm. I miss all that. I miss everyone from A Levels! Occasionally I see others in their image. I would label them in my head, as look-a-likes. I keep thinking I've bumped into them, then realised it's not them!

Most of all, I keep seeing guys who look like the BF. On Tuesday I saw someone who carries his sling bag the exact way the BF those. Slightly tilted to the side. And it was an almost similar leather bag. Today, I saw someone with his hairstyle coming out from the elevator, with similar glasses! I jolted. Bet the guy thought I was checking him out xD And I heard someone speaking in the hallway, just like the way he would. But it wasn't him. God, I miss him so much. It has only been four days! I can't imagine how I can ever go through with the next 5 months! Is it ever gonna get ANY easier? I really do hope so...!

He manged to get a SIM card there... Been calling me every night since. Would only cost about RM6 per hour. Well, he thinks it's pretty cheap. So I have no complaints... Actually, I do... We're 2 and a half hours ahead of India. And he can only call at night. Which means I'll be more sleep deprived by the end of these 2 years! Kinda xD And, the idle time between is kinda annoying. It takes about a second or two for the wave to transmit. So sometimes our speech clashes. Or I'll have to wait a while for his respond to my cynical remarks. He takes long enough already without that problem :p But I guess I should be thankful that he doesn't mind spending the money to chat with me. However... I've been feeling groggy all day because I slept late. And my dog had to dig me up at 7 for an early walk! PFFFTT...! He has yet to sign up for an internet connection -.- which is killing me! Coz it would be so much easier to chat on Skype, with the webcam. But noooo... He's taking his SWEET time with it :x

Note : Day 4 of LDR and Stephay is already ranting her head off!

Prediction : Therapy needed by the end of September...

Putting that aside... I started uni on Tuesday. I have an extremely quiet class! Like, pin drop silence :/ It got better today... Spoke to some of them. But I'm tired of initiating an introduction... No one bothered to introduce themselves to me. And I'm starting to come off as obnoxious (I think...) because I'm talking too much? IDK. It's just aggravating! Mom says, "Give it some time... They're still adjusting to the new environment; observing around. Whereas you are already familiar with all that..." I really hope she's right. If this lasts for 2 years and a half, I might actually forget how to socialize! Okay, I might have exaggerated on that :p I think the A Levels people have left behind a high expectation. I guess deep down inside, I was hoping to find similar people to patch up the missing people. But I've come to realise, it'll never be possible. No one can ever replace them. They were all such unique individuals. I wish A Levels could have been prolonged. The people made studying so much easier. Now that it has ended, a hole was left behind.

Nevertheless, I'm gonna treasure the good memories! There were countless good & bad times. All worth reminiscing everyday :) I've gotta make the best outta what I have now. Hopefully my classmates will open up more, soon. Cause I'm starting to feel rather lonely in class. The student council and society fair hasn't opened up yet. Probably next year... Which is waaaay too long! I need to keep myself socially busy, or my uni life would be DULL! And it'll be pathetic to have a better college life than uni life lol.

Reminder : PATIENCE IS A VIRTUE! PATIENCE IS A VIRTUE! PATIENCE IS A FUCKING VIRTUE!

toodles :D